Not happily married and Tms

[Heavenly]

Hi,
I would like to ask for advice on what to do with my marital situation. I know for sure that the cause of my pains in the back, hips, tailbone with sciatica etc. Are caused by Tms. I got injured a year ago after performing hamstring curls at the lightest weight possible. This just can't make sense knowing That I can deadlift 225 lbs with a body weight of 102lbs today. After reading Sarno, I realized that none of my symptoms were structural and MRI s confirmed it. My ortho diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and thought that the cause of my pains were a mystery. The most interesting thing is that I got this last and enduring injury on the very day of my anniversary last year. I have been married for 22 years but I feel lonely in my relationship with my husband. We've had separate bedrooms for 3 years and it was my will to do so. He isn't still in love with me and hoping to get me back but I'm not attracted by him anymore. He's a kind person but physically he's not my type anymore. Also we are very different in personality and interests. He likes quiet things since he's an introvert and I'm more of an extrovert. I like the gym but he'd rather go fishing. I like to party or hang at a bar or a coffee shop and he prefers to stay home and watch tv. I can understand this since I work from home and I miss social activities and he works in a restaurant so for him home is more relaxing. What bothers me more is that he has always been distant in our relationship from the beginning. I was always the first one to come close to him for a kiss or cuddle or for sex. Two years ago we were on a family cruise and I was expecting him to kiss me when the server brought our surprise cake since I mentioned it to her. How disappointed and humiliated was it when it didn't happen. We have 3 children, two are adults and our youngest one is only 8. I would have filed for divorce if it weren't for not shaking the boat. It would also be hard financially! I'm really lost...I need affection and with a man that I can have fun with or share common interests. As a result, I have pains and I know they re not coming from my weight lifting heavy at the gym like my personal trainer assumes because I get more pains at home or just sitting At my workdesk. I see men at the gym who are interested in me but I'm not confident that I can pursue a relationship With anyone although I have become ill attracted by a guy there and just seeing him makes me happy but I always screw it by giving him wrong signals like I'm not interested and tried to make him jealous with talking with my personal trainer while ignoring him. As a result, he is now avoiding me. I feel so stupid about that. My pains have now increased and all I think right now is that the guy will forgive me if I talk to him but I'm afraid he might reject me or change gyms. He forgave me A few times before but I feel like he's really mad now because he has not shown up at the gym for two weeks and he usually comes every day at a same time as I do .
I would appreciate any advice! Thanks

 

[FredAmir]

Hi Heavenly,

Marital discord was the main cause for my back, neck, shoulder, knee, and foot pain as well as pain and numbness in both legs, arms, and hands.

If it was not for Dr. Sarno’s Healing Back Pain, I would still be in pain and disabled.

Once I recovered from TMS, I knew I had to resolve the issues with my wife, especially that we had two toddlers, otherwise I could have ended up in disabling pain again.

What you described here in terms of different personalities and interests are quite common. One really good book that I mention in Chapter Seven of Rapid Recovery from Back and Neck Pain on this topic is “ Divorce Busting.”

Another book I recommend is “The Five Love Languages” that can help both of you discover more about what you need to feel loved.

So there are thing to learn and do that can help your marriage. It’s been 28 years since my recovery from TMS and 35 years of marriage and I am glad I put in the effort and worked things out.

If you have not worked with a capable, experienced family therapist, that may need to be one more solution to consider.

There is hope. Don’t give up.

 

[hawaii_five0]

@Heavenly: you say "The most interesting thing is that I got this last and enduring injury on the very day of my anniversary last year"

By coincidence I am reading a really nice little book called "Dr Fulford's Touch of Life". It was written by Robert Fulford, DO (osteopath), who was apparently a wonderful old healing doctor, of the old school osteopathic tradition, a very modest and kind man who healed many people with the simplest of interventions. (he is now deceased). Anyway, he says that he regularly saw "anniversaries of pain" (and had the experience himself): "Over the last 50 years I've found it amazing how these anniversaries pop up" (people having a painful flareup on some kind of anniversary of an illness or traumatic emotional event). So apparently it is a thing.

