Day 37 Possible breakthrough

[JacketSpud]

today while chatting with my sister (she's in uk, I'm in US. Haven't seen her in 3 years. We skype occasionally and chat over messaging regularly. I've lived here 11 years. We both had our first kids nine months apart seven years ago) my head started to feel right like it did when I first started the SEP. I still get for the most part but have hardly had any of the throbbing head pain that usually accompanies it in 3.5 weeks.

I started to write my journal entry today and was about to look through my list of stresses to see what I should write about but instead I put my pen to the page and just let it move. I wrote about how much I miss my sister (this wasn't even a stress on my list, I've been living away for so long I didn't even feel as though I do miss her for the most of the time - I'm just used to it being this way) and how we missed out on becoming mothers together and sharing the most amazing parts of the last seven years. I wrote only about 2 sentences before I was crying and seven before I was sobbing so hard I couldn't see to write any more. I cried until it subsided then a little more to my husband. But then my throbbing head came back as well as the start of a migraine. Basically, the emotions have me an almost instant flare up. The emotions were so intense and absolutely the first time in five weeks I've ended up uncovering emotions I didn't realize we're there (not rage, wel except at the situation). Normally I find emotions that are more intense than I realized, but this was honestly a major shock to me.

Has this happened to anyone else? Where uncovering emotions cause an instant flare of symptoms?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi JacketSpud,

I have clients whose strong emotions seem to trigger symptoms. I have more often seen it the other way, where strong emotions relieve symptoms. It can go either way. One way that the emotions may trigger symptoms is that the distracting function of pain really kicks in when the deep feelings begin to rise to the surface. There arises a defense, which is pain, to keep these feelings at bay.

The important thing perhaps is to see the correlation: emotional feelings, then pain.

It also sounds like what is important/surprising to you is the depth of the feelings around your connection/disconnection with your sister. How wonderful to know yourself this way, with more attunement and tenderness. I am touched by what you wrote.

I would not be afraid of strong feelings, by the way. You seem to be accessing more of a flow and availability of feelings, which to me is part of the TMS work. We send a message to the stuff down below saying "It is OK to feel these difficult feelings." This depressurizes the system. "De-tensionizes"...

Andy B.

 

[JacketSpud]

Hi JacketSpud,

I have clients whose strong emotions seem to trigger symptoms. I have more often seen it the other way, where strong emotions relieve symptoms. It can go either way. One way that the emotions may trigger symptoms is that the distracting function of pain really kicks in when the deep feelings begin to rise to the surface. There arises a defense, which is pain, to keep these feelings at bay.

The important thing perhaps is to see the correlation: emotional feelings, then pain.

It also sounds like what is important/surprising to you is the depth of the feelings around your connection/disconnection with your sister. How wonderful to know yourself this way, with more attunement and tenderness. I am touched by what you wrote.

I would not be afraid of strong feelings, by the way. You seem to be accessing more of a flow and availability of feelings, which to me is part of the TMS work. We send a message to the stuff down below saying "It is OK to feel these difficult feelings." This depressurizes the system. "De-tensionizes"...

Andy B.

Thank you, Andy, for your very kind and thoughtful words. To realize how sad I am about being so disconnected from my sister has been a real eye opener. I feel so deflated today after such an emotional outpouring, but I think that's ok. I'm taking it easy, relaxing with my kids, having lots of cuddles.

One think I thought impossible at the start of this was "outcome independence". Whilst I still have days where I just want to be over this pain once and for all, I've realized that even though I can't get to my unconscious rage etc, I have so much bubbling away just under the surface that emotionally, I'm going to be in a much better place, regardless of the effects on my pain (which, as I said previously, is also so much better now than it was a month ago).

Moreover, I have two kids and a husband and yet so much of the time I feel alone. I'm wondering if my isolation comes from the way these emotions hold me back (not saying I'm distant from my kids, but I can hardly discuss all this with them, especially since I had no idea I get the way I do or as strongly as I do about so many things). As I open up to myself, I'm able to open up to my husband too - he's always thought me a little extreme emotionally (swing between holding it all in and extreme anxiety - actually, I guess I withdraw even more during the anxiety) and now he can see that I do have feelings about many, many things, they're just waiting to be discovered.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, JacketSpud. I think you just need to be more patient about your TMS emotions. I wouldn't expect everyone to understand what you are doing in TMS healing, but am glad your husband is able to accept your discussing it with him. We all try to be patient with outcome independence, but it isn't easy.

It's a very encouraging sign that you are healing because your pain is less than it was a month ago.

I was disconnected from my older brother for three years. We were total opposites. He even returned my letters unopened. It took a few years but I let it just settle and then phoned him and asked if we could just put our disagreements behind us and go on from there. He had mellowed by then and said okay and we re-connected. It may take some time but I am confident you and your sister will connect again.

