Progress, yes, but fear still an issue

[blake]

Hi all,

I've just gotten myself out of a one-week stretch of pretty bad pain and learned a lot about myself along the way.
From what I see now, it started because I worked myself up about the next steps I should take in my life. You see, for the past year, I've been "taking out the trash" so to speak, and getting rid of all things that are detrimental to my mental health (yeah for me!!!). Takes lots of courage, but it's so worth it!

So after over a decade of people pleasing and of being someone I'm not, I'm finally starting to experience more freedom and more space. It's great, but... all that space can be pretty scary and sometimes, when I get scared, I panick and I work myself up into a frenzy about what I need to do. That's what triggered this latest relapse. Next time I will remind myself that there is no hurry and I'll try to let go and let things flow.

The second thing I noticed about myself is that the fear still has a hold on me. From what I can see, I have not yet managed to convince myself that I am worthy of healing. At a very deep level, I still feel I don't deserve it, hence the fear that the pain will never go away. Up until very recently, I felt ashamed about still being afraid of my pain - "that's TMS 101, why can't I get it" is what I was saying to myself. But there's really no reason to be ashamed. My writing this message is a way to show myself that shame is not necessary. I mean, TMS is all about fear, so it's only normal that these things take time, right?

This most relapse has been most eye opening, but I'd love some feedback from you guys as well.

Warm regards,
Blake

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Blake. You ought to congratulate yourself, not put yourself down.
You're making a significant adjustment to your people pleasing nature.
And you're throwing out the trash of things that make you unhappy and hurt.

Think positive about yourself. I bet if you gave it some thought and made a list,
you'd find many reasons to like yourself and not think you are unworthy of healing.
You may be demanding too much of yourself.

I wouldn't feel ashamed of myself for having TMS pain or being afraid of it. Just accept it and consider it is
helping you to discover who you really are. Self-discovery is what TMS is all about.
We learn our strengths and weaknesses and how to put to rest emotions that gave us pain.

You're well on your way to being happier and healthier than you ever imagined.
Enjoy each day. Find pleasant things to do and think about. Live in mental sunshine.

 

[blake]

That's a very nice message Walt. It made me feel good. For me the tms journey always brings me back to the same place: my struggle with the inner critic. So you're absolutely right to say that it's about self-discovery. And I've made so much progress so far that I've got to be on the right track!

Thanks for your support!

Blake