Day 31 Physical Affection

[Stella]

I went to a piano recital for my grandson (step-daughter's son). The other grandson, 4 years old, sat on his Mother's lap. His legs were up close to his chest. His Mother's arms were completely wrapped around him. She would rub her cheek against his then give him a kiss then lightly squeeze and rub him some more multiple times during the event. I couldn't stop watching this. I thought it was so sweet and loving.

After the event I kept thinking about this then I realized this was something I never received from my Mother nor my Father all the time I was growing up. Yes, we would take family pictures with our arms around each others waist but that was the extent of the touching.

Then I started thinking more about physical affection. As an adult when I would visit my parents I would sit next to my Mother and always take her hand. I don't remember her ever ever reaching to take my hand. All 3 children reach to take her hand.

My Father, now (after talking to them about the no grieving/crying related to my baby brother's death) he is always reaching for me. He wants to put his arm around me. He tells me he loves me with tears in his eyes.

As Dr. David Clarke states in his book, children always hold out hope there will be some type of reconciliation with their parents, and children withhold/hold on to their anger assuming it will keep this from happening. Sandy

 

[veronica73]

That is awesome about your dad. It's never too late. Sometimes people surprise you (in a good way).

I love your posts and watching your healing journey

 

[tarala]

Yes Sandy, awesome is the right word for your dad, but even more awesome for you for being brave enough to start it all.

 

[Jilly]

As Dr. David Clarke states in his book, children always hold out hope there will be some type of reconciliation with their parents, and children withhold/hold on to their anger assuming it will keep this from happening. Sandy

I could see it all as I was reading your story...wow ! One thing, I don't understand is above...can you help me understand ....

 

[Stella]

Hi Jilly,
Thanks for your question. I will try to answer it.

I one day hope my Mother will let me get close to her. That she will accept me and wrap me in her arms with love and acceptance letting me get close to her. My fear is that if I create conflict, disagreement or disappointment with her reconciliation will never happen. So I hold back hoping it will change.

Well, I don't believe this now and, of course, for my own personal health I have to acknowledge these emotions in my mind or verbally. She will never change.

 

[tarala]

Wow Sandy, you sure have come a long way. It's so hard for us to do something that might make someone important to us stop "loving" us. Better being true to ourselves than true to them. Once in a blue moon people do change, but in my experience it has never been because I wanted them too.

 

[Jilly]

Sandy,

You posted...
and children withhold/hold on to their anger assuming it will keep this from happening.

Are you / Dr Clark saying, children assume because of their anger at the parents the reconciliation will not happen
and at the same time the children are holding out and hoping for reconciliation ?
I think I understand what your'e saying..let me know if I am understanding what you and Dr. Clark are saying.

 

[Stella]

if i show verbal anger when with my parents (which has never been acceptable behavior in my family) then i loose hope of any type of reconciliation (because i have made them unhappy and that is bad, bad, bad).

Tarala, yes, my Mother will never change so I might as well be who i need to be to make me healthy.

 

[Gigi]

Sandy,
What courage you have! You go girl! I'm marveling that were able to change an entire family dynamic.
Touch was largely absent in my home as well. I made sure I touched my daughter as she grew up. I think that was something I was starved for.
You're amazing!