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Pain has returned after 7 glorious weeks

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by ringette18, Jul 14, 2016.

  1. ringette18

    ringette18 Newcomer

    I am in despair.

    I originally hurt my back in October of 2015 and was in pain and agony for over 7 months before I found a post on TMS and started reading up on it. I would say I have been suffering from it for years, pain manifesting in different places and finally in my back, ever so impossible to ignore. My whole life collapsed in on itself. I couldn't work, I couldn't go and be social, I felt horrible and I was constantly hurting, always so distracted by the pain and how uncomfortable I was.

    And then I got better. I read Sarno's book and followed the TMS recovery program (though only to day 9, so easy to fall off the bandwagon when you think you don't need it anymore). I recovered. Within 3 weeks I was 85% normal. I was running again, I would play basketball and go swimming. It took a lot of work and it was uncomfortable forcing myself to do things through the pain, but I did them anyway. I changed my mind set. I knew that what I was experiencing was only a by product of all the anger and emotions that I'd tried so hard to tuck away without notice.

    I went back to work, I took a promotion to a management position. I could exercise regularly again. I could go out with friends and be a human being who existed in the world again! It was amazing! And for 7 glorious weeks I had full control of my body!

    Until 3 weeks ago. I am a mold maker and one of my staff couldn't make it so I picked up her work, which meant lifting and leaning over a table for hours in the day. I could feel it taking a toll on my body and I felt sore after 10 hours of work, but still ok. Immediately after work I got in a car for 7 hours to go camping. It was a loooong ride. The next morning my back felt off a little. On top of this, I had had an issue with one of my employees at work, and I could really feel the stress that was weighing on me as a new manager. It was really uncomfortable. It is not fun to have people dislike you at work, and ignore you. Especially someone who you previously considered a friend. And now to be discussing with your bosses whether or not we should fire the guy, which I think would be better for the company. It is not fun having to let people go.

    I ruminated over that over the weekend, I felt like I had let myself down when I confronted him about it. The more I thought over the conversation, the more I realized I should have stood up for myself and to him about what he was complaining about. It was frustrating.

    Anyhow, I came back to work the next week and the back pain continued to ebb further into my consciousness. It got worse again that weekend, but was ok on the Monday when I returned to work Tuesday it was fine right until the end of the day. I picked something up to work on it and I felt a slight twinge on my lower left side. I ignored it, came home and made dinner. After which it only felt worse. I thought back to my safe thoughts, that the pain was only due to emotional turmoil in my head, that it was caused by a lack of oxygen to the muscles, that I was not afraid of the pain.

    But I am so desperately afraid of it. Afraid of it and what it could possibly bring. I know that the pain is only exacerbated by thinking about it, but I can't not. I'm supposed to leave town tomorrow, on a trip that I planned with some friends. They took time off work, I want to go, I don't want to cancel. I don't want to let them down. I want to go and have fun! But I am ever so afraid that I will go and be in pain and agony, and that it will have been a huge mistake to go. Yet part of me is also like no, don't let the pain control your life, you have to do things that you want.

    Yet I also am worried that perhaps it is a physical thing. It only hurts on the right side, and I specifically felt it tweak when I moved, and the pain hasn't radiated elsewhere like it used to do before.

    I feel horrible. I just wish I could sleep, and hope that when I wake up it will feel better than it does right now.

    Thank you for reading, it felt good getting all of that out.
  2. TG957

    TG957 Beloved Grand Eagle

    Ringette, everything you said about your situation points at TMS. Remember, TMS will never be out of your system completely, it may come back. What Sarno teaches us is to not be afraid of pain and use his tools to get it out of your mind, because mind is where it resides. Your fear, and fear alone, is what is driving the pain levels higher and higher. Let me ask you: do you meditate? Do you journal? Do you think and write about emotional underpinnings of your fear and pain? The fear of your trip may be bullying you by means of increased pain. 2 months ago, I went on the trip that I was fearful of due to my condition. Day 1 I was in great pain, by day 3 I was almost pain-free and very very happy that I took the risk. Meditate, talk to your fear, tell it that you are not afraid - and have fun with your friends!
    Ftaghn! likes this.
  3. intense50

    intense50 Well known member

    I had the same was feeling great and did the work. Went and played hockey and the pain came back its tms hanging on. Looking for a excuse. Your on the right track keep the faith.

    My trick is journaling it helps me a lot. When I get bouts of anxiety or anger I patiently let be and ride it out knowing it will go and it does.
  4. ringette18

    ringette18 Newcomer

    Thanks TG597,

    I read your response right before I lost cell service, and it really helped. So much fear overtakes me. I was conscious of that all weekend, and it was really quite painful, but I refused to let it prevent me from doing what I wanted. The pain improved on Saturday, but then came back Sunday morning right before we drove home. I think it had to do with me thinking about work that morning.

    I will take yours and intense50's advice and start journaling. I used to do it a lot, but have stopped in the last three years. I have never tried meditating but am open to it. I'm working on not leTting the fear and the pain control my life, and I think I am succeeding, even if I still hurt.

    Thank you both for the support! It means a lot
  5. Gigi

    Gigi Well known member

    First of all, congrats on 7 weeks of pain-free living! What a gift.
    Yes, the subC is crafty, and will continue to seek ways to get your attention through pain. But you can DO this, ringette! You've done it before!
    When fear threatens to overcome me, I look in the mirror and tell my subC, "Bring it on! I know what you're doing, and it's not helpful, but I'm not afraid of he pain."
    It works for me.
    When you get a chance, after this bout of pain subsides, I'd suggest returning to the SEP. Lots of good stuff there.

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