Steve J.
Well known member
Hello all,
It feels so good to finally be a member of this community -- I have been a frequenter for the better part of a month now, reading all of the wonderful insights and communications of the members.
In my junior/senior year of high school I began to develop Pure-O OCD coupled with some mild depression. In the years that followed, they sort of came and went and I managed.
In 2011, after a study abroad to Spain, I returned home with terrible abdominal pains and other GI issues that had me concerned and worried for at least a year -- gastroenterologists (a lovely colonoscopy), urologists, etc., nothing was found. It was a big concern in my life, but eventually it dissipated. I still have some digestive issues, but nothing major.
During this time, my OCD came storming back into my life with a vengeance, this time with a much grimmer and terrifying line of intrusive thoughts than I had ever experienced before. (Though looking back, I had instances of OCD when I was 10-11 years old)
This basically sent me into a tailspin of depression. I felt at a complete loss and I felt horribly disconnected from my family, friends, and society--basically, without getting into too much detail, I had convinced myself that I was a complete and utter monster that should be locked away in prison somewhere north of the Eskimos. During this time I met and fell in love with an amazing woman who was compassionate, understanding, and supportive of my journey to overcome these thoughts. After 4 months of psychotherapy and CBT, I was feeling better, and on the road to full management. After those four months, I sprained my wrist playing golf--no big deal. I braced it, iced it, and continued to play with mild discomfort for the remainder of the summer. In June of 2013 I was arrested for DWI. I had not been driving, however, my girlfriend was, and I had switched with her because I felt more comfortable to drive. The police pulled over (we were at a stop sign, I'd literally just sat down in the driver's seat) and then arrested me. I do not have a drinking/substance issue. If I did, I would tell you.
However, because of my history of anxiety, and the result of a questionnaire called the "Riasi," I had to undergo substance abuse counseling. This shattered me. Everyone that I told was in disbelief, and I felt trapped in this injustice. I was angry. I still am. I had this counseling, my wrist was not improving, it was getting worse, and my left leg began to hurt (attributed to an old injury). TMS clues all over the place. All MRIs, x-rays, EMG, bloodwork came back with flying colors. Structurally, I'm fine.
My relationship began to deteriorate -- I was in another job that I hated (I have a lot of existential and career stress). My pain was not going away. I was obsessed. I babied the heck out of it.
Fast forward to May of the following year (2014). My girlfriend and I broke up and I was unemployed within the same week (I quit the job I hated). I blamed my pain. I hated it. This was going to be a fresh start though, I thought. I’ll get healthy, I’ll get happy (which I wasn’t, the depression of being in counseling and of being pain was becoming too much) and I would win back this amazing woman. She is ten years older than me and has a son, so we are at different phases of life, but we were great together—right person, wrong circusmtance. It’s still a avery tough pill to swallow.
In the months following the breakup and learning that she had started dating someone new, my right arm and leg began to be painful. So now, all 4 limbs. I began seeing an acupuncturist, who helped marginally. then I started seeing a chiropractor because my neck was bothering me and I had heard about fascial manipulation, so I wanted to give that a shot. I didn’t like him from the beginning. My neck gradually felt fine, but after about 4 sessions, my lower back was in pain. The leg pain had gone away. Symptom imperative anyone??
I had never had low back pain before. So now, for the past six weeks, my back has been in pain, and both arms hurt. I am so worried, even though only two months ago I had an MRI done of my back by the neuro, and they said it was fine. Then all of a sudden I see this chiro and its been hurting ever since? Did he injure me? What could he have done? This is what I think about. I no longer see the chiro or the acupuncturist, or anyone, because I’ve read two of Dr. Sarno’s books as well as SteveO’s book. On an intellectual level, I know that I have TMS, 100%. But, as SteveO points out, this is only a superficial knowledge, one that has not yet reached the unconscious.
