Day 15 Pain moving around

[plt4life]

At the very beginning of this program/reading HBP, my pain shifted from my upper back and neck to my left shoulder. A little before this, I did a very challenging bike ride, that was hours of my shoulder hurting. In the past few days/week, The shoulder pain has diminished, and I am feeling it more in the usual upper back. This corresponds with my new, ergonomic dental loupes getting damaged on Monday, and having to use my old "non ergonomic" loupes. I will have to send them back, and that will take 2-3 weeks.

The return of the familiar upper back pain is a bummer, but I do feel like I have become more convinced of the psychological cause of my pain. I know that the TMS world generally looks down at "ergonomic" solutions/products, but I do think that thees loupes are pretty great. I can look almost horizontal, with my head upright and see teeth while I'm working. I do believe in the psychological cause of my pain, but I also think that
I have some legitimate physical contributions that are challenging- the actual work of dentistry.

In the past 24 hours, I was very stressed and angry about the upcoming purchase of 50% of the building I rent. The AC units broke yesterday, and my former dental partner is refusing to pay for them before he sells me his share of the building on Tuesday. I know what this is one of the major factors in my pain today, and I have been talking about it a lot today, but I don't think in a healthy way. I have been perpetuating the anger, but not acknowledging it, and letting go. Today's journaling activity was a dialogue with someone that is upsetting you. I chose that previously mentioned partner, and used a line or two from our actual conversation and went from there. I didn't commit to the dialogue format, but I felt good about writing about it. At first it was more of the anger and stuff I DIDN"T say, but then it transitioned into more of what I am learning from this, and how I want to be better, and what I am angry about with my partner, are traits that I dislike in myself.
I think the biggest determining factor for my success will be if I can commit to spending time each day, with acknowledging my feelings, and letting go of the stress and repressed emotions. I fill up the time I can and should be using for this, with screen time. It is avoidance! I am working on cutting down on the screen time, and the avoidance. It is hard! But I want to keep getting better.
Thanks.

 

[Baseball65]

I have some legitimate physical contributions that are challenging- the actual work of dentistry.

Nope.
It's just part of the deal.
First, you are so much like me in the way you process stuff, I am gonna assume we are similar....Very similar. I have just been doing this longer, so I have bullshitted myself and then discovered the BS via Sarno/Life/Circumstance and observation

I went through all of those beliefs on the way down off 'mis-information mountain" that I learned in the 'Medieval Mythology of the Medical Marvel' that took me to a Chronic pain center in the end.

ERGONOMIC is a BS trigger word for people with TMS...

The conditioning/belief cycle is exacerbated by your profession...I Imagine you have to be a 'nice' guy a lot more than you'd really be if you didn't interact with people all day. I just got a refresher course in that. I was on the verge of a relapse for a few weeks, and I couldn't see why...I was working for a LOT of money in a Toney, fashionable place but around 'the beautiful people' all day long. I was in an air conditioned, pampered little workshop within eye sight of the 'Nice' wealthy people who were employing me....and I was so tense! Couldn't smoke, swear or make off color jokes.
Had to keep my opinions to myself. But the money was amazing! (Tension)

Then..I spent a month ALONE in sweaty 100+ degree backyards doing physically exhausting concrete work that made me dirty, angry and filthy....I didn't bother combing my hair for a month.....and I forgot all about TMS schlepping 60 lb bags of concrete into impossible hillside positions. For less money....Hmmm??

The imperative to be a 'nice guy' is the problem. That partner who won't pay his share? You want to beat the crap out of that guy.... He is threatening your livelihood by pressuring you finacially

I have been talking about it a lot today, but I don't think in a healthy way.

Have you fantasized about harming him? I would... I have learned with TMS that the closer I am to the cave man Food/fight/breed ethic I remain, the less TMS I have ....and when I am forced into pleasant society, no matter how good the circumstances, I always start having warning symptoms (tension)...Time has taught me it has little to do with the physical activity in which I am involved. Ergonomics? I just spent a week hanging over bushes and crawling around muddy ravines.