It's quite a nice book that talks a lot about the innate power and connection of the mind, body, and spirit, the power of positivity, etc. It echoes a lot of the Sarno ideas, e.g. "Emotional distress almost always finds a way to manifest itself as a physical pain, anywhere from the head to the foot." He believes the body's natural state is good health, and your breath is at the core of your health.

(sorry I don't actually have any words of wisdom or advice for you, but it definitely sounds like a TMS problem)

 

[Heavenly]

Hi Heavenly,

What you described here in terms of different personalities and interests are quite common. One really good book that I mention in Chapter Seven of Rapid Recovery from Back and Neck Pain on this topic is “ Divorce Busting.”

Another book I recommend is “The Five Love Languages” that can help both of you discover more about what you need to feel loved.

Thanks @FredAmir
I will check these literatures out

 

[Heavenly]

Thanks @hawaii_five0 for your help!
My pain in the low back actually appeared on the day of my WEDDING anniversary last year to be clear. This year, I was afraid when my wedding anniversary was approaching since I associated it with my injury anniversary. I decided not to do anything special that day and pretended it was just like any other day although my husband made me some gifts. Sadly I didn’t give him anything since last year I got injured when I was thinking about what to do or gift him. I had felt guilty and decided to run to the store even though I had already injured myself at the gym right before. When I got home, I felt dizzy and I had shooting sciatica pain and was about to go to the ER but it was at high peak of covid time in 2020 so I let it go. From there, my condition had only worsened until I read Sarno. I’m still in some level of pain today but I can tolerate it knowing that it is caused by my mind but I’m dreaming of a day when I can be free of any kinds of pain including the mental ones.
I know it will take a significant amount of work and courage to get out of the situation where I am now, in a failed marriage and feeling trapped in it.

 

[TG957]

Unhappy marriage can destroy your health and your entire life. As hard as divorce is, it is better to divorce sooner than later if you are certain that your marriage is not salvageable. I would not be surprised if your husband knows deeply inside that you are no longer there for him.

One small piece of advice: before you jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to find out who you are, what you want for yourself in your future life, spend some time alone truly and deeply reflecting on your past experiences.

Best,

TG

 

[subtlecollision2]

Hi,
I would like to ask for advice on what to do with my marital situation. I know for sure that the cause of my pains in the back, hips, tailbone with sciatica etc. Are caused by Tms. I got injured a year ago after performing hamstring curls at the lightest weight possible. This just can't make sense knowing That I can deadlift 225 lbs with a body weight of 102lbs today. After reading Sarno, I realized that none of my symptoms were structural and MRI s confirmed it. My ortho diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and thought that the cause of my pains were a mystery. The most interesting thing is that I got this last and enduring injury on the very day of my anniversary last year. I have been married for 22 years but I feel lonely in my relationship with my husband. We've had separate bedrooms for 3 years and it was my will to do so. He isn't still in love with me and hoping to get me back but I'm not attracted by him anymore. He's a kind person but physically he's not my type anymore. Also we are very different in personality and interests. He likes quiet things since he's an introvert and I'm more of an extrovert. I like the gym but he'd rather go fishing. I like to party or hang at a bar or a coffee shop and he prefers to stay home and watch tv. I can understand this since I work from home and I miss social activities and he works in a restaurant so for him home is more relaxing. What bothers me more is that he has always been distant in our relationship from the beginning. I was always the first one to come close to him for a kiss or cuddle or for sex. Two years ago we were on a family cruise and I was expecting him to kiss me when the server brought our surprise cake since I mentioned it to her. How disappointed and humiliated was it when it didn't happen. We have 3 children, two are adults and our youngest one is only 8. I would have filed for divorce if it weren't for not shaking the boat. It would also be hard financially! I'm really lost...I need affection and with a man that I can have fun with or share common interests. As a result, I have pains and I know they re not coming from my weight lifting heavy at the gym like my personal trainer assumes because I get more pains at home or just sitting At my workdesk. I see men at the gym who are interested in me but I'm not confident that I can pursue a relationship With anyone although I have become ill attracted by a guy there and just seeing him makes me happy but I always screw it by giving him wrong signals like I'm not interested and tried to make him jealous with talking with my personal trainer while ignoring him. As a result, he is now avoiding me. I feel so stupid about that. My pains have now increased and all I think right now is that the guy will forgive me if I talk to him but I'm afraid he might reject me or change gyms. He forgave me A few times before but I feel like he's really mad now because he has not shown up at the gym for two weeks and he usually comes every day at a same time as I do .
I would appreciate any advice! Thanks

