Day 8 painful feelings

[deborah a burns]

After 8 serious days of self talk in working the SEP... up come the feelings. It's nothing new but, it seems like it is at the time and it's emotionally painful. Talked with my therapist.
Birthday coming up, abuser's birthday day before mine so I'm being mindful of that. No wonder my back hurt. I had the most intense dreams too. I'm writing it down going swimming and then to a early movie. This in some ways seems so narcissistic cuz I'm usually the person to help others out, so talking about myself and not having any energy to help others seems weird. Monumental thanks for this site!!!!

 

[BruceMC]

At least you're mindful enough to recognize the correlation between your birthday and the birthday of your abuser and the onset of your TMS pain symptoms. I didn't realize myself why I came down with a 'cold' last March 9th until I remembered that March 9th was the exact same day that my father died in 1997. Freud said that dreams were the 'royal road to the unconscious' and that's because the symbols in dreams provide the key to understanding the sometimes quirky laws that govern the operation of emotions repressed into the unconscious where they continuously try to break out and surface in the rational world. You're tapping into that reservoir of repressed emotions when you work the SEP, bringing them into the clear light of day. Of course, that's one way to eliminate the power they have over you, your behavior and your TMS pain. Glad that this site seems to be proving so helpful to you and so many others!

 

[Forest]

As MorComm mentioned it is great that you were able to see that correlation. Identifying these correlations are one of the hardest parts of recovering from TMS, and it sounds like you are really starting to put things together.

This in some ways seems so narcissistic cuz I'm usually the person to help others out, so talking about myself and not having any energy to help others seems weird.

This is a common experience for people with TMS because we are goodist and we put the needs of others ahead of our own. Feeling that you are narcissistic just because you are taking care of your health is really just you TMSing. The key is to understand why you have this feeling when you take care of your own health.

I remember a part in Freedom From Fibromyalgia, that says something along the lines that you need to think of yourself as another person you need to take care of. So often us TMSers ignore our own needs and put all of our energy toward helping other people. Helping others is a great thing to do, but when you ignore your own needs time and time again, it can lead to unconscious rage or anger. Try to treat yourself as you would someone else close to you, and view this time as a period when you need to address your own health.

 

[BruceMC]

Interesting how easy it is to confuse narcissism with goodism, especially if you haven't learned yet how to be really mindful. Before doing the SEP and Schubiner's book, I always thought that I was an alienated selfish loner narcissist in the late 19th century intellectual mode. However, I realized recently that that was really a pose. What I was actually doing was being a 'goodist' taking on the burden of caring for my parents for a good 50 years and suffering like a good T-type personality to hold them together through a series of accomplishments and awards. Interesting the psychological inversion we discover when we look at these things for a distance! The perfect good son martyring himself to his self-absorbed completely selfish parents. Understanding your TMS does have a way of giving you new perspectives on things that once seemed so obvious, but were in fact much more paradoxical than you realized at the time.

 

[deborah a burns]

"Thanks for all the great feed back. every day a little bit better

 

[movingcloud]

I'm on day 8 like you. I am having vivid dreams. My sleep is much better, though the pain does still filter into the dream situations.
I think we're changing ourselves and we'll be pain free one day!

 

[BruceMC]

My experience with the SEP correlates with yours, Deborah and Movingcloud. It was during the first week of the SEP that I started waking up in the night with free-floating anxiety attacks that also started happening during the day too. I'd say, based on my own experience, that what you two are experiencing is actually an indication that you're getting close to your repressed emotions, like rage, sorrow and fear. What I noticed came next was a sense that the quality of my consciousness was changing in some fundamental way and I was starting to relax without always having to push myself moment to moment to keep achieving some thing or other. I think that was an indication that I was starting to deprogram/reprogram myself in such a way that I began to stop obsessing with my TMS pain symptoms. Would be interesting to hear what you experience next to see if it correlates with my own. Really sounds like you're both on the 'path'. All the best!

 

[deborah a burns]

Thanks for the feedback. I just went through one of the hardest weeks in many years. Some repressed memories, and of course the anxiety/TMS moved to my head..I had such a bad headache I had to leave work. That night I woke up after having a very distinct memory I was sick for a few days afterward. I really should've checked in but instead I checked out and took a break. I did however continue to use my TMS mantra's
It 's clear I have a lot of work to do. If there's no chaos moment to moment what do I do? I'm gaining some perspective on self talk and how important it is. I can relate to the free floating anxiety. Change can be a challenge that's for sure. Thank you so much for your input. Much appreciated.

 

[Lori]

Hi Deborah. There is nothing wrong with taking a break when we feel we need one. It is also important though to address the memories that have come up. How about writing about the feelings that have come up?

I have uncovered some past memories and felt ill the next day too so I know what you mean.

It seems you are accustomed to chaos; I think sometimes we do get addicted to drama. it's nice to enjoy life without drama sometimes too.

Warm wishes and I'm glad you're reaching out for support.

-Lori

 

[deborah a burns]

Thanks Lori, I hear you about the addiction word. The culture is addictive as a whole. I do go to alanon and work on those issues very hard. I've addressed the memories with people I trust and did write them down as I have for the past 15 years. It's all a process. Thanks for your input it really helps me put things in perspective