Talking about stuff isn't what cures us...though it is ok to speak...But to recover and break the conditioning, you have to THINK even worse stuff whenever you catch yourself focusing on the pain.
When I first recovered and read HBP, I had just quit my first 'clean' job as a staff writer for a post production house. A Producer had ripped me off for some money and I was indignant. So, whenever the pain came , I fantasized about crushing his skull with a bat.
I recovered REALLY fast. And NO, I never became violent....but it was actually well worth the money he stole to get better that fast.

The darker, meaner thoughts you can hold about people (as a tool to recovery) the quicker you will get results because it will short circuit the 'Nice guy' imperative. Being a dentist, you might have to do this away from work (LOL)

 

[plt4life]

@Baseball65
At first I thought your assessment was crazy! But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I 100 % agree that I am a "nice guy" and I avoid confrontation, to my detriment. I know that this is a trigger (today's focus in the program, day 16)
I have been finding the journaling exercises to be helpful. I was writing about past experiences and releasing all of my anger I often repressed onto the pages. It felt good. I am still trying to figure out the best way to handle the emotions, and repressed emotions of TMS.
I can understand how engaging with the repressed anger would stop the cycle of TMS symptoms. Would you use a different tactic for different stresses or emotions. The other major emotion I am battling is perfectionism, and shame for not doing something well enough. I was trying to acknowledge emotions in my head, and then "move on", but as I type that, I realize I don't actually know what that means!

 

[Baseball65]

I am still trying to figure out the best way to handle the emotions, and repressed emotions of TMS.

So am I and I have been doing this 25 years or so.... This is where it gets weird. After an initial 'acting out' (Yelling in my Car alone, going to the shooting range, having a rant while I work out alone) I don't HAVE to respond to them...or at least 95% of them. I need to be aware of them.

In a strange way, this is more of an act of creativity. I have to speculate what that knee-jerking 5 year old trapped inside would feel if it ever got to the surface....I only use the ones I am aware of to send a message to my unconscious that I know whats going on, but I usually don't in real time. Every thing I wrote in the above post I figured out AFTER it was over...I can take that learning into my next endeavor as awareness of how I am and how I repress the unlovable parts of myself.

Would you use a different tactic for different stresses or emotions.

For the ones I am aware of, I have made up a few different strategies....nothing too original. most of them are based on Sarno's recommendations in HBP.
Talking to the TMS (or my brain), Yelling at it to 'knock it off' and my most effective...the 'turning your mind to a recurrent source of irritation'

One thing I definitely do is PLAN ahead when I know I am going to be in a TMS provoking situation....going to my ex's house, working in a place that has triggered symptoms in the past, hanging out with particularly mean people, etc.
I can do whatever I want to do, but some people and places require a little more mindfulness.
Re: Sarno said he didn't treat pain...this program is to Prevent it. Today's work prevents tomorrows symptoms.

The other major emotion I am battling is perfectionism, and shame for not doing something well enough.

That hasn't gone away for me...I only have to acknowledge that it makes me ANGRY with other people who are less than perfect, because their work and actions create a lot of anxiety (and symptoms) in me when I pretend to be 'patient'....but the perfectionist is still there..I just know HE's the problem and he makes me angry. At myself and the other person(s).

i am still a Sarno purist. When I begin to look for the anger generators that I have overlooked, the symptoms ALWAYS go away.

At first I thought your assessment was crazy!

I probably am crazy...but acknowledging that has kept me pain free and crazy (LOL)

 

[plt4life]

Re: Sarno said he didn't treat pain...this program is to Prevent it. Today's work prevents tomorrows symptoms.

Thanks for that, I think that is helpful. I need to read Healing Back Pain again, or at least the treatment portion of it.

I have to speculate what that knee-jerking 5 year old trapped inside would feel if it ever got to the surface

I will start thinking about this more. I don't remember if that was in HBP, but the "5 year old inside me" came up in today's lesson. I was journaling tonight about my sense of insecurity, which has pestered me for most of my life. I think it has to be rooted in being bullied in middle school, and from then on, always having a sense of not being good enough, etc. Imagining how I would react to life now, as a child, before all of that bullshit occurred, is helpful.