In marriage issues, I think a big thing to consider is to look inwards at yourself and see if you are contributing to problems as well as the other person. It's easy to focus on "what the other person is doing wrong" and not look inwards. Usually it's not just one person's fault. And we can only control our own behavior. Are there ways you could be a better spouse? Maybe you have done this already; I'm just throwing out something to consider.

Personally, I don't think not being physically attracted to your spouse and having different interests in activities are deal-breakers. I am very sorry that he does not initiate physical intimacy; that is really rough. That could be causing some of your TMS. Have you tried talking about it? Is he not interested at all in physical intimacy? If not, why? Is he depressed? Is he sensing that you don't have feelings for him anymore? Does he have body image issues?

As far as the kiss you were expecting with your cake-- I obviously don't know the whole situation, but I'm not sure if you have a right to be upset about that. Did you agree beforehand that he would kiss you at that moment? I'm guessing you didn't. So do you have a right to be upset when your expectations aren't met? I'd say no. My husband is okay with PDA, but I don't like it very much. He has learned to have to not take it personally if I don't give him a kiss in public. People don't always love us exactly in the way we want, you know.

Can you compromise on activities? Can you go to a coffee shop and read together there? Can you go on a walk together since you like being active and then fish together? Since he likes to stay home and watch TV, could you invite some people over every once in a while maybe to watch a game together or something with your husband and yourself? It can in some ways be beneficial to have an extrovert and introvert together in a relationship-- they both bring unique perspectives to the relationship.

I wasn't sure if you were saying he is still in love with you and trying to get you back or not? If he is trying to get you back, that's a great sign. That means he is trying, even if it's not in the way you expect him to. One thing I've had to learn in marriage is that my expectations for my spouse to love me in a certain way may not always be fulfilled. We've learned to give each other grace.

Do you think some of your pains could be coming from the conscious/unconscious guilt of trying to impress a guy at the gym who isn't your spouse? I'd stop worrying about that guy at the gym and focus on working things out with your husband.

Resentment is another thing to consider from a TMS perspective. It sounds like you have expectations for your spouse that he doesn't meet and that can cause resentment. Journaling about that could help. It might also be a good idea to talk to your spouse about your resentment and ask if he has any resentment towards you. It would have to be a humble, calm conversation, but it could bring some healing on long-repressed issues.

Also, you say in one sentence that you feel lonely in your marriage and then in the next sentence that it was your choice to have separate bedrooms. Shouldn't you share a bedroom so you don't feel lonely in your marriage? I'm not sure why you initiated that change? As far as the physical attraction issue goes-- obviously I don't know what your spouse looks like, but looks aren't very important to me personally. My husband is incredibly handsome, but I've been attracted to people way less attractive than him that I dated before I met him. Maybe you would feel more attracted if you guys were able to connect intimately in other ways like conversation and fun activities? Maybe you could connect and grow over volunteering or giving back in some way? Giving back tends to bring people together and boost their moods.

