bradpittwashere
Newcomer
Hello everyone. This is weird. I don't even know where to start lol. I guess I'm here because I wanted to tell my story. Share what I've been through, how I'm here and hopefully I can get some good feedback and support. Within this post I think its best that I split it up into two parts. In reality there's multiple parts. But I see it as this; part 1 (15+ years), time 'suffering', my history, my pelvic floor dysfunction/symptoms, my mental health, and how I think everything started. Part 2 is the last couple of months, but also the arguably the hardest months of my life, physically and mentally. Part 2 is where my dysfunction turned into pain, how I learned about TMS, and where I'm at now. Please bare with me because I'm going to be brutally honest. My issues are quiet embarrassing. They have taken a lot of time from me. Its made me so self-conscious that I can't bare to live my life sometimes, I just exist.
Part 1
So who am I? I am a 26y/0 male that has been suffering from pelvic floor dysfunction since I was a kid. I believe problem started due to medical issue. I didn't like to poop as a kid. Around 10ish I had to go to the ER cause I was impacted. Idk why I had such a bad relationship with pooping. I dont know that this is exactly what started it but it makes sense. Constant tension to hold back poop, emergency room, then issues manifesting into my chronic symptoms. I do recall going through middle school very uncomfortable. I would feel this wet sensation in my anus, not knowing what it was. I would check my pants constantly to see if there was anything there. I would go to the bathroom to wipe all the time. This is when I became hypervigilant of how I was perceived. This is where my anxiety kicked in due to fear of judgement. I started noticing peoples body movements and how they would react when they sat next to me. I started feeling like I smelled bad, like gas or poop, all the time. I started believing that I did too, mainly because when I would go to the bathroom there would be something to wipe, so I had evidence. I always practiced good hygiene, sure we didn't have a bidet, but I always tried to be clean. Showered every day etc. But nothing helped. There was a handful of times where people actually said things, and that kind of still haunts me. This way of being continued throughout the years.
I had multiple doctors appointments, GIs, colorectal surgeons, etc. Nothing was really found. I think I did test positive for lactose intolerance. I had a colonoscopy at the ripe age of 14-15. Nothing found. Colorectal surgeons were seen near the start of college, where I did a balloon test and Anorectal manometry, where I was told I had very dysfunctional muscles and was recommended pelvic floor therapy. Later I found it was hypertonic pf. I never had really bad pain, but did have huge discomfort sitting. Especially on long car and plane rides. The discomfort was felt in my lower back, hips , and thighs/legs. I think this was because of the chronic tension I held in my PF, and probably because ive been in a fight/flight state for so long. Throughout school I become very lonely, I mean I had friends. I'd like to say I was friendly to everyone, no matter what kind of group it was. People liked me. But I was too scared to go out and live a normal young life. I was stuck inside a lot, and turned to drugs to help with my loneliness. Weed turned into pills, pills turned into alcohol at 21. The anxiety was rampant, the fear was out of control, I remember walking the college halls and I would actually hold my breath. I was in constant state of anxiety, panic and fear. Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if someone was behind me, to see if they were judging me.
What I know now about my issue is that the hypertonicity of my pelvic floor caused incomplete evacuation and leakage. Because I could never get empty the hypertonicity, anxiety/fear would cause smearing/incontinence. I wouldn't say that I would poop my pants. That was never the case, but I was just never clean, at least not for long. Diet didn't really make a difference.
To be honest I always thought "once I fix my PF issues I will be happy, and I will live a good life" but in reality it doesn't matter if my symptoms are there, I feel like I have to learn how to be a part of society again. Deep down im an extrovert. I love talking to people, but fear holds me back.
Part 2
Alcoholism began at 21 and didn't really end until this past May. Part 2 involves my experience with pelvic floor therapy. I didn't start pelvic floor therapy until July of 2024. It was a very long time since I had actually heard of PF therapy. But tbh I just didn't understand and I was kind of embarrassed to start. IT was also during a time where I was self medicating. In reality I have been avoiding/suppressing my feelings for years. Getting drunk and high was my escape because of just how bad I felt in my body. Drinking in reality also made my symptoms worse. But it got really bad. I was definitely an isolated drinker but after my breakup I couldn't stop. I would drink myself to sleep every night. Anyways I started PF therapy, it was a lot of internal manual release. I did over 50ish sessions in a year. Luckily most of it was covered under insurance. PFT wasn't the best because I was always irritated due to the alcohol.
