Thanks all for the responses!!
Removing terms used i think is a good idea, with sitting pain i just saw it as mind body pain i didn't reference or think of the exact part of the pelvis it hurt in or call it oh my pelvic floor is hurting.
For me the ED naturally comes with emotional weight because ive had this for a decade since i was 18, i havent been able to get a good enough erection to have actual penetrative sex and have avoided getting a partner as a result. And i've always wanted one.
I can totally understand why you'd avoid dating. Hell, there was a time in the middle of my symptoms where I worried I'd never be able to be sexually active again they were so bad and that was very scary. But I think this way of thinking about it is a bit backwards. You say you want a partner—if you find someone you connect with and who really cares about you emotionally, I guarantee you they're not going to actually care about whether you're always up to penetrative sex. (And I also suspect if you were in such a relationship where you felt truly safe with someone and didn't feel the pressure to perform, that might help with your symptoms too!) Not that you have to share anything here, but I wonder if you've considered how you feel towards yourself, if you feel you are deserving of a relationship and all that entails emotionally. Self-compassion is maybe the toughest thing I have had to learn along the way, and I'm totally still learning. It could be a piece of the puzzle for you, as to my mind it's hard to imagine being in a good relationship when you don't actually like yourself to begin with.
I dont really know how to remove the emotional attachment from that symptom, because it naturally has emotional stuff tied to it but really more then anything it stops me from doing what i want to do sex wise but socially too it effects that.
I would start with the social—journaling has been a great way for me to work through some of my social anxiety—and worry about the sex later; sex is great and all but it's not on its own going to make you happy. It's something that can be an enjoyable and even fulfilling part of your life but I would be careful around seeing it as a prerequisite for everything else.
With Dan's stuff i was of the impression he doesnt really recommend focusing on doing the emotional stuff and having adopted his approach for the last 2-3 months and having so much success with sitting and general pelvic pain has improved so much and i'd say almost gone completely. I was thinking the rest would come too because its part of the pelvis. But ive been hesistent to delve into other stuff just because his approach has worked so well compared to the 10 year struggle of getting nowhere with stretching/strengthening/conventional pelvic floor physiotherapy.
Your success so far is more evidence that it is TMS. I think not everyone needs the deeper emotional work but in my mind it all comes back to Sarno's concept of tension (if you haven't yet I would really recommend reading a Sarno book, like the Mindbody Prescription)—if there are still things going on in you emotionally that are creating tension, that needs to be addressed or the symptoms will persist. Dan does de-emphasize the emotional side of things, but a lot of the success story videos on his channel include some deeper emotional work or realization or life change or
something. Dan is all about getting to the
deep knowing that you're actually safe and fine, for which maybe knowing that nothing's wrong with you structurally is enough for some people. For me I wasn't able to conjure that mental state out of thin air; I kind of needed to slowly come to the realization that I am actually capable of providing a sense of safety to myself, i.e. taking care of myself, living my life in a way that aligns with my values, etc. I guess I should say here that therapy has also helped with this, and I'm lucky to have a therapist that is open to talking about mindbody stuff.
I'd kind of do what a lot of guys in the hard flaccid space do where they'd revert to porn use because you dont need as good of an erection to do it but that i dont think sends the right messages to the brain its not a calming activity.
Any sources of info or tips for addressing the emotional stuff if you guys think thats the route would be great.
Stress and anxiety never effected my pelvic pain specifically, interestingly but it still was mind body.
I think you have the right idea exactly—it's certainly not a calming activity, not necessarily because it's porn (I mean that will spike the nervous system, but so will a busy social event) but
because you're thinking about your symptoms the whole time. I was in one of those chatrooms for pelvic stuff for a little while very early on in my TMS experience and honestly it really helped me to leave it behind completely. The messageboard here is maybe the one good internet space I've found; I wouldn't bother with the rest. What you have going on is no different than someone with back pain or migraines, it's just a different area and and you can and will get better.
