I am in despair. I originally hurt my back in October of 2015 and was in pain and agony for over 7 months before I found a post on TMS and started reading up on it. I would say I have been suffering from it for years, pain manifesting in different places and finally in my back, ever so impossible to ignore. My whole life collapsed in on itself. I couldn't work, I couldn't go and be social, I felt horrible and I was constantly hurting, always so distracted by the pain and how uncomfortable I was. And then I got better. I read Sarno's book and followed the TMS recovery program (though only to day 9, so easy to fall off the bandwagon when you think you don't need it anymore). I recovered. Within 3 weeks I was 85% normal. I was running again, I would play basketball and go swimming. It took a lot of work and it was uncomfortable forcing myself to do things through the pain, but I did them anyway. I changed my mind set. I knew that what I was experiencing was only a by product of all the anger and emotions that I'd tried so hard to tuck away without notice. I went back to work, I took a promotion to a management position. I could exercise regularly again. I could go out with friends and be a human being who existed in the world again! It was amazing! And for 7 glorious weeks I had full control of my body! Until 3 weeks ago. I am a mold maker and one of my staff couldn't make it so I picked up her work, which meant lifting and leaning over a table for hours in the day. I could feel it taking a toll on my body and I felt sore after 10 hours of work, but still ok. Immediately after work I got in a car for 7 hours to go camping. It was a loooong ride. The next morning my back felt off a little. On top of this, I had had an issue with one of my employees at work, and I could really feel the stress that was weighing on me as a new manager. It was really uncomfortable. It is not fun to have people dislike you at work, and ignore you. Especially someone who you previously considered a friend. And now to be discussing with your bosses whether or not we should fire the guy, which I think would be better for the company. It is not fun having to let people go. I ruminated over that over the weekend, I felt like I had let myself down when I confronted him about it. The more I thought over the conversation, the more I realized I should have stood up for myself and to him about what he was complaining about. It was frustrating. Anyhow, I came back to work the next week and the back pain continued to ebb further into my consciousness. It got worse again that weekend, but was ok on the Monday when I returned to work Tuesday it was fine right until the end of the day. I picked something up to work on it and I felt a slight twinge on my lower left side. I ignored it, came home and made dinner. After which it only felt worse. I thought back to my safe thoughts, that the pain was only due to emotional turmoil in my head, that it was caused by a lack of oxygen to the muscles, that I was not afraid of the pain. But I am so desperately afraid of it. Afraid of it and what it could possibly bring. I know that the pain is only exacerbated by thinking about it, but I can't not. I'm supposed to leave town tomorrow, on a trip that I planned with some friends. They took time off work, I want to go, I don't want to cancel. I don't want to let them down. I want to go and have fun! But I am ever so afraid that I will go and be in pain and agony, and that it will have been a huge mistake to go. Yet part of me is also like no, don't let the pain control your life, you have to do things that you want. Yet I also am worried that perhaps it is a physical thing. It only hurts on the right side, and I specifically felt it tweak when I moved, and the pain hasn't radiated elsewhere like it used to do before. I feel horrible. I just wish I could sleep, and hope that when I wake up it will feel better than it does right now. Thank you for reading, it felt good getting all of that out.