I can’t stop thinking about food and dieting!! So much so that I evaluate everything I eat. I judge every meal, every bite, how every peice of clothing fits, every craving I have. I know how it all started. In adolescence I was heavy into dance but I am not a waif. I am more althletically built. I had constant scrutiny of how my body looked from my dance teachers to most importantly, my father. Everyone would judge what I ate and he’d often say “ that’s not for you. “ I had to be perfect and the best at dance and I thought I wasn’t so I quit. That is the biggest regret of my life. Fast forward to my thirties. Layers and layers of life stress bring on chronic migraines. Eventually, after much research I start migraine diets. Don’t eat this, eat that. I tried everything. For about 5 years I would heavily restrict my food. I was so neurotic about every bite. If I did go off track I would get anxiety and end up with a stupid migraine anyway. Very ironic, I know. Then, I found TMS. Never a doubt in my mind that’s what it was. I found this site and never looked back. I started experimenting with food. A bite of pizza here and sip of my hubbys beer. Before I knew it I could actually eat anything I wanted and it wouldn’t cause a migraine. Sometimes even a whole bottle of wine. Fast forward another 2 years and my migraines are pretty much gone but what creeps up is stupid gastritis. Another food restricting kind of pain. I try everything.. ignoring it.. meds.. I give up coffee.. spicy foods.. homeopathic tablets. It’s tms. It flairs up with stress. It’s just there. I try to not think about it. Fast forward another 2 years.. it’s been a little over 4 years of not restricting my food which means I’ve indulged plenty of times and now I’m over weight and my pains are not gone. I still deal with them they just don’t rule my life. Recently, we’ve moved to another state and I took a work from home position. I’m very lonely and at home A LOT. Like I don’t leave the house for a week at a time. What I do all day is drive myself crazy about food. I over analyze everything about it. I beat myself up so bad. I live with 3 boys who can eat whatever they want so there is always junk to avoid. I watch you tube videos all day about dieting and losing weight. If I don’t do my work out I beat myself up. Today I had anxiety over it followed by yet another migraine. It’s a mix of inner bully, pressure, and perfectionism about food. I can’t find the right balance. Sometimes I just want pizza but I also want to give myself the body I deserve. A healthy body. I can’t do it and it’s killing me. I feel like such a failure. It’s 4 am and I’m balling my eyes out. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I just want to be normal and happy and enjoy my life and I can’t. I over think everything I eat all. The. Time. I know you guys are going to say get a hobby, leave the house and I am I due time. I’ve only been here 3 months and we have no money because of the move. I do try to go on walks but mostly I’m tired and have no energy for anything. Does anyone else go through this? I feel so silly writing and admitting to it but it really, really has so much power over me I just don’t know what to do.