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Day 6 posting about lingering doubts

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by blackdog, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. blackdog

    blackdog Peer Supporter

    As instructed in the day 6 instructions, I am addressing remaining doubts about my TMS diagnosis in this post. Actually, I am having quite a bit of difficulty at present. I have realized recently that part of my mind can not accept this, because I have been living under a shroud of pain for so long that I have become conditioned to feel/believe that it is just a part of my life. In addition, I have learned helplessness responses dating back to my upbringing - that is part of how I have coped, even though it is unhealthy. And currently, I am mired in a vortex of anxiety and depression unlike anything I remember experiencing since my adolescence (the anxiety may be even worse or perhaps just less covered up). I had felt like I was developing a conscious belief in TMS, but that there was still a lot left to do to get my unconscious mind caught up. Recently, though, I have developed new pain symptoms in response to some exercises that I was doing. They are in the area where I have had a lot of pain through my life and harbor structural doubts, but on the opposite side. And some of them are different than on the original side. I have so much fear in general that I doubt my ability to do this process. It attaches to pain so easily and the fact that this pain new is really scaring me. If I try to let the pain go and walk off the gang plank without knowing if I can swim, what if the pain gets worse (I have so may problems already I don't want another, especially one that may interfere with my already poor sleep). I have seen the light that lies on the other side of TMS and I want it, but the pressure of trying to get there has me going under as well. Last night I awoke and had this feeling that trying to believe in TMS is like being told that there is a wonderful world of light on the other side of a closed door, but that I need to have absolute faith even to open the door, while everything I have ever known is on this side. How does one conjure up or build the faith to find the doorknob in the dark? It makes me very sad. At least I am feeling that as I write this, I want to heal so bad. I want my life back and I want my baby back (she left because of my obsessions, but we still want each other if we can both change enough).
    Thank you,

    Andrew
     

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