"But for the Grace of God go I".... I was reluctant to write a success story because the longer I am sober , which is 12 years, the less I want to take any credit for it, but I truly truly find a strong parallel with the symptoms of Tms and alcoholism since I believe they are both fear based dis-eases that center in the mind and if left untreated create all types of pain and suffering.
I had drifted away from the program and meetings which at the good ones are a place where we talk about fears , resentments doubts emotions changes stress love hate sadness and so on and so on... See,, I had started to have success in my business, real success for the first time. Along with that my girlfriend moved in with me and I was reaching goals with material and worldly things that had been the constant obsession of my life and were supposedly in my mind going to "fix " everything. Haha what a beautiful illusion.
I vividly remember coming back from a trip from San Fran and having a quick flash of panic in my mind...thoughts as fast as torpedoes racing to find "things" and "events" to make me happy , and each torpedo attempted to Land on that event in my head but quickly crumbled and no happiness was found. I paced for a bit and shook it off and somehow pushed it out of my mind ...so I thought haha. Days later the tinnitus came and I mean strong, waking me up out my sleep; and so that horrific obsession and non sleeping constant googling thousands on doctors and herbal remedies began. Thus doing it's exact job to keep me focused on anything but what was laying underneath .... Which was - An untreated Alcoholic mind -100 forms of fear based self centered thoughts running the show igniting powerfully sad and hopeless emotions. What made it worse is that this was supposed to be the time I was shining with damn background music playing in the background as I walked lol!
I was able to mask the tinnitus finally with a piece that I composed , I am a music producer and finally said I can match this pitch with soothing sounds ; as well as I received help from a device that was made for me to sleep and my mind started to slowly shift away from the tinnitus. I thought I was free ... But a dis-eased mind can't see when it's in the disease. ; ) Two months went by and I was working out a lot feeling good pushing myself completely focused on the outside lol.. Vanity is a killer . What do you know? A pain started in my jaw. What is this ? Tmj? Am I working out poorly etc etc. ? And so the obsession began. Let me say this as loud as I can.. I never had a high threshold for pain and I am a fixer period,, a solution addict that's impatient and wants results right away , perfect traits to spark the TMS. lol what do u do? So my doctor and dentist hunting began,, my workouts stopped, my gum chewing stopped my eating changed , my mouth devices began, more money was spent , my mind woke up in the morning thinking right away about my jaw and monitoring it (self obsessed ) all day long. It became about my teeth shifting or this pain will never go away (the never-isms I call them ) ha the lies the mind will tell you ... However I couldn't see it, all I could see was the fear that I would live with pain in my jaw for the rest of my life and what would that mean about ME! ; and by focusing on this delusion - future -based fear of "the rest of my life" I had actually stopped living my real life. Bingo !TMS is doing it's job. I said screw it and went to the best doctor in the country at cedar Sinai hospital, he was a tmj specialist! Lol While I was there I had an MRI that I had months ago for the tinnitus which I never opened !! When the doc came in and opened the MRI he and I saw some stuff (nonsense) about my neck . He did ask me "what's going at home" to give him some credit but then put the focus on my neck and jaw , wrote out a specific treatment plan of therapy etc etc reinforcing the Dis-eased fears in my mind and sent me on my way.
Next day guess what? I have neck pain, what do u know? Lol. Now I used to get these neck spasms in my 20s every so often and was told it's because I'm a music producer looking over equipment for hours and I have a minor bulge in my c5c6 blah blah fucking blah and I believed it. I babied my neck due to that for many years so when this new diagnosis came in, it poured gasoline on the fire and I was off to the races of obsession once again; never once asking myself what is going on emotionally or mentally and thus ultimately spiritually ! This blows my mind for the simple fact that after going to AA mtgs for 12 years I couldn't see the correlation , NOPE!
