Newbie; Read Books, but still have doubt. Please help!

[Anne Walker]

I would never in a million years guessed that explanation for your name! Thanks for sharing, that is funny! I am so sorry your pain got worse and you are stuck in bed again. I think though the only thing really missing in your efforts is time and patience. Have you done the Structured Educational Program on this forum? Or Unlearn Your Pain by Dr Schubiner(its a book and he also has some kind of on-line program as well I think). Even if you do decide to get the surgery, see if you can find something today that you can enjoy just to take the edge off a little, make it just a little less tension filled, just slightly more manageable. Can you get out in the sun in a lounge chair? Sometimes we create even more tension working so hard at it and getting frustrated that we are not getting tangible, immediate results. It is a big leap of faith but trust all of us that have been there that it does get easier and it will get better with dedication and commitment. But along with that is developing some acceptance that we can't completely predict or control the process. This might be one of the hardest things and don't be hard on yourself or too discouraged for being frustrated and disappointed. We have all experienced that. Just yesterday I started to get a one sided head-ache and my first thought was "on, no, not this again." And then I just observed my thought processes and developing fear - wondering how long the head ache would last, how bad it would get, what it meant for my recovery..." Then I journaled for a bit, went on a walk with my husband and when I got home I realized that the headache was gone. The amazing thing is I don't know exactly when the headache went away. I have somehow successfully developed the skill to redirect my focus from the pain dominating my consciousness. That is very different than thinking and making the pain go away. That is like waiting for water to boil. I am sure many people are able to figure this out so much more quickly than me but I am so grateful and excited to finally be getting some results. You've had some small success in a short time followed by a set back. It may be a few little steps forward and big ones back for a little while. You might develop some new symptoms. It might make no sense right now why your subconscious is doing this or why it needs to be so tricky and seemingly punishing. It doesn't always make sense until you have some breakthroughs and its hard to imagine what those breakthroughs are until you have them.

 

[tigerlilly]

Well now that you know the story behind my handle I'll tell you a funny story. I also use my tgrllyct handle for my Pinterest account. A long distance friend came to stay with us for the weekend and we we talking about Pinterest and I told her that I had re-posted some of her pins. She asked what my handle was and I told her, and she started laughing. Upon asking why, she said she was wondering who the pervert named "Tiger-Licked" was and why they were commenting on her pins!!! I never in a thousand years would have put THAT together. But if you write back and tell me you were thinking the same thing, I might just have to go and change my handle!

I certainly do appreciate your encouraging words. I think I'm being too hard on myself, and then I start second-guessing everything. I think I'm going to have to make a point to read and take in information every day (I just ordered Steve O's book from Amazon) in order to keep my mind fresh and convinced on things. I embrace and convince myself deep down, but then when I have a sad or depressing day of progress, I start wondering why all my pain perfectly matches the "symptoms" of having a so-called herniated disc hitting on the nerve problem. Like, consistently - the pain doesn't jump elsewhere (is this the "trained" nerve pathways that I've heard about?). And then I start wondering if I'm wrong about things, even though I definitely know I fit in the TMS category. And then, like I told my husband - even worse case scenario - IF I was wrong and technically did need surgery, I still am convinced that I can heal the pain through the TMS avenue without resorting to surgery.

You are totally right about me laying here waiting for water to boil. I need to be patient (I'm working on it!).
I've not done the structured program on this forum. I think I browsed it briefly. I feel like I'm taking in so much knowledge and I'm all over the place - I just need to sit back and focus and start doing some work. I did take the time to write down all the "issues" I can recall, no matter how small or how large from childhood up until now. I guess I probably need to start just writing (is it okay to type it out? I'm so much better with typing!) and getting my thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

I'm so glad that you have learned the power to make your headaches go away! It sounds like you have a structure in place that is working for you as you heal. I'm still "finding" my structure as I take in knowledge. This forum is such great feedback!

 

[Anne Walker]

Well, no, Tiger-Licked never crossed my mind! In fact I am very surprised she was able to get the Tiger out of your handle. All I saw was a bunch of random consonants. Trgrllct, try to remember you are only a few short weeks into this. My neck/shoulder pain perfectly corresponded to an MRI of my neck showing multiple ruptured disks. I also had numbness in my hands that was very consistent. I have to look at my notes but I don't think any pain started moving around and old syndromes resurfacing until I was several months into the process. Also, keep in mind that everyone's timeline for healing is different. I had the experience of having surgery 20 years previously for a ruptured disc that did not cure my chronic pain. Even so, I had a very difficult time getting the cervical MRI out of my mind and erasing the doubt that the constant, chronic 24/7 pain I was feeling in my neck/shoulder wasn't being caused by the ruptured discs that showed up in my MRI. There are lots and lot of people on this forum who have consistent pain that does not move around. I encourage you to keep an evidence sheet. You can read about them if you search on forum. Anytime you experience something even a little bit encouraging, write it down on your evidence sheet. When you are really low and discouraged, pull the sheet out and remind yourself that the evidence is only going to grow. Our TMS minds gravitate toward the doubt, the negative, the pain, the fear... reinforce the positive whenever you can.

 

[tigerlilly]

Thanks for your support, Anne. I've started a journal as of yesterday (I was reading in Divided Mind and all these feelings started flooding in so I decided to start my journal right then and there and get it out!) and have also created a "quick reference" page to re-enforce the positive so I can look back over it as time goes on. I made a timeline from the time I was starting to make really good progress (which took 2-3 months with chiro and naprapath), to going backwards and being the worse I've ever been within a one-hour time period (Jan 31) - I can look at that now and see that not very much time has gone by, and it's really unfair to be so hard on myself, especially while I'm still learning the ropes of TMS and trying to learn how to heal. My Steve O book should in today so I'm hoping this will provide some tips and suggestions as well.
My husband talked me into going for a walk last night. It wasn't much of one - I was able to walk down the street to the fire hydrant (for our dog!) and back. Every step felt like a knife of searing pain, but I did it! Of course, I'm paying for it today, but still - it's more than I've been able to do in 2+ weeks. Just taking Advil once a day to help get me through, and trying to be really positive.