No doubts; Just Questions

[jamejamesjames1]

I know I have TMS as I have been experiencing the symptom imperative over and over; I had the same three symptoms (anxiety, dizziness/muscle weakness, and pelvic pain) that have been taking turns every few hours to every few days. I know they are not structurally caused. 100% on board. I have been for quite awhile.

1) The books really emphasis childhood issues in the development of MBS. I have journaled, and journaled, and journaled but I really don't believe anything is there to surface. I have had 22 of the MBS equivalents on the check sheet and ALL the personality traits - just everything about my childhood was pretty darn awesome. Is it possible I should be doing something different to heal? I've been doing the unlearn your pain program for months as well as curable. Meditation and journaling everyday but nothing.

2) I also don't even have any active stresses going on! Just the symptoms. Externally things are about as balanced and calm as they can be yet internally these symptoms keep occurring and very intense. I have what would be objectively great days that I just can't enjoy because of the symptoms.

3) When I'm in bad pain, I behave counter to all the personality traits. I do make time (almost exclusively) for myself, I get a little selfish, no longer trying to please people, shed most responsibilities, drop the perfectionism. Yet that does not seem to help either.

4) Triggers change too. With the pelvic pain it was worse when I would lay down for awhile. I tried to address that trigger and now it is worse when I stand (when before that is when it felt at the best!)

5) Negative and catastrophic thoughts are constantly on my mind. Over objectively very simple things. (Example: Toddler pulls some random cardboard out of the trash and I think "Oh no! I have to put that back now. I bet I'll be running behind him all night! I can't possibly do this!") I try and talk to my mind, say its alright, calm down, try to objectively explain why it is no big deal. It'll just jump to another though. It is like my whole system is on extreme hypersensitivity and won't turn off even though there is no reason at the moment to be this high strung. Yet "bigger" situations will occur that would likely stress even the average person (drop pasta sauce in the grocery store; botched a major presentation) and they don't really have any additional effect on me. Just "existing" seems to be more anxiety provoking than any specific thing.



I also exercise daily and don't have any of that sort of fear around. I just can't figure out what I have to do to heal as it seems like the recommended strategies aren't working for me.

 

[Northwood]

Hi, J3-1,
I'm a newcomer, too--so no layers of wisdom here. But I read your post and will throw out a couple of impressions. You seem to be a thinker, very much in your mind. I'm that way. I'm trying out ways to explore my mind by not following too exclusively an intellectual or mind-centered route (like journaling). Communicating with others helps. Reading to broaden my way of thinking has helped. Based on comments on this site, I'm back to reading Ekhart Tolle, A New Earth. I'm practicing relaxing my body, meditating (in the spirit of less thinking-about than feeling/being). It's a slow process. It all feels like pushing an enormous top-heavy wagon down a rocky path; if I push too hard it will all break apart, and if I don't push it at all it won't go anywhere. But sometimes I find the right sort of small pressures to apply and get a little movement. Have you tried meditation as a way to listen and learn more about what might be happening inside of you?

 

[Baseball65]

just everything about my childhood was pretty darn awesome.

It's not necessarily about 'what happened' as it is, how the events of your childhood set you up to perceive the world... In fact, If you had this awesome childhood, when did your mind start catastrophising ? Why would it if It was developed in a balanced and healthy way? If I was 'ok' I would know all things work out, there is perfect harmony in God's world, wouldn't It? Somewhere along the line what you think and feel fell out of sink with what happens. THAT is the pocket where TMS thoughts that need a symptom are hidden.

You have reached a certain amount of awareness to be cognizant of this:

"Oh no! I have to put that back now. I bet I'll be running behind him all night! I can't possibly do this!")

..Question..why? Who cares if the toddler is knocking crap over? What are you annoyed, afraid of???

I generally keep looking until I come up with an absurdity or something I couldn't just post on an internet forum... Are you afraid of the toddler pulling trash because that will make you look like a bad parent or supervisor? Are you in a rage and want to beat the little brat because you don't want to waste the time? Do you think that if a mess is made people will think you are dirty or live in filth? Keep asking yourself questions...

I have what would be objectively great days that I just can't enjoy because of the symptoms.

Stop. ask yourself more questions. What is it you are enjoying? Remember:Sarno himself got symptoms when he and his wife were going on a cruise.. what could be more 'relaxing'... he's old, successful and has helped thousands of people...if anybody deserved some time off it was him, right?
When he did the 'asking' I am talking about he realized that he did not want to go on a cruise but would rather use his vacation time to work on his next book!!
He too was having a great life... to the rational world. TMS isn't remotely rational.

I oftentimes do a Gedankenexperiment like so: I know the universe and this world did and will run fine without me ... so; what is it I find so unsavory that the world needs ME to fix it, look after it,etc. My views on politics? My perceptions of how baseball ought to be played? The few piddly unimportant pieces of music I have written? My great idea's on how to look after toddlers? Once again, this is not a self effacing exercise , it is a tool to find the irrational, inharmonious thoughts that I am covering up with being a 'good guy'....that good guy nearly killed me.

When I'm in bad pain, I behave counter to all the personality traits. I do make time (almost exclusively) for myself, I get a little selfish, no longer trying to please people, shed most responsibilities, drop the perfectionism. Yet that does not seem to help either.

I use a similar strategy, but once again , in my THOUGHTS. (and a little muttering) One of my current thoughts is that this virus panic is bullshit created by the media and that although of substance, doesn't merit the attention it's been given (It doesn't matter what 'the truth' is... only how I react to it)

So...when I had to get in line at Home depot yesterday I was thinking (and muttering) "F-cking pussies... you've all been duped...and You , Mrs. ancient justice warrior... why are you struggling so hard to survive, the world doesn't need you anyways...and you Fat rich guy...All the surgical masks that you hoarded??? The world doesn't need you... you are overvaluing your life!! That Mexican laborer there with No mask on is far more important to society than all of you useless, feral, non spawn producing parasites... this is just a global herd thinning...embrace it!"

Then I will help her move a box. I will Let the guy pull in front of me in traffic... I gave away my own box of N95's to medical people at Vanderbilt and had to sand drywall with a shitty mask that let me inhale a bunch of it....I am a 'goodist'... that is enraging to my mind, so I fight fire with Fire.
I allow myself to think HORRIBLE things and ask God's forgiveness later...The world judges us on our actions anyways.... No one cares what an old construction worker in Nashville thinks, and for that I am glad, and also can beat the snot out of TMS.

It's there , in your head....you don't need better answers, just better questions.