 

[JacketSpud]

Hi, JacketSpud. I think you just need to be more patient about your TMS emotions. I wouldn't expect everyone to understand what you are doing in TMS healing, but am glad your husband is able to accept your discussing it with him. We all try to be patient with outcome independence, but it isn't easy.

It's a very encouraging sign that you are healing because your pain is less than it was a month ago.

I was disconnected from my older brother for three years. We were total opposites. He even returned my letters unopened. It took a few years but I let it just settle and then phoned him and asked if we could just put our disagreements behind us and go on from there. He had mellowed by then and said okay and we re-connected. It may take some time but I am confident you and your sister will connect again.

Hi Walt, thank for your thoughts. the only reason my sister and I are disconnected is a distance thing. We are actually great friends as well as sister, but distance (living in different continents) and time (11 years apart) have made it so hard. She is a great person and I guess I really miss getting to share that. I just didn't realize how much until last night. Maybe one day I'll get to move back home. I sure hope so.

In unlearn your pain it says go straight for the rage. I'm pretty sure there was hidden rage in last nights emotions but I couldn't have gotten to it if I'd been ready too - I clearly needed to grieve for a while. I still am today actually. I'm just allowing myself to do that and taking it easy on myself. The last month of journaling has been really hard on me, and I just need to deal with what has come up and let myself heal from it all - treat myself well, enjoy time with my husband and children.

I am definitely healing - there is no question on that - I was jut amazed at how intense my emotions were and how it bought my pain back. It was a little scary!

Now I'm going to bake some thanksgiving treats with my little ones. Something I'd have dreaded a month ago when I was in so much pain.

 

[Colly]

Hi Spud, I have five sisters all living thousands of miles away, and have been missing them terribly for 20 years. I can relate to your breakthrough. I find I have outpourings of grief a couple of times a year and just let the tears flow. I find that the outpourings are very cathartic, as prior to them I've usually been holding it together. I try to get back to see them about once a year now otherwise it just gets too hard.

One of the saddest things about being away is missing out on all the day to day stuff... the chats around the kitchen table at Mam's... the girlie mindless and funny banter we always have when we catch up. It was my choice to move this far away, so I need to accept the situation or do something... perhaps move back.

The important thing is to keep connected with regular chats and Skype. I find it hard to do this with five sisters and a very close brother AND parents, but it's so important, otherwise I lose that closeness.

Don't be afraid to let the grief be felt. The pain increasing won't happen on every occasion (don't think about it too much if it does), and often an outpouring will resolve any pain you're having. My mother always says "a good bawl is good for you", and she's right.

And book a flight to see her, so you can start counting down the days till you see her again.

 

[Murmur]

Has this happened to anyone else? Where uncovering emotions cause an instant flare of symptoms?

Yes, a few times now. I've hit a few topics I didn't know we're there and cried like a baby. Also, my pain is in my leg and foot, but when I hit one of these "jackpot" topics, in addition to the crying, my wrist (broken in '08) starts to ache and my hands begin to tremble. This usually leaves my leg hurting, so I know I'm onto something.

 

[JacketSpud]

Hi Spud, I have five sisters all living thousands of miles away, and have been missing them terribly for 20 years. I can relate to your breakthrough. I find I have outpourings of grief a couple of times a year and just let the tears flow. I find that the outpourings are very cathartic, as prior to them I've usually been holding it together. I try to get back to see them about once a year now otherwise it just gets too hard.

One of the saddest things about being away is missing out on all the day to day stuff... the chats around the kitchen table at Mam's... the girlie mindless and funny banter we always have when we catch up. It was my choice to move this far away, so I need to accept the situation or do something... perhaps move back.

The important thing is to keep connected with regular chats and Skype. I find it hard to do this with five sisters and a very close brother AND parents, but it's so important, otherwise I lose that closeness.

Don't be afraid to let the grief be felt. The pain increasing won't happen on every occasion (don't think about it too much if it does), and often an outpouring will resolve any pain you're having. My mother always says "a good bawl is good for you", and she's right.

And book a flight to see her, so you can start counting down the days till you see her again.

You are 100% right. It's the day to day living I am so sad about. Popping round for a coffee and a chat etc. thank you so much for your comments. i feel very understood! My sister and I do Skype but not as often as we should. It gets annoying cos the kids all (2 on each end now) want to sho off to each other all the time. But I'm going to chat with her later this week and I'm so excited. Might lock myself in the bathroom so I can chat with her in peace.

 

[JacketSpud]

Yes, a few times now. I've hit a few topics I didn't know we're there and cried like a baby. Also, my pain is in my leg and foot, but when I hit one of these "jackpot" topics, in addition to the crying, my wrist (broken in '08) starts to ache and my hands begin to tremble. This usually leaves my leg hurting, so I know I'm onto something.

Thank you for this. It's nice to know it happens to others (though I'm sorry it causes you pain) because it helps normalize things a bit.