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Pain In The Moneymaker

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by donavanf, Dec 11, 2016.

  1. donavanf

    donavanf Well known member

    I wondered if anyone had any pointers on how to "de-condition" myself to my computer chair? I'm a photographer, my TMS manifests as horrible upper back pain and muscular spasm right between my shoulder blades that extends into my right shoulder, right arm socket and sometimes my neck. I'm about 80% recovered, and have been for a YEAR. Confirmed TMS, from a TMS doc, but my BIGGEST trigger (alongside of shooting with my camera for hours) is sitting in my chair and doing PhotoShop, which much like picking up my camera, I used to love (and now hate) as a result of being in PAIN as I do it...and for hours after, even if I just work for a few minutes. It's SLIGHTLY better than it used to be, but it HURTS and fuels me feeling very angry and depressed. I earn my income with my camera, and by sitting in this chair and it feels as if TMS "knows" where it can scare me. Right in my shoulders and neck, which are the VERY places I earn my living. TMS hits me in the very places I need to live! As for the chair, it cannot be the chair. Here's my proof. My computer chair is just like driving, and it doesn't hurt to drive, but it USED to! For a long time, I could not drive anywhere without pain, then I got a new car and the pain vanished overnight. No more pain from driving. I thought maybe it was because I got better seats (brand new Honda civic vs old VW Passat) but then I realized, I actually LOVE driving now, because I love my new car! How do I fall in love again with the things that hurt, namely, photographing and editing photos? I've tried saying "yes" to the pain, ignoring it, journaling, you name it. But it remains. It remains. And it sucks.
     
  2. Ellen

    Ellen Beloved Grand Eagle

  3. MWsunin12

    MWsunin12 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi Donavan,

    First, I think it's difficult to grow up the child of a very public person. Whether there was mistreatment, or not, it was still a lot of pressure and expectation for you.

    Next, I don't know if this helps, but…psychologically, I look at the "placement" of my pain and how that correlates with incidents or experiences of my past. For example, considering that your pain starts in your upper back, I would ask you if there was someone professionally who "stabbed you in the back," or do you feel like things are going on behind your back, or any other metaphor.

    My TMS is always in the area of my professional life, too. I don't know if you've heard of Louise Hay, but you could google her. She has a book that coordinates symptoms with possible psychological reasons. Interesting.

    I wish you well.

    Marcia
     
    donavanf likes this.
  4. donavanf

    donavanf Well known member

    I hesitate to say this because of the fact that my dad is indeed a famous person, but it's basically public knowledge at this point. When I was 30, a few months after the death of my mother, my father "stabbed me in the back" when he estranged himself from me and my sister, and his granddaughter, married a younger woman, and literally disappeared out of our lives entirely. I lost both my mother (to cancer, with closure) and my father (to a stalker, with no closure). He was the best dad imaginable, but when my mother died, he unraveled and literally married a predator, who kept him from us, dug up my mom's grave and did untold horrible things to my father, his legacy and his offspring. We never saw him again and he died without me having any closure. Thank you for this. I know who stabbed me in the back. I love my dad, and I forgive him. I'm very angry, but I have to forgive him. Her, I have a hard time with. And due to the public status of his persona, I keep getting "triggered", again and again. Just this last week, she auctioned off all his personal items, including his medals from his time in WWII, his creative items such as his typewriter and passport, scrapbooks, etc. Just thinking about it while sitting still brings the pain in my back. I have a lot of healing to do, and I know that I have to take the own knife of betrayal out of my back, with forgiveness, prayer, and remembering that he was a marvelous dad when he was, which he was, for nearly three decades of my life. Thank you for helping me realize that I have indeed been "stabbed in the back" and only I can remove the knife, because God rest his soul, the man who stabbed me there, my own father, is dead. Wow. That is some heavy stuff. No WONDER my shoulders feel like I am carrying 200 pounds of anger. I am.
     
  5. Sacha O.

    Sacha O. Peer Supporter

    Hello Donavan,
    Right now, I have 0% pain. I wish I could tell you how it happened, but I don't know. I have been stuck at 80% for a while : it was better, but I was still feeling some pain and stiffness.
    I worked hard to decondition (?) myself from feeling pain during computer work. Each step took time. For example, a few weeks ago, I tried to use my mouse again, after nearly one year. I started to feel pain immediatly, but it vanished after a week. Why ? I don't know.
    Recently, I have been under a lot of stress. But I don't feel any pain. I don't get it, but it's ok. And if the pain comes back again, it's still going to be ok. I am not afraid anymore.
    While I was still dealing with pain, I was always searching for tricks on this forum. One day, I decided to stop. It was hard, to force myself not to come here, to read threads. But just after that, the pain went away.
    However, I am stressed and anxious to the max ! So yeah, I have still work to do. But I can draw. And that's all I want.
    I don't have any answers for you, but I hope this will give you some hope.
    Take care.
     

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