Thanks Bruce, I am glad to hear that your history compares to mine. You're right, I don't really like to hear when people say that it takes years or is a life long process, but I guess that real change always is. It is frustrating to hear that some people heal in a few weeks or even a year and to not know what my healing will look like, but at times I am OK with it and other times it is more difficult to mentally bear. I think that I really do understand the dynamic of it being about obsessive thoughts and healing meaning an end to this. I can see that is when life opens up. Over the past year I have become more physically and psychologically symptomatic, but this has corresponded with an opening to the realization that it just feels like there is something greater all around me. This comes and goes, but seems to be growing. Sometimes I wonder if I can really stand the symptoms and the loss of function that it brings, but I do see that it is challenging me to develop a more compassionate mindset. I then sometimes wonder if I am a vessel capable of making the changes and holding the light, but as my therapist would say, that is just a fear thought taking away compassion and trying to hold me down. The more that I contemplate these things the more I can see that my a lot of my anger and frustration through my life has really been a reaction to what my mind is doing to me that holds no value and keeps me down rather than a reaction to the external world (although that remains difficult for me to deal with as well - social anxiety and the like).
I also have a
very obsessive mind which does not want to give up its hold. I can feel its energy in the background like a lump of heavy coal whenever I look closely. Almost as though the looking requires the exact kind of energy that is keeping me stuck. I believe that there must be another consciousness to tap into for discernment which flows through the sense of "that which is greater than me." Some people would call it God, I guess, but I wasn't brought up that way. I think that Steve often just refers to it as light or truth. Maybe it is just called peace. What a challenge!
The idea of progressively pushing myself is difficult. Dr. Sarno stated that people should start pushing themselves physically once they have a fair amount of confidence in their TMS diagnosis. But, of course that must naturally be subjective. No one can tell me when to do this, I suppose, or to what degree. I mean, my TMS doc said I could go for a 10 mile run if I want to, but the idea of putting my feet through that does not sound possible to me. I have tried starting a routine of exercises that involve stretching parts of my body that I have heavily babied for years and so far it has gone OK (pain, but bearable). In the back of my mind, though, I fear the pain coming into my testicle that in the past felt like someone was flicking it every second for minutes at a time (I think most guys would shivers from this image!). So far I am forging ahead, and trying to notice the background thoughts that I will be stopped in my tracks. I hope to one day too be rid of my obsessive mindset. I think that would feel like heaven opened it's gates to me
P.S. 1) Did you always continue to exercise even though you were having persistent pain? Is it necessary to do this to break through TMS?
2) Is it possible to work through some pains while having a difficult time letting go of others? (My headaches and head pain lock my attention so strongly
).
3) Is a good part of the healing, in addition to the mental changes, simply a matter of muscles learning to work correctly again through loosening, strengthening and simple activity? (Though like you said this would not be enough by itself - I mean, they would be tense from the mind dynamics while working which may have led to a lot or my ills in the first place).
I know that is a lot, but thanks a lot. I feel like I am heading out on the TMS healing highway!
