Today’s activity involved beginning the list of life stressors, both deeply ingrained childhood ones and more recent adult ones. First on my list is obviously losing my dad to cancer when I was 18. The more I look into it, the more I realize this wasn’t a single event, being the day he died, but years of stress. I watched my father slowly die from ages 11-18. That is not normal, and to think I came out of that completely scar free is absurd! I only missed one day of school for his funeral. I never told anyone what had happened. I didn’t tell my teacher why I’d be absent at first, just that I was going to a family members funeral. When he, being a kind man, pried more of an answer out of me, asking for what family member, I distinctly remember saying “my dad”, and watching his constant smiley demeanor instantly drop into a wide-eyed, pale-faced stare. To make things better, this was at the end of class as people were grabbing their things, so everyone heard it. It felt like a spotlight on me. I said “we’re doing okay” (we weren’t, obviously), and I left the classroom. I never talked to him about it again. I never talked to anyone about it. I was a mad, confused teenager who didn’t want to be “the kid who’s dad just died”, I just wanted to be me. I outright refused conversations about it. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I didn’t know how to experience those emotions and I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone.
I see a lot of death in my line of work, and I’ve never really been bothered by it, from what I’ve always believed is a built up tolerance to seeing death. I’ve had countless family members die growing up. Nearly all my grandparents, my aunt OD’ing, my dad of course. I realize this “resilience” or feigned sense of fortitude has not come from a place of emotional strength; it comes from simply NOT dealing with the problem. I just bottle it up. That’s why my reservoir is overflowing, and my unconscious started this pain. I’ve been in pain for over a year because current life stressors are coming at me too fast and I never learned how to deal with them. I do feel like I’m getting better at it, even so early on. Identifying those things in life that you never really considered were traumatic is very helpful. Physically, I feel slightly better too. I still have pain when sitting in cars, I’m still in minor pain most of the time at work, etc. But I firmly believe these are conditioned responses. I “hurt” my back at work, so when I’m there I’m conditioned to feel pain because in my unconscious work = pain. I have pain sitting in a car, because during my initial acute and real minor back strain, it hurt to sit in the car, but obviously that could have only lasted a short time, not 6 months! I’ve got a big day today, I’m going to see the US play in the World Cup round of 16! I’ll be on my feet for countless hours, walking miles, sitting, standing, everything! I think this will be a great day to prove to my mind that I’m alright, because no matter how much pain, if any, I feel today, I’m gonna have a blast and enjoy the moment! Go USA!
I see a lot of death in my line of work, and I’ve never really been bothered by it, from what I’ve always believed is a built up tolerance to seeing death. I’ve had countless family members die growing up. Nearly all my grandparents, my aunt OD’ing, my dad of course. I realize this “resilience” or feigned sense of fortitude has not come from a place of emotional strength; it comes from simply NOT dealing with the problem. I just bottle it up. That’s why my reservoir is overflowing, and my unconscious started this pain. I’ve been in pain for over a year because current life stressors are coming at me too fast and I never learned how to deal with them. I do feel like I’m getting better at it, even so early on. Identifying those things in life that you never really considered were traumatic is very helpful. Physically, I feel slightly better too. I still have pain when sitting in cars, I’m still in minor pain most of the time at work, etc. But I firmly believe these are conditioned responses. I “hurt” my back at work, so when I’m there I’m conditioned to feel pain because in my unconscious work = pain. I have pain sitting in a car, because during my initial acute and real minor back strain, it hurt to sit in the car, but obviously that could have only lasted a short time, not 6 months! I’ve got a big day today, I’m going to see the US play in the World Cup round of 16! I’ll be on my feet for countless hours, walking miles, sitting, standing, everything! I think this will be a great day to prove to my mind that I’m alright, because no matter how much pain, if any, I feel today, I’m gonna have a blast and enjoy the moment! Go USA!