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Nurturing Koala

Discussion in 'General Discussion Subforum' started by andy64tms, Feb 27, 2018.

  1. andy64tms

    andy64tms Well known member

    Nurturing Koala, :)
    I have been inundated with phone calls, faxes and emails. People want to hear more about my relationship with Humphrey (my koala Teddy Bear).

    Humphrey rose from the depths of my subconscious a few weeks ago in a post to this forum. Since then I have been realizing how much of a comfort and nurturing I received then, and how ungrateful it was of me not to think about him even once for at least 60 years.

    When I was two, my uncle a merchant seaman captain arrived home from a trip to Australia with Koala teddy bears for his twin nephews. As I fell in love with the soft fur I instantly named mine Humphrey, and had to have him in bed with me every night, my white teddy Sooty was cast aside, I was living in luxury, as I developed a scratching habit that gave me ultimate comfort from the woes of a two year old in the1950’s. By the time I was eight he was completely bald. Humphrey had become my segregate mother, but was worn out.

    I theorize what happened was meditation combined with a self expression of independence and comfort. I learnt no one else did anything similar, I was unique in this activity, and I did not care what anyone else thought. I became the model of a spoilt brat if he was taken away or got lost and remember having tantrums if this happened. I remember being ridiculed by my family, and was eventually to become the family whipping boy, as I took the bait and responded with more uncontrollable tantrums.

    I seem to have gained more nurturing from Humphrey than I did from my mother. Her own mother did not impart the skills of normal mother hood, so forgiveness is much needed. If I think deeply enough I realize I had an embarrassing habit of curling my lip in a sucking fashion, as I scratched Humphrey and surmise this was to compensate for the lack of breast feeding. It was my wife who informed me of this lactose fact and I can imagine my mother’s reluctance since she had twins. (No comments from the men please). It’s amazing to think of the habits we form in order to survive, but I think I got the better deal since my twin brother bit his fingernails, which still show at 70 years of age.

    Two Humphreys:
    In all honesty there were actually two Humphreys, I should have called them Humphrey1 and Humphrey2. No one can blame me for this omission of naming, for then I was not even aware of my OCD perfectionism. Since Humphrey1 was in fact completely bald by the age of eight, I cast eyes on my twin brother’s good looking koala that he hadn’t even bothered to name; I need his Koala so bad.

    Negotiations for Humphrey2 took place over several weeks with my brother, I remember the power he exhorted over me, and I had to back off several days at a time to appear uninterested. He didn’t need a Koala; I knew his fingernails were his substitute mother. So with the exchange of some of my favorite Beano and Dandy comics I obtained a Humphrey2.

    Also I inadvertently avoided an important thing about Humphrey.
    Further musing got me thinking that the first one lasted 8 years, which by my engineering logic meant that I could have been scratching Humphrey at the age of 16, a fact that I really do want to repress.

    This was my entire norm at the time I do not remember feeling hard done by. It goes to show repression is a natural survival asset, since we have to get by somehow. The effort in finding repressed emotions isn’t always a bad experience, I enjoyed this one.:)

    So how far back does your TMS go, think security blankets and be honest?:)
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
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  2. JanAtheCPA

    JanAtheCPA Beloved Grand Eagle

    Oh, Andy - yeah, I was already answering your final question in my head before I even got to your final question. So now I have to be brutally honest and answer it. Ick. Ugh. This brings up some weird old shit - again- I did actually examine these weird childhood memories when I was doing the SEP, back in the fall of 2011.

    Okay, if you can do it, I can do it. And anyway, everyone was weird as a kid, right? I know this is true. If someone thinks they weren't, I think their repression mechanism is in top form.

    So I know that I sucked on a towel for quite a while from at least age 2, until probably age 4 or 5. This is embarrassing, but I remember I liked how it smelled. What I don't remember is arguing with my parents about it, or being upset if it had to be washed (I'm quite sure it got washed, my mother liked things clean) but they were busy having more kids, so maybe they didn't have time. I also think my mother got good advice about not worrying about every little thing, because by the time she had four of us, she was kind of unflappable.

    In the first grade (age 6) I went through several weeks (? seems unlikely - probably only days) of believing that flies were getting into my mouth, and I refused to swallow. At age 9 I spent some time (weeks? or only days?) rolling my eyes in a very peculiar and obsessive way, and I recall clearly that my teacher was concerned - but I don't recall that my parents were. I went on to biting my nails, probably for at least a couple of years, but I really hated how they looked, and when I was about to enter middle school (adolescence!) I started using nail polish because I was convinced that I would poison myself if I ingested any polish. And it totally worked - I never did it again.

    As I said, thanks to the SEP exercises, I uncovered and remembered these weird little things and examined them (I had to force myself - my brain didn't want me to) which was good, because I was able to tie them to my lifelong anxiety, explore how that developed, blame my mother, and then forgive her :joyful:
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  3. andy64tms

    andy64tms Well known member

    Hi Jan,

    My question was rhetorical, I am glad of your commenting reply. We are not alone; neither, are the many other new users coming here. We need to encourage new people to write from their depth instead of the emphasis on their pain. I learned from AA, Toastmasters, EDD Open club there is a release you get from the comradery and understanding from those walking in similar shoes. If you open up, someone else will surely follow.

    When you look at a school playground you see from an adult’s perspective the mini characters forming and it isn’t pretty. Repression seems to be switched on and off as friends are made and lost in milliseconds. I refer to:

    And anyway, everyone was weird as a kid, right? I know this is true. If someone thinks they weren't, I think their repression mechanism is in top form.

    Talking about repression, I think I posted this threat partly as a diversion from my personal physical issues and partly euphoria of still having a wife, I have a shit load going on, eyes, ears, biting my gums from crooked teeth. My shoulder pain is way over due to be looked at, and many more, I need to make one of those Excel charts to prioritize, because I am going windsurfing this summer whether I’m ready or not! :)

    Thank you for replying.
    Last edited: Feb 28, 2018
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