Day 9 On Self Criticism - tiger moms and romantic abuse

[spiritualityscienceslay]

at 7 years old, my mom threw out my berenstain bears books, calling them junk, and told me my brother was reading LOTR at age 5; my dad remembered the sistine chapel from his baby carriage. at 14 years old when i asked my mom for a math tutor, she told me i came from a lineage of genius and there was absolutely no reason why i couldn't figure anything out on my own. I have an asian tiger mother and a phd'd neurotic jewish father. both MIT educated. my grandpa and granduncle have scientifically contributed immensely to the functions of current society.

this engendered messages of never being good enough growing up. i was captain of the basketball/volleyball team. a competitive ballerina and pianist. got almost perfect grades. won school science awards, took all honors classes. i had a vibrant social life, and got voted 'prettiest girl' in my 500 person graduating class. I hate that that's a vector, but let's be real, it is. that award got retracted from print for political reasons. i was never enough.

i unfortunately got roped into an emotionally and physically abusive relationship throughout 4 years of a prestigious higher level education. i clung on to a mantra of advice: 'focus on what you can control'. i realized i could control my own voice of criticism. if i was adequately criticizing myself, there was no room for anyone who 'loved' me to...i thought. it felt great knowing that 'I' was the only one 'I' was allowing to crack the whip. i subconsciously knew that the nausea and dizziness i felt after watching 'the black swan' was probably not a sustainable lifestyle...

i never made room for self love. i confused the concept with narcissism and as a woman, felt socially pressured to be the caretaker in every relationship. I was not taking care of myself.

even now, i admittedly have a hard time writing this post, criticizing myself for using passive voice, sloppy grammar, or trite language. i realize that cutting through all the years of mental scare tissue will take time. but i am committed to a lifelong pursuit of self-compassion.

one step at a time...release release release.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi spiritualityscienceslay,

You have a huge amount of evidence and understanding linking your upbringing and your personality to your TMS condition. This in itself is very powerful, without making huge changes. Simply inquire into "how might my Inner Child feel about __________(this type of self-rejection or self-pushing I am noticing in this moment)." By linking your personality activity to Dr. Sarno's theory, you will ascertain the true cause of your symptoms. Seeing the real cause is not physical, and therefore means no danger, means the symptoms lose their power over time.

i realized i could control my own voice of criticism. if i was adequately criticizing myself, there was no room for anyone who 'loved' me to...i thought. it felt great knowing that 'I' was the only one 'I' was allowing to crack the whip.

This is a powerful insight. I have never heard it put this way exactly, especially the last sentence. There are elements of self-protection and desiring to control your environment. Both understandable.

i realize that cutting through all the years of mental scare tissue will take time. but i am committed to a lifelong pursuit of self-compassion.

one step at a time...release release release.

I say this from the bottom of my heart: Observing what you're doing to yourself will relieve/reduce the activity in time, if you also forgive yourself for having these critical voices. The worst suffering is when we reject ourselves for rejecting ourselves! If you would like a good book on working with the Inner Critic I recommend Brown's Soul Without Shame.

i am committed to a lifelong pursuit of self-compassion.

This is a wonderful devotion to your own freedom and love. When you think about how we are conditioned by our families --- and it is generational, these traits we are given, it is wonderful that we can begin to actually make real change in our own life. We break the chain that we were born into.

I am touched by your post and want to wish you the best.

Andy B

 

[Ellen]

I, too, am touched by your post. It shows a great deal of insight and courage that will serve you well on your TMS recovery journey.

Welcome to the Forum. I look forward to reading your posts in the future. Keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, spirituality. I know where you're coming from about your mother tossing our your favorite books when you were age 7. My mother waited until I went into the army to toss out my collection of 1940s movie magazines and my high school yearbook and other h.s. things. It was hard to forgive her for that, but through journaling in the SEProgram I worked on it and think I did finally forgive her. Your parents both gave you a lot of stress. I think if you journal about them, going back to their young years and later, you may discover more about them than you expected. If we put ourselves in our parents' shoes, we often realize they had their own TMS. I realized that my mother had a real tough girlhood and it helped me to forgive her for a lot.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

I think if you journal about them, going back to their young years and later, you may discover more about them than you expected.

Yes, the inter-generational patterns we inherit created suffering for all the ancestors. For millennia, we have been doing the best we can to survive. The importance to me is to recognize the destructive patterns which are handed over to us as impressionable children and over time, disengage. Forgiveness is an important part of this, and it will come in time.