For the next 4 months I tried everything , I mean everything I will spend and do whatever it takes to feel the way I think I'm suppose to feel... That was my attitude ,, I was close to going to a shaman healer in Ecuador ! little did I know that my thinking was the problem. Nothing worked. It got worse , I got angry, depressed defeated I would storm out of physical therapy offices stupid yoga classes training sessions they all pissed me off (RAGE). My relationship was suffering , my moods were horrible , in was afraid of anything and to top it off I was afraid to make music which had been my passion since I was a kid and now my career .. And one that has blessed me well. The truth is my perception had gotten so skewed that I was full of rage but had no clue, I just focused on my neck being constantly stiff and how my "life" was potentially over. TMS at it's damn best.
My best friend saw me at my lowest one day he says and went to church that night and seriously prayed for me. I truly believe that his prayer intuitively guided me to go on a certain facebook thread which I brought me to " thank you sarno ". Wtf was this I was thinking ? I started reading and reading and reading and researching and you tubing and literally started tearing up full of hope anger frustration and shock that hit me to my core. "Repressed damn emotions" I said. I grabbed a pen and started writing a resentment list AA stuff and writing and writing and reading. I became blown away about this theory,, I had hope for the first time in months (which I know is short compared to some of you and my heart goes out to you all who go years before stumbling across Sarno and TMS).
I'm blessed to live in La and by the grace of God found Alan Gordon and called him ,, he's the real deal and called me back immediately full of compassion and empathy and set me up with a counselor in the pain psychology center Daniel Lyman. I was also able to see Dr Schechter and he confirmed my TMS. I started my sessions right away with Daniel. The first session I literally walked in and started sobbing. Years of repressed resentments fears emotions worries doubts anger came pouring out. I am grateful to Dan for having an aura about him that made me fell not judged at ALL and aloud me to be real for the first time in awhile. I read and completed "Scott Brady pain free for life", As well as the structured program on the TMS site. I wrote and journaled for months every morning. I literally cried screamed And laughed at myself crying every morning I knew I was healing. I started to slowly get back in the gym(sometime still wearing pain patches). My pain was fading and the focus was shifting to it's root - in the mind and emotions. I had 95 pcnt embraced the program and guess what - the pain would move to hip to my back etc and that's when I started to laugh and almost make fun of it knowing it was showing it's hand. I started running ,lifting heavier , boxing anything , completely challenging the pain. I read Steve O book as well as Howard shubiner's book and continued journaling day after day.
Here came the Anxiety and sadness -the root of the problem, what I now call untreated alcoholism which is a fear based mind that will tell me things are not ok and will try it's best to keep me out of the present moment thus keeping me in the future of worry or the past of guilt and ultimately creating suffering. It was like I was a newcomer again , I had been so focused on my body and outer that I had forgotten this disease that I had gotten sober from 12 years ago. I was a wreck and sometimes actually did wish back the pain to get me out of my head. Lol.
Recovery again-
I knew what I had to do! Get back involved in AA and the program and reconnect with the spiritual way of life which is achieved thru the 12 steps being applied everyday (right now). I started relentlessly back with a program of action. Upon awakening,immediate prayer asking for God to direct my thinking , to protect my thoughts, to remove me from the bondage of SELF to help me to help others to remove any obsessive thoughts! And then I meditate for 20 minutes focusing on numbers as I breath. (Mediation has now become my favorite part of the morning)! This is all before I get out of bed every morning, because I truly believe the disease of FEAR , or ALCOHOLISM lives in me and needs to be treated daily otherwise it will manifest itself into something- ( alcohol , drugs , pain , shopping whatever). I now am back going to meetings -mostly men's meetings -everyday and I'm grateful to have a place to go and share what's going on and to be around others going thru the same struggles or living with the same "mind" ! I now am 100 pcnt pain free and when a little cringe or stiffness appears , I laugh literally and just shake my head , and go on about my day and it goes away - just like Daniel told me it would. (I used to literally want to punch him when he would say "just don't care about it and it will fade) lol.
