Pain Continues To Return

I have nearly broken down in tears three times in the last five days ...... twice today alone.

I don't know whether it's worse to have the pain still be here over 18 months after discovering TMS or to have it go and then come back, after writing about something usually quite random. It's always something totally random ..... for example I was on a call to my brother last September. The next morning the pain had spread to the top half of the back of my thighs. Finally the day after the pain started, I believed it was that I was jealous of my brother. The pain went away within six hours and has never come back. Am I really jealous of my brother?? No.

I have no idea what to do next.

 

In this matter, you and I are in the same boat. While my father abused me for many years, the responsible adults just watched in silence. One such adult also took advantage of us. There was no sympathy for us. Its been 16 years since I left home, but he is till in my thoughts all the time. I have finally decided to break contact with them, but now I feel empty.

Have you tried limit-setting on your mother? Setting limits would send a message to you mother, as well as to you subconscious mind and the child within you, that you are strong and in control. You can also try reassuring your childhood self and tell him you are the responsible adult he never had.

 

Hi, NIClubber. The fact that your parents paid most of your mortgage is a definite sign that they love you. I would welcome that and stop thinking no one gives a damn about you. If my worst enemy did that for me, I would hug and thank him.

Your parents may have TMS themselves, maybe feeling guilty for bullying you. They seem to be trying to make amends. Let them. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about why they bullied you. Maybe their parents bullied them. Forgive your father and mother. It can bring you peace.

If you don't live near nightlife, to meet people, consider joining a club. Or do some volunteer work. That could also give you a sense of accomplishment.
Help at a senior center or hospital, or an animal shelter.

 

Most people would be happy for someone else to pay their mortgage, but it is just another way for them to exert their lifelong control over me.

Is it vitally important that I learn to forgive them??? Will I not recover without forgiving them???

I am also seriously considering cutting myself off from my mum, maybe not permanently, but certainly only having contact with her for a couple of days a year.

 

Your mother is a control freak, but she has still cares about you. And that is a sign that you can work something out by setting healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries is never popular, and will be hard to implement. But if you do the hard work, you should reap the rewards of a healthier relationship and find much relief from the emotional strain.

Unlike your mum, my father has been milking me since I was 16. The man actually wants me to pay his loans, ah well!

 

I might have to substantially reduce my contact with my mum as she has clearly been the main cause of my horrible symptoms over much of the last 30 years. I am essentially just waiting for her to either insult me or attempt to control me before doing or saying anything. It seems as though I'm in an abusive relationship.

 

Paradoxically (whatever that means) I think my TMS symptoms are actually being caused by the guilty I have in relation to my (former) best friend.