Pressure

[Jettie1989]

hey all,
if someone feels like giving a peptalk, I'm open to it

Yesterday I tried pushing through but well, it backfired. Today I'm sleeping and laying in bed with 2 extra symptoms. I don't take them seriously because it's obviously my brain pushing back but it's like, damn. ok. feeling a bit down.

I was also wondering about something I run in to more often.
I think one of the reasons why I'm having symptoms is I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do stuff, and accomplish stuff I want.
There's absolutely nobody doing this but myself. For example, I got very excited about learning Italian, and as a result I really really want to learn Italian every day. For about an hour.
If I don't manage that I'll be disappointed. I have searched more, also with a therapist, but the only reason I can find is that I'm just very excited about learning stuff.

With this TMS work I really relate to the Talk to your brain/body techniques, and 'don't take symptoms seriously' side, and I've gotten really far with these techniques. If I feel a symptom I try to not let it stop me, and just do it anyway. This of course takes a lot of willpower, and it's quite hard to keep myself positive at times.

What I run into is that this mindset can also feel like a lot of pressure.
This morning - when I woke up feeling run over by a bus - I could just feel myself being relieved about having so many symptoms that I wasn't able to push through and ignore my symptoms. I couldn't do my usual running, I couldn't do my usual programming, language learning, so I didn't have to. I could just feel the pressure I'm putting on myself, and me being relieved about being able to let it go.

What do I do when the technique that works well is actually adding to the pressure, and is working against me at being less harsh for myself?

It got a little clearer to me this morning that this pressure I put on myself is indeed a big reason for my TMS, and that feeling like I CAN push through is adding to that pressure by feeling like I HAVE to push through.

Do any of you have any wise words about this? I'm curious if you have some insights because sometimes when it's about yourself you can't see that clear.

(also I wanted to not make this post long, but here we are, thanks for reading, you are truly a trouper)

 

[Cactusflower]

Anticipation, excitement, enthusiasm all trigger the nervous system in the same way anxiety does. Don’t sweat that, just keep it tucked in the back and recognize it when you feel the sensations of dysregulation. My sense is that this happiness, joy etc may als trigger sensations that tip your nervous system a bit, perhaps not used to it, or perhaps it’s subconsciously related to other emotions. Again, just see how they play out now you know.
I have had these same reactions, and my own joy and happiness is very much related to others around me having negative feelings, anxiety, jealousy etc so something as lovely as joy and exuberance gets complicated.
As for being ritualistic, hard on yourself, etc you need to fight against the ritualialism and ridged thinking. Self-talk and reasoning works for me. Basically saying NO to it. That might mean you force yourself to stop at 38 minutes or 52.1 minutes (not a preset time) and tell yourself you are fine. There will be no negative outcome and reinforce positive like what you learned, that you are doing great, you can handle uncertainty, you are fine.
In this instance it’s not really being hard on yourself, it’s really once again your brain using distraction to keep you from some emotional thought pattern.
Journal about how you might emotionally feel if you break these habits of rigidity, journal about what they do for you, how they don’t serve you. What happens if you don’t learn Italian fast, perfectly, rigidly?
Then try some sort of practice to soften these edges: meditation, breathing excercises, qui gong…
It’s about accepting that doing less or nothing is just as valuable as doing, rushing and accomplishing. You are valued just because you are exquisitely you.

 

[Diana-M]

Oh, man Jettie! You just thoroughly described me! Oh how I feel your misery.

Try making a mental or written list of everything you expect yourself to do now (or in the future). Ask yourself if you were to impose these requirements on someone else, how would they feel? Would they want to rebel? Would they hate you? Just ponder that one.

I pondered it myself and began lowering all my goals. I dropped a lot of things completely. I started seeing that I breathlessly rush around half-crazed with my goals and requirements. No wonder I’m flooded with inner rage. It’s Unsustainable. So yes, like you, my body shut me down. WAY down.

It has been an eye opener. For me, I realized a lot of my driven behavior is because I lack true self-worth. I’m always looking to make myself valuable through my achievements.

As we know, not only is this sad. But it’s a false sense of self esteem.

I can now see it’s a gift how my TMS has halted all my craziness and made me consider that maybe—just maybe—I’m valuable for no reason other than I’m me.

Shutting down this big intense engine of mine has been no small feat. I’ve made some headway. But not all yet. Each loosening of this massive pressure has brought relief—but first a sense of disorientation and loss. It’s like I don’t know how to be alive without this pressure!

I could just feel myself being relieved about having so many symptoms that I wasn't able to push through

Really think about that! Interesting!

The problem is, prople like us can always push through. I used to say years ago that I don’t have “the ouch factor.” I can do something until it actually kills me. This is a very dangerous way to live. It’s like you don’t have normal limits. That’s why our bodies have to shut us down.

I believe when we finally learn to be reasonable—our bodies will stop talking.

Don’t be sad or depressed. We can learn this! All of it! How to live a peaceful reasonable life. How to love ourselves. How to heal.

Be of good cheer. You’re on the road to getting better. Just pamper yourself a little today.

And btw, that’s cool you’re learning Italian.

 

[Baseball65]

This of course takes a lot of willpower, and it's quite hard to keep myself positive at times.

Every single person here has felt like this at times. Us who have been doing this a minute get extra-frustrated because we think "I know this already...Leave me alone...why are you still here!!!"