Today I get to live out these principles taught to me in AA and through that connect with a higher power whom I call GOD. Through that I tap into a power which allows me to to pull the curtain and see the Dis-ease that centers in my mind for what it really is; A LIE. A LIE that tries to talk to you in your own voice and tells you "you'll never be happy and ultimately "Scare the shit out of You". Thank you GOD for TMS which ultimately brought me back closer to You!, and Thank you to the TMS community and support as well. GOD BLESS
I had drifted away from the program and meetings which at the good ones are a place where we talk about fears , resentments doubts emotions changes stress love hate sadness and so on and so on... See,, I had started to have success in my business, real success for the first time. Along with that my girlfriend moved in with me and I was reaching goals with material and worldly things that had been the constant obsession of my life and were supposedly in my mind going to "fix " everything. Haha what a beautiful illusion.
I vividly remember coming back from a trip from San Fran and having a quick flash of panic in my mind...thoughts as fast as torpedoes racing to find "things" and "events" to make me happy , and each torpedo attempted to Land on that event in my head but quickly crumbled and no happiness was found. I paced for a bit and shook it off and somehow pushed it out of my mind ...so I thought haha. Days later the tinnitus came and I mean strong, waking me up out my sleep; and so that horrific obsession and non sleeping constant googling thousands on doctors and herbal remedies began. Thus doing it's exact job to keep me focused on anything but what was laying underneath .... Which was - An untreated Alcoholic mind -100 forms of fear based self centered thoughts running the show igniting powerfully sad and hopeless emotions. What made it worse is that this was supposed to be the time I was shining with damn background music playing in the background as I walked lol!
I was able to mask the tinnitus finally with a piece that I composed , I am a music producer and finally said I can match this pitch with soothing sounds ; as well as I received help from a device that was made for me to sleep and my mind started to slowly shift away from the tinnitus. I thought I was free ... But a dis-eased mind can't see when it's in the disease. ; ) Two months went by and I was working out a lot feeling good pushing myself completely focused on the outside lol.. Vanity is a killer . What do you know? A pain started in my jaw. What is this ? Tmj? Am I working out poorly etc etc. ? And so the obsession began. Let me say this as loud as I can.. I never had a high threshold for pain and I am a fixer period,, a solution addict that's impatient and wants results right away , perfect traits to spark the TMS. lol what do u do? So my doctor and dentist hunting began,, my workouts stopped, my gum chewing stopped my eating changed , my mouth devices began, more money was spent , my mind woke up in the morning thinking right away about my jaw and monitoring it (self obsessed ) all day long. It became about my teeth shifting or this pain will never go away (the never-isms I call them ) ha the lies the mind will tell you ... However I couldn't see it, all I could see was the fear that I would live with pain in my jaw for the rest of my life and what would that mean about ME! ; and by focusing on this delusion - future -based fear of "the rest of my life" I had actually stopped living my real life. Bingo !TMS is doing it's job. I said screw it and went to the best doctor in the country at cedar Sinai hospital, he was a tmj specialist! Lol While I was there I had an MRI that I had months ago for the tinnitus which I never opened !! When the doc came in and opened the MRI he and I saw some stuff (nonsense) about my neck . He did ask me "what's going at home" to give him some credit but then put the focus on my neck and jaw , wrote out a specific treatment plan of therapy etc etc reinforcing the Dis-eased fears in my mind and sent me on my way.
Next day guess what? I have neck pain, what do u know? Lol. Now I used to get these neck spasms in my 20s every so often and was told it's because I'm a music producer looking over equipment for hours and I have a minor bulge in my c5c6 blah blah fucking blah and I believed it. I babied my neck due to that for many years so when this new diagnosis came in, it poured gasoline on the fire and I was off to the races of obsession once again; never once asking myself what is going on emotionally or mentally and thus ultimately spiritually ! This blows my mind for the simple fact that after going to AA mtgs for 12 years I couldn't see the correlation , NOPE!
For the next 4 months I tried everything , I mean everything I will spend and do whatever it takes to feel the way I think I'm suppose to feel... That was my attitude ,, I was close to going to a shaman healer in Ecuador ! little did I know that my thinking was the problem. Nothing worked. It got worse , I got angry, depressed defeated I would storm out of physical therapy offices stupid yoga classes training sessions they all pissed me off (RAGE). My relationship was suffering , my moods were horrible , in was afraid of anything and to top it off I was afraid to make music which had been my passion since I was a kid and now my career .. And one that has blessed me well. The truth is my perception had gotten so skewed that I was full of rage but had no clue, I just focused on my neck being constantly stiff and how my "life" was potentially over. TMS at it's damn best.
