Overhelm and fear - need help

sleepyjay

sleepyjay

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Hey everyone,
I debated for a while if writing here is the right thing to do but my thoughts ran in a corner and i think i need a different perspective to get out.
A little background: i'm a few weeks along in the TMS-journey and i'm already making progress, though my symptoms all remain i'm getting better at outcome independence which widens my range of activity. But i am also still pretty limited, for example: i went jogging a few days ago and didn't feel well for the next few days after and even though i know it's my fear and habitual thougthpatterns i still have inhibitions to run again. Which makes me think it was probably too big of a step to make in this point of my recovery. So yeah i am still stuck making small steps.

Now to the problem: i have a big decision to make, since a friend of mine is getting married in two moths and wants me to attend. This would include a ton of stressors for me since the location is quite a distance away, travel has always been a big fear of mine and it just triggers a lot of my fears and would pose a big challenge, since i have to admit: i never travelled this far alone and never attended a wedding alone.

I am absolutely terrified of this trip but also of disappointing my friend, so i'm freaking out and falling into all the bad habits and TMS-traps again. I know i'm overthinking it but i am also really scared it's too much of a challenge for me at the moment and could potentially set me back again. I just have the feeling it's too big of a step for me, especially since i still struggle with smaller stuff. So i don't know if the metaphorical plunge in cold water would be too much of a shock to me.

Does anyone have any thoughts? I'm just so overhelmed right now i don't even know where to start
 
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Hi @sleepyjay
I have a few suggestions for you.
1) write about your emotions if you do not “feel” them it is ok. Just write.
2) maybe try a list too. The worst that could happen and the best that could happen. This is only about you, not about your friend getting married.
Write down the worst: all your fears and imagination. Look at them for a day or two.
Now look at REALITY outside of you, not thoughts and fears and read this list again. You need to see the fears vs reality. Now make a list of the good things that could happen: how you may feel? What you might get to do there.
There is probably a lot of unnecessary worry, use your reason to let it go.
Now for your running. You did it! So you had a day or two your body and mind tried to pull you back into the old thoughts or feelings. But when you ran you were fine? Take a break, get back to reassuring your brain you are fine and try another challenging thing. I do this every day in small steps and once or twice a week I take a bigger challenge. Often the next day is very hard for me. That is when I am kind to myself: congratulate myself for doing these things, take some rest, maybe do some small special thing you don’t do daily: coffee in the sun on the terrace, or read a good book, walk your dog in the park.. anything! Just as much as you have to conquer fear, you must also open up to joy. This is why you do two lists: one to shut down fear, the other to open up to find enjoyment in yourself and in life.
 
Cactusflower said:
Hi @sleepyjay
I have a few suggestions for you.
1) write about your emotions if you do not “feel” them it is ok. Just write.
2) maybe try a list too. The worst that could happen and the best that could happen. This is only about you, not about your friend getting married.
Write down the worst: all your fears and imagination. Look at them for a day or two.
Now look at REALITY outside of you, not thoughts and fears and read this list again. You need to see the fears vs reality. Now make a list of the good things that could happen: how you may feel? What you might get to do there.
There is probably a lot of unnecessary worry, use your reason to let it go.
Now for your running. You did it! So you had a day or two your body and mind tried to pull you back into the old thoughts or feelings. But when you ran you were fine? Take a break, get back to reassuring your brain you are fine and try another challenging thing. I do this every day in small steps and once or twice a week I take a bigger challenge. Often the next day is very hard for me. That is when I am kind to myself: congratulate myself for doing these things, take some rest, maybe do some small special thing you don’t do daily: coffee in the sun on the terrace, or read a good book, walk your dog in the park.. anything! Just as much as you have to conquer fear, you must also open up to joy. This is why you do two lists: one to shut down fear, the other to open up to find enjoyment in yourself and in life.
Click to expand...

Hi Cactusflower
I already journaled about this a few times, with yesterday being the last time, which led me to write here since i got extremely emotional.
But i will try the lists, though a problem of mine is separating my friend from this (typical goodist personality trait here).

About the jogging: i did get symptoms while running but way more moderate than before (and that i even could run was already a milestone). But you're right, i didn't celebrate my win that much. I'm having a bit of trouble finding joy or even knowing what brings me joy since i didn't really have a life for 10+ years, so rewarding myself is still a bit difficult for me but i'll try
 
@sleepyjay
It all takes time. It takes patience with yourself and kindness. I like that you say “I’ll try”. That is the beginning. Try without pressure. The word I was told is “curiosity” - there is no pressure in curiosity. It is like the wonder of uncovering a mystery in a children’s book. One day after much suffering last year, I was able to climb three flights of stairs to my favorite place to eat and try a new decadent meal. It was a turning point. A few days later colors began to seem brighter. When I want for a walk birds sang louder. I began go smile at passers by and pet their dogs. Sometimes I lay outside and watch the sky get dark and the moon shine against the trees at night or enjoy the lights becoming bright as the sky gets dark in the city. These are the small things teaching me to be joyful again.
 
It is probably a sign that i spend the weekend away from this forum, only to end up here today because i likely pressured myself too much again
:banghead:
Your message is a good reminder to try taking off the pressure again and overall trying to take this healing process a bit easier. So thank you for that :)
 
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