Nothing is working

Well it's more complicated than that, in theory he was mostly living with us, but every morning he was out of the house before I wake up, and return after I was already sleeping. Somethimes abandoning us for a short while(months at worst) but even when he was physically present he was treating house like I don't know hotel - just a place to sleep, eat and bath.

My Ace score is 3. I was often insulted by my mother, rarely felt loved and I think I can count her as drinker, although she was surprisingly functional alcoholic. No matter how much she drank given day, dinner was always ready(but like I already said it before food was important to her), house was clean and I had my clothes washed and ironed. Of course alcohol only made her mental problems worse. I think I forgave her(I will never forget how sometimes abusive she was, but forgivness is something she deserves. Her life was hard too, and in last few years she chilled out, and admites some of her mistakes.)
On the brighter side there was no physical violence in house, no problems with law(well my dad had many failed business ideas and problem with taxes, but it's not like I knew about that when I was a child, we had enough money)

P.S Thanks for compliment about my english. After many lost years I'm trying to better myself in every way I can. Learning about TMS and trying to implement work connected to it it's just one thing, but we can't forget to improve in other ways. Improving my english is one of those things, I have to admit that in my school I'm using every opportunity to better my english by talking with english teachers, but it's just so easier to read or listen than actually write or -worst of all- speak Especially with my accent that sounds like eastern european James Bond's villain.

 

What do you think, @patrickj? I'll let you share before we compare.

But wait... shouldn't you guys be asleep? Probably see you tomorrow

 

Patrick, this sounds very encouraging. You know I'm pulling for you!

 

Alcohol was, for centuries, the only drug of choice for people with bipolar. Bipolar disorder, alcoholism, and fetal alcohol brain damage have been an evil combination for a long long time. Our foster daughter broke the chain of alcoholism, because by the time she was a teen and developed the bipolar, there were SSRIs, which were quite effective, and she was adamantly again drugs and alcohol because of her mother. I knew she should never have kids due to her intellectual deficiencies, but she always wanted them. She had two in her twenties, with normal intellects because she doesn't drink - but she was not a competent mother, and she did not take her meds regularly. She was for sure abusive to the kids' father, and ever since the inevitable split with him she has been taken advantage of by nasty people, so we had to cut off contact. The kids were permanently taken away from her a number of years ago and are with their father, who is doing the best he can with two traumatized kids. He's a decent guy who really had no idea what he was getting into with her, so it's incredibly tragic. They are very stable and well-loved now, but I worry about one or both of them developing the bipolar - which we know is passed on genetically - on top of their childhood trauma (I think they would have at least 4 ACEs for sure, probably 5, possibly 6).

Humans...

 

Jan, I am so sorry..... I hope those kids will heal and overcome their terrible past...

 

I wonder if my new symptoms that surfaced themselves since I started journaling every day is more TMS or just my body giving up. They came seemingly out of nowhere but how can I know if they are TMS too or result of sedentary lifestyle?

 

I guess you can't know that. Taking a leap of faith seems like a crucial part of the healing process. For some people this is very hard. For instance, I'm on an autism spectrum and for me "faith" is a foreign concept. "Hope", yes, absolutely, but never faith. I'm trying to alter that now but in a confrontation between tangible and intangible I would always lean towards the former. So naturally, looking for answers in my body is more appealing than turning to the mind.