Evening all, Day 12 work for me and the first time I have journalled about one of my personality traits. I started at the top - definitely perfectionism for me. The first one that jumped off the page for me when I read healing back pain also. As always I really appreciate the thoughts and comments. I am generally feeling so much more positive and motivated at the moment, in no small part to the support and nurturing atmosphere from this wonderful community. Thanks all I am a perfectionist. A good example of this is how my love of cooking has turned into a need to impress. I may be getting over this a little now, but whenever my wife and I have thrown dinner parties in the past, I have always had to it better than everyone else. Where other friends do a three course meal, one of which is probably a quick ready-made starter of meats and olives etc, I have to do a 7 course meal with canapés, starters, fish course, entrees etc. This is exactly how I am with everything. I have to try and be the best and always imagine where it could take me. I have thought of being on Masterchef before with my cooking, but not for the enjoyment of the experience; because of the compulsion that it is the pinnacle of home cooking at the moment so I ‘must’ try and get there. With my work I have to be the best. This has translated into success after success with by students in business competitions. It is brilliant and I love it, but it is definitely because I need to do well. I look at the other teachers running the competition and they seem fine with just being mediocre. But not me. With the resources I make for teaching lessons – every animation, every timing on presentations has to be perfect and I have been known to spend hours making sure they run smoothly. Then resources I get from other teachers are bog standard and have no thought or flare put into them. But that’s ok! They are only on screen for a few seconds and are gone – they don’t need to have all the effort and time put into them! But I do it anyway because the presentations have got to look perfect and as good as possible for the kids. My perfectionism comes into needing to please people. I need to impress and please my bosses all the time and it often detracts from what I am doing at the time. There is nothing I would like more than to try and not care about what others think. I think I have been getting better at this over the years, and to be honest this latest bad spout of pain has made me re-evaluate what is important and place more wellbeing on my health. But I know subconsciously this is making me angry at my pain even more so because it is making me resent the fact that I can’t work and be the perfectionist I need to be. I need to let go of that side and not try and be perfect. It’s so funny sometimes. I can’t just live in the moment – I have to think about where I could be if I got brilliant at things. Swimming – not just enjoying the exercise, but thinking if I could compete in an open water swim – to impress others like my wife! Even TMS! I am no-where near healing but I have had thoughts about re-training as a practitioner just through the innate need to be perfect at the process and pass that knowledge (and impress?) others! It’s ridiculous! I need to stop living for the future of what could be if I was perfect at something, and enjoy the now. I need to stop thinking about how much better at something I need to be than others and do what is right for me. There is nothing drastically terrible going to happen if for once I just be, and not (try and) be the best. Maybe one day I will apply for Masterchef. Once I have beat this pain. But for now, beating this pain needs to be something I take my time with and not put pressure on myself to be perfect with that. It will go. It will just take time. And that is ok. It is ok to just live for today and not worry about what tomorrow will bring, whether that is a day with some pain, or a day without.