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Day 31 No outside problem is interfering with TMS recovery

Discussion in 'Structured Educational Program' started by Endless luke, Sep 25, 2013.

  1. Endless luke

    Endless luke Well known member

    (Actually Day 32)
    Write about a specific problem that is preventing you from recovering.
    I’m not sure what this would be because at this point TMS has taken over my life and I’ve dealt well with my other problems. I suppose that the fact that I am alone is causing additional stress. If I had more support and human touch I could relax more. I don’t know if this is the type of answer the question is looking for.
    As far as being alone I think I’m dealing with it well. I’ve learned to go to bed sad which is actually much more functional than it seems. Before I learned to do this I would create additional stress by feeling the need to do something about it. This could be going on a dating website or meeting someone new.
    To a degree I still do these activities but it is at a much slower rate. I know that whatever I’m looking for won’t come that day and the only thing I have to do is deal with disappointment. The disappointment itself doesn’t feel so bad, although it’s very persistent.
    I’ve had over a year of getting in touch with this emotion. Sometimes it does wear me down. It wore me down this morning and my life felt so pointless. I couldn’t think of anyone to call and felt that I might be alienating everyone. I think most of that is in my head.
    Eventually I went for a jog but my jogging still has TMS issues- it’s quite asymmetric. Still it seemed the best thing to do because I was incredibly draggy all morning. Before I left I’d lain in bed for a long time waiting to feel somewhat awake and for my breathing to return to normal.
    When I got back I took a very hot shower for a long time. This is on my list of things not to do because I believe these showers relax my tense muscles and therefore it feeds into my belief that it’s a physical problem. Confusingly I did feel like I had some relief after the shower.
    I’ve digressed a lot in this essay and am not sure that I can make it back to the topic. My point could be that I’ve learned to live with some aspects of TMS and others I still fight against. I’m much better at dealing with being alone but TMS itself I still obsess about. Within dealing with TMS I’ve given up the majority of the therapies that I used to practice on myself but I still do this hot shower thing. The jogging too is an effort to beat TMS. So I’ve got a ways to go to find balance in how much effort I put into this.

    When was the last time you made a mistake? How did it make you feel?
    The last time I made a mistake was last night. I make mistakes all the time, they layer on top of each other like pancakes.
    My mistake wasn’t that bad but I hate making people uncomfortable. I got home around nine pm and after a few minutes I knocked on my roommates door since we often talk in the evening. I couldn’t hear what she said so I decided to work in the living room for a bit.
    I did hear some voices from her room and I should have figured out she was with a guy. In my defense I had just come from a very loud location and my ears were ringing. When she did emerge from her room she talked to me for a few minutes but I could tell she was uncomfortable.
    So I didn’t do anything very wrong but I think I should have stayed in my room so she would have had some privacy and I do wonder what my motivations were for staying out there.
    I’m not sure how I feel about it. There was a little bit of time where when I returned to my room I covered my face with my hands but overall I didn’t feel too much. I just can’t beat myself up anymore- not like I used to. Part of that is depression- I don’t think what I do matters much- but this is one of the cases where depression helps me.
    Or not- if I’m supposed to be feeling my emotions.
     

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