Day 30 Physical and emotional(?) progress but mental lapses

[armchairlinguist]

I can hardly believe I've been doing the SEP for a month. I'm doing much better physically. I still tend to get pain with walking, but less and less, and I am walking more and more. A while ago in HabitRPG (an online to-do game, if you don't know it) I set myself a goal to walk a half mile or more every day. Recently I bumped that up to 3/4 mile and most days I do it. Since the day that I gardened standing up for two hours, I haven't worried about standing. I'm still not running or hiking (both have a lot of fear around them) but I have been doing yoga and pilates occasionally. A few days ago I had an insight into my level of fear of having no impact/control/influence and how it plays into my perfectionism and often rule-bound behavior. I've also been doing more meditation/relaxation stuff which seems to help me generally. The SEP materials are very helpful, I'm thinking I might keep re-reading the ones that really resonate for a while. From yesterday's (Day 29) I especially liked the point that it's not the we don't know our feelings, but that we don't feel them, that's the problem. I think that will help me stop overthinking how I must be feeling, and focus on the actual experience more.

I'm still cautious-to-fearful with curbs and stairs, though, and certain activities that I think are "risky" like yoga are more likely to trigger symptoms. Whenever I have a momentary twinge of pain in my ankle, I start to worry again. This kind of thinking tends to lapse me back into TMS-land for a while, I start the cycle of worrying about whether I'm "done for the day" or if I "hurt something in there". If I can ignore a twinge, it's usually just a twinge, but it's hard to do. I'm not as firm with the "You're not really hurt, your foot is strong" thoughts as I was back when I had RSI, because it's been such a fight for me to believe that my ankle pain is really TMS and not a leftover injury. I think I could just use a little support right now. I know what I need to do, I'm just having some trouble doing it.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, armchair. You're doing really great, increasing your walking, and standing long when gardening.
Just keep at it. Don't push yourself, but expect there to be some pain when you are active.

As for feeling and thinking about feeling, I just figure I feel pain or its psychlogical TMS causes
and don't stress about it. The main thing is to keep positive and know that your ankle pain is going to heal.
Sure, be careful walking and using stairs, but don't let it keep you from those activities.

And keep happy.

 

[Ellen]

I can hardly believe I've been doing the SEP for a month. I'm doing much better physically. I still tend to get pain with walking, but less and less, and I am walking more and more. A while ago in HabitRPG (an online to-do game, if you don't know it) I set myself a goal to walk a half mile or more every day. Recently I bumped that up to 3/4 mile and most days I do it. Since the day that I gardened standing up for two hours, I haven't worried about standing. I'm still not running or hiking (both have a lot of fear around them) but I have been doing yoga and pilates occasionally. A few days ago I had an insight into my level of fear of having no impact/control/influence and how it plays into my perfectionism and often rule-bound behavior. I've also been doing more meditation/relaxation stuff which seems to help me generally. The SEP materials are very helpful, I'm thinking I might keep re-reading the ones that really resonate for a while. From yesterday's (Day 29) I especially liked the point that it's not the we don't know our feelings, but that we don't feel them, that's the problem. I think that will help me stop overthinking how I must be feeling, and focus on the actual experience more.

I'm still cautious-to-fearful with curbs and stairs, though, and certain activities that I think are "risky" like yoga are more likely to trigger symptoms. Whenever I have a momentary twinge of pain in my ankle, I start to worry again. This kind of thinking tends to lapse me back into TMS-land for a while, I start the cycle of worrying about whether I'm "done for the day" or if I "hurt something in there". If I can ignore a twinge, it's usually just a twinge, but it's hard to do. I'm not as firm with the "You're not really hurt, your foot is strong" thoughts as I was back when I had RSI, because it's been such a fight for me to believe that my ankle pain is really TMS and not a leftover injury. I think I could just use a little support right now. I know what I need to do, I'm just having some trouble doing it.

It sounds like you are doing well. Just be patient and keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like it is doubt about whether or not you have TMS that is the main obstacle. Do you have an evidence sheet? It might help you to keep one of those, and to focus on removing doubt. Best wishes on your journey....

 

[armchairlinguist]

Thanks, you both.
I had a rough day at work today, and came home to have some wine. Alcohol can be numbing, but in moderate quantities I find it pretty helpful for lowering barriers to actually feeling feelings. I think sometimes I have a hard time believing that "enough" feelings are stored up somewhere in me for TMS to make sense, but when I'm able to access feelings more effectively, I realize that there's a lot of suffering I go through physically because I'm not experiencing my emotions.

I think I have to work on both as I did before - breaking that connection (knowing that the pain is emotionally generated) and actually feeling various feelings. Strangely, I think journaling gives me the illusion that I have some control over how that happens, which is sorta the worst thing you can give a control freak - the illusion of control. So I haven't found it that helpful. I actually find books, articles, TV, movies, etc better for bringing up emotions in a surprising way that I have less control over.