Hi,
Where to start....
3 and a half years ago, I started to become very cold and shivery constantly. I was at uni, a smoker, severely depressed, alone, and everyday on the hour I'd sit on cold hard steps outside my flat and have a cigarette. This went on for 5 months, getting colder and colder until I started with severe burning pain in both buttocks, my coccyx, lower back, both legs front and back (not front of thighs though). It eventually spread after a year to the bottoms of my feet. Since then it has not stopped for A SECOND. Its horrific to sit due to the butt and coccyx pain (feels like a rock is jammed up my coccyx), walking is awful due to the burning feet...
After two years of this it spread to my arms and hands, although this isn't constant.
Backstory:
I have had this pain before, when I was 15 I fell of a motorbike. No structural damage, but I had to leave school due to the pain in my coccyx and legs. Spine doc said it was coccyxdinia but couldnt explain the leg pain. Offered me injections but because it wasnt constant back then, just when I walked, I was too scared and refused - it went away when I started uni....
This time the spine scan says degenerative discs, and a tarlov cyst...which scared me as I read a story of a woman wheelchair bound from a tarlov cyst. WEIRD thing is, I can jump, go the gym, squat, all without pain. I never get a sharp pain when bending ect. Its more a continual burning, that goes at the gym when I'm working out, but then afterwards i am in 10x more agony and too scared to return to gym incase i'm making my pain worse.
I have also had somatic symtpoms since I was 5, long depressing story of childhood seperation anxiety, abuse and trauma ect. By the age of 23 I'd had bladder surgery, bowel surgery, ovary surgery, cervical cancer cells. sepsis of no unknown cause, chronic kidney pain.... which have all vanished now but the bowel issues.
Since i've had the leg and arm pain, I've developed severe GERD with bile into the mouth, chest pain, right shoulder pain (scan says bursitis and possible TOS), stomach pain everytime I eat..
Please do not think I'm a hypochronidaic. I hate my hometown, the pain is the only thing keeping me here, I have no reason to want to be in pain and be stuck in this town I despise with no friends. After my shitty life I got a first class uni degree and was on my way to working for the UN in a job I always wanted to do,helping people, and I had to come back home to where I don't know anyone but my emotionally abusive mum. Since this pain i'm having 20+ panic attacks a day as no painkiller has worked for me, i'm exhausted.
I've had physio, dry needling, acunputure you name it... nothings worked.
So a year ago I found TMS. I've read around 10 books now on TMS, even tried the educational programme, but I'm stuck for a few reasons. I can't seem to have full belieif in TMS. I fit the personality type perfectly, Ive always had OCD, perfectionism ect
I also fit the bill of having seperation anxiety at a young age (Steves Book), and also I KNOW I have extreme repressed rage towards my mum for not leaving the abusive dude who ruined my childhood from 8-14, and not protecting me...
1. I can't find anyone else who has the same symtpoms as me, as in my pain is constant. It hurts to press into my buttocks, hips, sides of legs like a hot iron bruise pain, does that not mean its structural?
2. I have no issue believing my Gerd, stomach, bowel ect is from TMS but the leg butt feet pain I just can't and I don't know how to.
3. The tarlov cyst worries me, but the general consesnus from spinal surgeons is that they dont cause pain, but my research into them i've found thounsads who say they do, so what if thats me
Sorry if TMI, but in the past 3 years i've had multiple suicide attemps over the pain, daily breakdowns its that extreme. A+E docs have been stood over me on the brink of tears unable to help me, its traumatised me. I can't work due to the pain but i'm slowly saving up for a tms therapist.
My question is:
Does this sound like TMS? Can TMS cause burning searing bruise pain when you press into your muscles? Can it be constant? Can it be in both legs and feet and buttocks? What do i do? Im terrified to go back to the gym because it hurts more afterwards. How do I convince my brain im safe when I am in unbeliveable agony 24/7 for 36+ months? Will I ever recover from this? Is it safe to go to the gym?
Thank you if you took the time to read this.