Our personalities might seem different externally, but most of us prolly wish we had 26 or 7 hours in a day...I am always trying to squeeze time out of situations, where it's just not there..
"I got to work out, do my writing and reading, go and kick ass at work, get home and play with Sophie and make her dinner and Play guitar and read the news and check in with my sons and Pay my bills and go to a meeting and remember to pray and Learn Hebrew and Aramaic and take that class and start a new exercise and and and and and ....." etc. and if I don't do it, it is MANDATORY the next day etc...

and this is WHY we get TMS. Eckhart Tolle comes to mind at points like this. Become the Watcher...watch your thoughts. They are all filled with judgement. They are running around until All I am is a bunch of whirling thought and forgetting to BE.
And as Sarno said, "You might as well be mad about your hair color or how tall you are"

You are who you are and the same part of you that has TMS thinks that way. You don't have to change it...I don't think you could. Just Gnothi Seauton

 

[Jettie1989]

thanks everyone, I really appreciate you taking te time for me

@Cactusflower ,
I really recognise the happy emotions triggering something, as I used to be so excited about something I completely burned-out on it.
Last two years this has been a major part of the journey, and I'm doing a good job of not hyping things.

About your questions of "what would happen if", It really made me reconsidered what happens when I push myself less. I usually do this one or two days, and then I'm so disappointed in myself, and the things i've done that I think "this can't be right, I'm slacking".
after which I start running and accomplishing again.
It really made me determined to reconsider these feelings, and to start reframing this experience.
(as a first exercise I skipped my daily run omgomgomg)

 

[Jettie1989]

@Diana, You are totally right, I've written down some of my expectations and If I would, say, reign over a bunch of minions holding them to the same standards, I would absolutely be murdered in my sleep.

It’s like I don’t know how to be alive without this pressure!

Oh man, I really felt this one. Without it I'm completely lost, but I really thought about it yesterday, and I want this to change.

Don’t be sad or depressed. We can learn this! All of it! How to live a peaceful reasonable life. How to love ourselves. How to heal.

But really, the 'peaceful reasonable life' really made sense. maybe I shouldn't think about 'is it rational', but more about 'is it reasonable'. I really don't want to do this because it doesn't feel as exiting. But I'll try.

Be of good cheer. You’re on the road to getting better. Just pamper yourself a little today.
And btw, that’s cool you’re learning Italian.

thanks Diana, that really helped. Also, sì è molto gratificante

 

[Jettie1989]

Every single person here has felt like this at times. Us who have been doing this a minute get extra-frustrated because we think "I know this already...Leave me alone...why are you still here!!!"

yeeeeeesss, it can be super frustrating. I can really fall into the trap of thinking this symptom isn't real, so it isn't there, and forgetting that It actually dOes hurt, and I Am dealing with it and this takes energy.
your description really is me, actually XD I'm glad to hear we're with more than I thought

 

[BloodMoon]

Hi @Jettie1989,

I think something to look at is whether or not the activities that you're choosing to do that you are cramming into your day are actually things that you enjoy. For example, you go running, but do you like running or is it something that you feel you 'ought' to do? At heart would you really prefer/love to be dancing or taking some other form of exercise instead? Dr Viner talks about this in his book 'The Mind Body Syndrome (TMS): A path to recovery and freedom'. One's brain is liable to baulk at stuff that we don't really want to do and cause symptoms. (In saying this, of course, there are, I appreciate, things that we have to do that we don't really want to do, but we don't need to add to those things with stuff that we do have a choice about.)

Someone in another thread was advising about 'everything in moderation' and even 'moderation in moderation' (which made me smile!) is the way to go, and personally I have found that key to my own recovery journey. And actually, taking tiny 'baby steps' in doing things has been important to my recover too; I think that's because it's been far less likely to scare my brain and it cultivates neuroplastic changes to re-route around the existing less than helpful pathways. (I'm not fully TMS symptom free, but I used to be bedridden for months on end and I'm far from that now.) It's true that some people manage to lose their TMS symptoms by going 'hell for leather' at physical exercise and full pelt at 'getting on with life', but others, like me, don't. When I went the 'hell for leather' route my brain made me bedridden for 7 months and it was hard for me to crawl ('baby step') my way out of the abyss.

Ti auguro ogni bene!

 

[feduccini]

It really made me reconsidered what happens when I push myself less.

Hi Jettie, I'll leave here a timestamped interview with pain researcher Lorimer Mosely, where he talks about the sweet spot to exercise yourself, and how it fluctuates based on your percepetion of safety and danger.
It's not a problem exclusive to our TMSers btw. It explains why people sometimes go to gym, hurt themselves, and then rationalize as having pushed too far, what might not always be the true reason for the pain or spasm.

EDIT: sorry, the video is not timestamping, so it starts at 34:41

Also, there's one thing that doesn't require that much willpower and I always try to seek when I'm feeling overwhelmed: self-compassion.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

@Baseball65 mentioned judgement, which my therapist says is the companion of pressure.

Which comes first is debatable, because judgement can certainly lead us to put pressure on ourselves, but the pressure almost always leads to more (self) judgement, and judgement leads to emotional repression, which of course results in symptoms.

Breaking the cycle takes practice, because our brains just don't want to let go, but it really only requires a moment of awareness and mindfulness, some deep breaths, and this:

there's one thing that doesn't require that much willpower and I always try to seek when I'm feeling overwhelmed: self-compassion.

I'm still working on it!