Anyway I obviously don't know the whole story about your marriage of 22 years, but these are thoughts from an outsider's perspective after reading your post. Wishing you the best with your marriage and hope your pain goes away soon!

 

[Heavenly]

» would not be surprised if your husband knows deeply inside that you are no longer there for him. »

He knows because I had told him that I wanted to divorce but like he said, this would make us financially broke and taking care of our kids, mostly our little boy would be a big hassle. I don’t want for them to go through such emotional discord that an official divorce would cause. Our separation under the same roof is already harsh enough on them and I’m sad that they won’t get to carry on to their life the example of an affectionate marriage. My husband and I try to help each other to have a functional household in spite of my resentment towards him.

« One small piece of advice: before you jump into the next relationship, give yourself time to find out who you are, what you want for yourself in your future life, spend some time alone truly and deeply reflecting on your past experiences. »

Yes, that’s what I’m trying to tell myself but I’m very impatient. I want to try to be more independent on a financial level but it ain’t easy since I don’t know what other better paying jobs I can get. I know I lack self confidence.

Thanks @TG957

 

[Heavenly]

@subtlecollision2 Thanks so much for providing your insights. It’s very thorough and I had to read it multiple times and answering the questions you brought out. I need to spend more time on looking inside of me instead of always trying to distract myself by going out or visiting social media. I had done journaling through this website’s program but when it was over, I stopped.

Personally, I don't think not being physically attracted to your spouse and having different interests in activities are deal-breakers. I am very sorry that he does not initiate physical intimacy; that is really rough. That could be causing some of your TMS. Have you tried talking about it? Is he not interested at all in physical intimacy? If not, why? Is he depressed? Is he sensing that you don't have feelings for him anymore? Does he have body image issues?

He’s a shy person and I knew it the day I met him. Since the day we started dating, I had to come close to him to get any type of intimacy. Then when we lived together, he showed more interest in watching TV even late at night than going to bed with me. I’d talked to him about his being too distant or in his own space might be the cause of my frustration. His work schedule sucks too since he’s in the restaurant business and doesn’t allow much family time, mostly on weekends and holidays. I kept telling him that I’ve always felt like a single mom, planning activities with the kids without him. When I see other families going out altogether, I feel sad. I got so used to being alone with my kids that on days he’s home, it feels odd to have him around and now I resent his presence. I guess I grew used to be in control of my time and his presence annoys me. Therefore we do things separately even with the kids most of the time unless we go on a long road trip because I’m not confortable with driving on the highways. I see him more like a convenience to help me with the kids when he’s home than a love partner.

Do you think some of your pains could be coming from the conscious/unconscious guilt of trying to impress a guy at the gym who isn't your spouse? I'd stop worrying about that guy at the gym and focus on working things out with your husband.

I know that a lot of my physical pains do come from my trying to impress the guy at the gym. In fact I always feel pain whenever my mind wander towards him. I’ve become obsessed by him although deep inside of me, I don’t think if we were to date, it would work out. There’s an age gap as I’m probably 6 years older than him. His two kids are about my boy’s age but my daughters are pretty much adults. The only common things we have is that we both enjoy working out at the gym. He’s very fit and muscular, so very handsome. I take good care of my physical aspect so I believe that’s why he was drawn to me. I don’t know more about him other than his look. He seems like a friendly man and probably lonely like me.


On the other hand, my husband is 9 years older than me, does not want to lift weight to become muscular although I told it would be nice. I’m ashamed of going out with him because I look younger than him and our styles are completely different. To top it off, he doesn’t have a well paid job.

My husband has good sides though that I appreciate in him. He’s a kind and respectful person, probably too nice, and helpful with house chores and a caring dad.

I’m wondering if I’m more attracted by bad boys since I grew up with an abusive step dad. That’s what I learned from studying the mind body connection. We tend to get ourselves into situations familiar to what we are used to growing up.

I might have to see a therapist again during this midlife crisis!