Where to start....
3 and a half years ago, I started to become very cold and shivery constantly. I was at uni, a smoker, severely depressed, alone, and everyday on the hour I'd sit on cold hard steps outside my flat and have a cigarette. This went on for 5 months, getting colder and colder until I started with severe burning pain in both buttocks, my coccyx, lower back, both legs front and back (not front of thighs though). It eventually spread after a year to the bottoms of my feet. Since then it has not stopped for A SECOND. Its horrific to sit due to the butt and coccyx pain (feels like a rock is jammed up my coccyx), walking is awful due to the burning feet...
After two years of this it spread to my arms and hands, although this isn't constant.
Backstory:
I have had this pain before, when I was 15 I fell of a motorbike. No structural damage, but I had to leave school due to the pain in my coccyx and legs. Spine doc said it was coccyxdinia but couldnt explain the leg pain. Offered me injections but because it wasnt constant back then, just when I walked, I was too scared and refused - it went away when I started uni....
This time the spine scan says degenerative discs, and a tarlov cyst...which scared me as I read a story of a woman wheelchair bound from a tarlov cyst. WEIRD thing is, I can jump, go the gym, squat, all without pain. I never get a sharp pain when bending ect. Its more a continual burning, that goes at the gym when I'm working out, but then afterwards i am in 10x more agony and too scared to return to gym incase i'm making my pain worse.
I have also had somatic symtpoms since I was 5, long depressing story of childhood seperation anxiety, abuse and trauma ect. By the age of 23 I'd had bladder surgery, bowel surgery, ovary surgery, cervical cancer cells. sepsis of no unknown cause, chronic kidney pain.... which have all vanished now but the bowel issues.
Since i've had the leg and arm pain, I've developed severe GERD with bile into the mouth, chest pain, right shoulder pain (scan says bursitis and possible TOS), stomach pain everytime I eat..
Please do not think I'm a hypochronidaic. I hate my hometown, the pain is the only thing keeping me here, I have no reason to want to be in pain and be stuck in this town I despise with no friends. After my shitty life I got a first class uni degree and was on my way to working for the UN in a job I always wanted to do,helping people, and I had to come back home to where I don't know anyone but my emotionally abusive mum. Since this pain i'm having 20+ panic attacks a day as no painkiller has worked for me, i'm exhausted.
I've had physio, dry needling, acunputure you name it... nothings worked.
So a year ago I found TMS. I've read around 10 books now on TMS, even tried the educational programme, but I'm stuck for a few reasons. I can't seem to have full belieif in TMS. I fit the personality type perfectly, Ive always had OCD, perfectionism ect
I also fit the bill of having seperation anxiety at a young age (Steves Book), and also I KNOW I have extreme repressed rage towards my mum for not leaving the abusive dude who ruined my childhood from 8-14, and not protecting me...
1. I can't find anyone else who has the same symtpoms as me, as in my pain is constant. It hurts to press into my buttocks, hips, sides of legs like a hot iron bruise pain, does that not mean its structural?
2. I have no issue believing my Gerd, stomach, bowel ect is from TMS but the leg butt feet pain I just can't and I don't know how to.
3. The tarlov cyst worries me, but the general consesnus from spinal surgeons is that they dont cause pain, but my research into them i've found thounsads who say they do, so what if thats me
Sorry if TMI, but in the past 3 years i've had multiple suicide attemps over the pain, daily breakdowns its that extreme. A+E docs have been stood over me on the brink of tears unable to help me, its traumatised me. I can't work due to the pain but i'm slowly saving up for a tms therapist.
My question is:
Does this sound like TMS? Can TMS cause burning searing bruise pain when you press into your muscles? Can it be constant? Can it be in both legs and feet and buttocks? What do i do? Im terrified to go back to the gym because it hurts more afterwards. How do I convince my brain im safe when I am in unbeliveable agony 24/7 for 36+ months? Will I ever recover from this? Is it safe to go to the gym?
Thank you if you took the time to read this.