MBS is MBS, but I think we can all agree alcoholism can cause severe inflammation and damage to your insides. So taking that into account, PFT didnt' cure me, I think in one way or another it did help. Like I felt like I could empty more and I didnt smell like shit so much. Fast forward to this past October, I was using a pelvic wand, for those that don't know PFT therapy involves self internal manual release with a pelvic wand. I loathed the fact I had to use it but to try and better myself I did. Unfortunately I didn't use it correctly and actually held too much pressure on a nerve. I believe it to be the pudendal nerve. I remember feeling numbness that popped up on my left side, my hand, arm, leg. Lower back pain then started. I was freaking out because I couldn't sit. THe pain was 8/10. I immediately catastrophized and turned into a very dangerous depression. I believe my nervous system shutdown more than it already was. I felt extremely dizzy, light and sound sensitivity, sense of doom, waking up with extreme stress, panic attacks. I also had desensitization in various parts. I really thought my life was coming to an end. Around that time I was actually talking to an out of network PFT, one that did dry needling, electric stim, cupping, myofascial release, etc. I did about 6 sessions and it did get me out of extreme pain. At least Id like to believe it. I can sit again, but long sitting sessions in planes/cars definitely get to me a little. While I was bed bound I was doing a lot of research and came upon TMS. So at the same time I was learning about it.
Fast forward to now, I'm a lot better then I was. I still feel extreme tension in my hips, pelvic floor. Coccyx pain. I still have incomplete evacuation and deal with the embarrassing symptoms. I still get a sense of panic from time to time and deal with a feeling of 'drunkenness'. One that gets worse at night. I find that before this incidence I had Restless legs syndrome, that is back. I feel like my feet burn at night, pins/needles, itchiness, etc, that goes away during the day.
Conclusion
I Feel like the symptoms before my accident were highly related to TMS. Ive heard a lot of success stories where people had similar symptoms related to pelvic pain, lower back pain, etc. but I always try to compare and find someone that had the 'disgusting' symptoms I have. I know I shouldn't. I guess after my incident I don't know where to go from here. I hope that I can get my nervous system to a state where I don't hold tension. But also wonder if I need to go back to a psychotherapy and dig deeper to what Ive been through. A lot of these coaches state that fear is what holds the symptoms and while I get it, its really hard to have these sensitive pelvic floor symptoms which hold a lot of stigma and live my life without fear. Its hard to be myself when other people might be offended by me being around. TBH When I would get drunk and be in public I actually had minimal symptoms, it felt like my muscles would be at ease and I could just chill out. Also I remember being on Xanax for my graduation and there was just a huge bliss. I didn't feel my symptoms. But that of course is not the answer. My symptoms are definitely worse in public, or walking around after a while. I could not feel tension in my hips in bed, but once I start trying to live my life I feel it. Even just standing or walking around the mall. They are worse when I can't evacuate completely.
Sorry that this was such a long post. I would appreciate anyones support/advice that managed to read through this. I'm trying to remain positive and learning a lot about TMS. Like many people that have pain or symptoms this is my last resort to try and live a life I never had.
Part 1
So who am I? I am a 26y/0 male that has been suffering from pelvic floor dysfunction since I was a kid. I believe problem started due to medical issue. I didn't like to poop as a kid. Around 10ish I had to go to the ER cause I was impacted. Idk why I had such a bad relationship with pooping. I dont know that this is exactly what started it but it makes sense. Constant tension to hold back poop, emergency room, then issues manifesting into my chronic symptoms. I do recall going through middle school very uncomfortable. I would feel this wet sensation in my anus, not knowing what it was. I would check my pants constantly to see if there was anything there. I would go to the bathroom to wipe all the time. This is when I became hypervigilant of how I was perceived. This is where my anxiety kicked in due to fear of judgement. I started noticing peoples body movements and how they would react when they sat next to me. I started feeling like I smelled bad, like gas or poop, all the time. I started believing that I did too, mainly because when I would go to the bathroom there would be something to wipe, so I had evidence. I always practiced good hygiene, sure we didn't have a bidet, but I always tried to be clean. Showered every day etc. But nothing helped. There was a handful of times where people actually said things, and that kind of still haunts me. This way of being continued throughout the years.
I had multiple doctors appointments, GIs, colorectal surgeons, etc. Nothing was really found. I think I did test positive for lactose intolerance. I had a colonoscopy at the ripe age of 14-15. Nothing found. Colorectal surgeons were seen near the start of college, where I did a balloon test and Anorectal manometry, where I was told I had very dysfunctional muscles and was recommended pelvic floor therapy. Later I found it was hypertonic pf. I never had really bad pain, but did have huge discomfort sitting. Especially on long car and plane rides. The discomfort was felt in my lower back, hips , and thighs/legs. I think this was because of the chronic tension I held in my PF, and probably because ive been in a fight/flight state for so long. Throughout school I become very lonely, I mean I had friends. I'd like to say I was friendly to everyone, no matter what kind of group it was. People liked me. But I was too scared to go out and live a normal young life. I was stuck inside a lot, and turned to drugs to help with my loneliness. Weed turned into pills, pills turned into alcohol at 21. The anxiety was rampant, the fear was out of control, I remember walking the college halls and I would actually hold my breath. I was in constant state of anxiety, panic and fear. Constantly looking over my shoulder to see if someone was behind me, to see if they were judging me.
