Hi, Lily Rose.
I'm surprised the vodka/Kahlua/milk drink didn't keep you awake. It does sound good, but alcohol before bedtime is supposed to work against sleep. I like a beer, glass of wine, or a manhattan or margarita before or with dinner,
but just one. It's at about 6 pm and I hit the sack about 10 pm. No problem sleeping.
My Uncle Stash was a heavy drinker and slept like a baby. So who knows? Different strokes for different folks.
Alcohol knocks me out. It is the only 'drug' that fully relaxes me and allows my carefully controlled barriers to unclench. For this reason, I rarely had any alcohol in public, and
never if there was any chance I would be driving. I always disliked drinking with others, because it left me vulnerable, thus I preferred my private time, the one drink just before bed, where I could feel safe. It also diminished the nightmares.
I miss the sensation of my mind and muscles simply being free. However, I do not miss the ties that bound me and kept me worried about insuring I always had stock on hand. I do not have an addictive nature, and ending drugs was always a matter of filling in a new ritual. While I can be emotionally dependent, the physical aspect has always been negligible.
The other aspect of ending that relationship came from what I witness around me. While I would self-medicate with control, too many others drown in their self-medication. I feared, perhaps unreasonably, that I would cross that line.
My daily pain is more intense without this particular drug. This is the choice I made, and I will continue on this path. When I make the decision to commit, it is fully. This is why it takes me a great deal of time to come to commitment decisions. It is not fear of commitment .... it is awareness that once I step off the cliff, I must be ready to fly.
with grace and gratitude,
^_^