Day 33 Positive changes (but...)

[Sissiliz]

This doesn't seem the good day to write about positive changes but I am doing that exactly coz it's a hard day.
Since I started the program I:
- got rid of all my sitting cushions
- have been tapering off narcotics (halfway now to stopping them completely)
- have been sitting much more than before although through pain
- have resumed gym and recently jogging
- have resumed driving and meetings friends
- have become aware of many repressed emotions
- have taken more time to myself
- exposed my thoughts and feelings to a friend (our relationship was long gone already but I did not want to face that)
- been meditating, journaling, trying to feel my emotions

That's good, right? Not for me! I had a terrific improvement of my symptom in the first 10 days and that was probably the worst thing that could happen to me. I was so happy and hopeful... Pain has been coming back more and more to previous levels and now I rarely have a pain free hour in one week.
That's generated a lot of disappointment, sadness and fear. I know this is feeding the pain. I try to get distracted, tell myself I am safe, follow all advice... Yesterday I was quite calm and hopeful after having a nice run and today that pain is already very high and it's only morning, I am crying like a baby, and my brain can only think " I am so tired".
The positive things I did are like practical things and I am good at those - you tell me I need to do it? I will!. I cannot seem to be good at what is related to emotions and feel where there is no simple path to follow that works for all, a workbook to get healed.
Sorry for the rant...

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Sissiliz,

I am sorry about your discouragement. I understand it.

I want to help you recognize that the "feeling and emotions" education ----a deep work, does take time. I think it takes sincerity, mindfulness, persistence, and courage. I think you have all of this. So the main ingredient is time. I hope you continue. The other piece to add, and I've not kept up on your progress and story, is that it can be helpful to have counseling, outside coaching, etc. as support. We spend all of our lives learning to avoid feeling. This is a process, which you've taken on, not a simple path. Bravo!

The fact you've had pain relief is great, and hopeful, in my opinion. This is a taste of where you're going. It is a memory which, if you can feel this in your body, these moments, recalling your hope and freedom---- this can be a deep touchstone, even if it is not your experience in the "now." This is a direct "taste" which many don't have in the first week or two. Take heart, and persist, and be gentle with yourself. You are not failing, and there is probably nothing you're doing "wrong" in this...

When you get done, you can do the whole program over again, or use other programs.

I hope this helps you know that, from a great distance, you're doing fine.

Andy

 

[Sissiliz]

Hi Andy
Thank you very much for your time and support. This is great to read. We as perfectionists definitely want to nail everything as soon as possible and we work hard and want to see results coming from this effort. It takes time to understand that the result is not not having your pain today or tomorrow but making another step in your journey that will lead you one day to be a much better person, more self aware, not afraid of feeling emotions, of asking for help, of stopping to take time for yourself and also hopefully pain free