My best friend saw me at my lowest one day he says and went to church that night and seriously prayed for me. I truly believe that his prayer intuitively guided me to go on a certain facebook thread which I brought me to " thank you sarno ". Wtf was this I was thinking ? I started reading and reading and reading and researching and you tubing and literally started tearing up full of hope anger frustration and shock that hit me to my core. "Repressed damn emotions" I said. I grabbed a pen and started writing a resentment list AA stuff and writing and writing and reading. I became blown away about this theory,, I had hope for the first time in months (which I know is short compared to some of you and my heart goes out to you all who go years before stumbling across Sarno and TMS).
I'm blessed to live in La and by the grace of God found Alan Gordon and called him ,, he's the real deal and called me back immediately full of compassion and empathy and set me up with a counselor in the pain psychology center Daniel Lyman. I was also able to see Dr Schechter and he confirmed my TMS. I started my sessions right away with Daniel. The first session I literally walked in and started sobbing. Years of repressed resentments fears emotions worries doubts anger came pouring out. I am grateful to Dan for having an aura about him that made me fell not judged at ALL and aloud me to be real for the first time in awhile. I read and completed "Scott Brady pain free for life", As well as the structured program on the TMS site. I wrote and journaled for months every morning. I literally cried screamed And laughed at myself crying every morning I knew I was healing. I started to slowly get back in the gym(sometime still wearing pain patches). My pain was fading and the focus was shifting to it's root - in the mind and emotions. I had 95 pcnt embraced the program and guess what - the pain would move to hip to my back etc and that's when I started to laugh and almost make fun of it knowing it was showing it's hand. I started running ,lifting heavier , boxing anything , completely challenging the pain. I read Steve O book as well as Howard shubiner's book and continued journaling day after day.
Here came the Anxiety and sadness -the root of the problem, what I now call untreated alcoholism which is a fear based mind that will tell me things are not ok and will try it's best to keep me out of the present moment thus keeping me in the future of worry or the past of guilt and ultimately creating suffering. It was like I was a newcomer again , I had been so focused on my body and outer that I had forgotten this disease that I had gotten sober from 12 years ago. I was a wreck and sometimes actually did wish back the pain to get me out of my head. Lol.
Recovery again-
I knew what I had to do! Get back involved in AA and the program and reconnect with the spiritual way of life which is achieved thru the 12 steps being applied everyday (right now). I started relentlessly back with a program of action. Upon awakening,immediate prayer asking for God to direct my thinking , to protect my thoughts, to remove me from the bondage of SELF to help me to help others to remove any obsessive thoughts! And then I meditate for 20 minutes focusing on numbers as I breath. (Mediation has now become my favorite part of the morning)! This is all before I get out of bed every morning, because I truly believe the disease of FEAR , or ALCOHOLISM lives in me and needs to be treated daily otherwise it will manifest itself into something- ( alcohol , drugs , pain , shopping whatever). I now am back going to meetings -mostly men's meetings -everyday and I'm grateful to have a place to go and share what's going on and to be around others going thru the same struggles or living with the same "mind" ! I now am 100 pcnt pain free and when a little cringe or stiffness appears , I laugh literally and just shake my head , and go on about my day and it goes away - just like Daniel told me it would. (I used to literally want to punch him when he would say "just don't care about it and it will fade) lol.
Today I get to live out these principles taught to me in AA and through that connect with a higher power whom I call GOD. Through that I tap into a power which allows me to to pull the curtain and see the Dis-ease that centers in my mind for what it really is; A LIE. A LIE that tries to talk to you in your own voice and tells you "you'll never be happy and ultimately "Scare the shit out of You". Thank you GOD for TMS which ultimately brought me back closer to You!, and Thank you to the TMS community and support as well. GOD BLESS
)