What I know now about my issue is that the hypertonicity of my pelvic floor caused incomplete evacuation and leakage. Because I could never get empty the hypertonicity, anxiety/fear would cause smearing/incontinence. I wouldn't say that I would poop my pants. That was never the case, but I was just never clean, at least not for long. Diet didn't really make a difference.
To be honest I always thought "once I fix my PF issues I will be happy, and I will live a good life" but in reality it doesn't matter if my symptoms are there, I feel like I have to learn how to be a part of society again. Deep down im an extrovert. I love talking to people, but fear holds me back.
Part 2
Alcoholism began at 21 and didn't really end until this past May. Part 2 involves my experience with pelvic floor therapy. I didn't start pelvic floor therapy until July of 2024. It was a very long time since I had actually heard of PF therapy. But tbh I just didn't understand and I was kind of embarrassed to start. IT was also during a time where I was self medicating. In reality I have been avoiding/suppressing my feelings for years. Getting drunk and high was my escape because of just how bad I felt in my body. Drinking in reality also made my symptoms worse. But it got really bad. I was definitely an isolated drinker but after my breakup I couldn't stop. I would drink myself to sleep every night. Anyways I started PF therapy, it was a lot of internal manual release. I did over 50ish sessions in a year. Luckily most of it was covered under insurance. PFT wasn't the best because I was always irritated due to the alcohol.
MBS is MBS, but I think we can all agree alcoholism can cause severe inflammation and damage to your insides. So taking that into account, PFT didnt' cure me, I think in one way or another it did help. Like I felt like I could empty more and I didnt smell like shit so much. Fast forward to this past October, I was using a pelvic wand, for those that don't know PFT therapy involves self internal manual release with a pelvic wand. I loathed the fact I had to use it but to try and better myself I did. Unfortunately I didn't use it correctly and actually held too much pressure on a nerve. I believe it to be the pudendal nerve. I remember feeling numbness that popped up on my left side, my hand, arm, leg. Lower back pain then started. I was freaking out because I couldn't sit. THe pain was 8/10. I immediately catastrophized and turned into a very dangerous depression. I believe my nervous system shutdown more than it already was. I felt extremely dizzy, light and sound sensitivity, sense of doom, waking up with extreme stress, panic attacks. I also had desensitization in various parts. I really thought my life was coming to an end. Around that time I was actually talking to an out of network PFT, one that did dry needling, electric stim, cupping, myofascial release, etc. I did about 6 sessions and it did get me out of extreme pain. At least Id like to believe it. I can sit again, but long sitting sessions in planes/cars definitely get to me a little. While I was bed bound I was doing a lot of research and came upon TMS. So at the same time I was learning about it.
Fast forward to now, I'm a lot better then I was. I still feel extreme tension in my hips, pelvic floor. Coccyx pain. I still have incomplete evacuation and deal with the embarrassing symptoms. I still get a sense of panic from time to time and deal with a feeling of 'drunkenness'. One that gets worse at night. I find that before this incidence I had Restless legs syndrome, that is back. I feel like my feet burn at night, pins/needles, itchiness, etc, that goes away during the day.
Conclusion
I Feel like the symptoms before my accident were highly related to TMS. Ive heard a lot of success stories where people had similar symptoms related to pelvic pain, lower back pain, etc. but I always try to compare and find someone that had the 'disgusting' symptoms I have. I know I shouldn't. I guess after my incident I don't know where to go from here. I hope that I can get my nervous system to a state where I don't hold tension. But also wonder if I need to go back to a psychotherapy and dig deeper to what Ive been through. A lot of these coaches state that fear is what holds the symptoms and while I get it, its really hard to have these sensitive pelvic floor symptoms which hold a lot of stigma and live my life without fear. Its hard to be myself when other people might be offended by me being around. TBH When I would get drunk and be in public I actually had minimal symptoms, it felt like my muscles would be at ease and I could just chill out. Also I remember being on Xanax for my graduation and there was just a huge bliss. I didn't feel my symptoms. But that of course is not the answer. My symptoms are definitely worse in public, or walking around after a while. I could not feel tension in my hips in bed, but once I start trying to live my life I feel it. Even just standing or walking around the mall. They are worse when I can't evacuate completely.
Sorry that this was such a long post. I would appreciate anyones support/advice that managed to read through this. I'm trying to remain positive and learning a lot about TMS. Like many people that have pain or symptoms this is my last resort to try and live a life I never had.