My depression has been as bad as ever since the break up, and I have ceased all communication with my ex. It’s been an incredibly dark time for me. As I write now, my arms feel okay, but my back is not happy. The pain in my arms is vague and usually constant, but has no real pattern—no specific activities flare it up. My back…well I don’t know. Could the chiro have injured it with just a few adjustments? It’s been six weeks…it’s not really in the acute phase anymore, and I’m so worried.
With my obsessive and negative tendencies, I have become pretty despondent in life. It sucks. I miss myself. I know where the answers lie, but I can’t seem to drive them into my heart, into my gut. I overthink, as many of you do, I’m sure. My patience is waning.
Oh, and I’m in the midst of a career change, in hopes of reaching happiness. I quit another job this morning and I’m going back to school in the spring. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who is willing to help me financially in the next couple of months before the semester starts.
Anyway, there is a lot here, and there is still a lot missing, but I really am glad to be here and I hope that some of you will be willing to take the time to read and respond to my story. I’m ready to be on this journey, I’m just so danged overwhelmed….
Steve
It feels so good to finally be a member of this community -- I have been a frequenter for the better part of a month now, reading all of the wonderful insights and communications of the members.
In my junior/senior year of high school I began to develop Pure-O OCD coupled with some mild depression. In the years that followed, they sort of came and went and I managed.
In 2011, after a study abroad to Spain, I returned home with terrible abdominal pains and other GI issues that had me concerned and worried for at least a year -- gastroenterologists (a lovely colonoscopy), urologists, etc., nothing was found. It was a big concern in my life, but eventually it dissipated. I still have some digestive issues, but nothing major.
During this time, my OCD came storming back into my life with a vengeance, this time with a much grimmer and terrifying line of intrusive thoughts than I had ever experienced before. (Though looking back, I had instances of OCD when I was 10-11 years old)
This basically sent me into a tailspin of depression. I felt at a complete loss and I felt horribly disconnected from my family, friends, and society--basically, without getting into too much detail, I had convinced myself that I was a complete and utter monster that should be locked away in prison somewhere north of the Eskimos. During this time I met and fell in love with an amazing woman who was compassionate, understanding, and supportive of my journey to overcome these thoughts. After 4 months of psychotherapy and CBT, I was feeling better, and on the road to full management. After those four months, I sprained my wrist playing golf--no big deal. I braced it, iced it, and continued to play with mild discomfort for the remainder of the summer. In June of 2013 I was arrested for DWI. I had not been driving, however, my girlfriend was, and I had switched with her because I felt more comfortable to drive. The police pulled over (we were at a stop sign, I'd literally just sat down in the driver's seat) and then arrested me. I do not have a drinking/substance issue. If I did, I would tell you.
However, because of my history of anxiety, and the result of a questionnaire called the "Riasi," I had to undergo substance abuse counseling. This shattered me. Everyone that I told was in disbelief, and I felt trapped in this injustice. I was angry. I still am. I had this counseling, my wrist was not improving, it was getting worse, and my left leg began to hurt (attributed to an old injury). TMS clues all over the place. All MRIs, x-rays, EMG, bloodwork came back with flying colors. Structurally, I'm fine.
My relationship began to deteriorate -- I was in another job that I hated (I have a lot of existential and career stress). My pain was not going away. I was obsessed. I babied the heck out of it.
Fast forward to May of the following year (2014). My girlfriend and I broke up and I was unemployed within the same week (I quit the job I hated). I blamed my pain. I hated it. This was going to be a fresh start though, I thought. I’ll get healthy, I’ll get happy (which I wasn’t, the depression of being in counseling and of being pain was becoming too much) and I would win back this amazing woman. She is ten years older than me and has a son, so we are at different phases of life, but we were great together—right person, wrong circusmtance. It’s still a avery tough pill to swallow.
In the months following the breakup and learning that she had started dating someone new, my right arm and leg began to be painful. So now, all 4 limbs. I began seeing an acupuncturist, who helped marginally. then I started seeing a chiropractor because my neck was bothering me and I had heard about fascial manipulation, so I wanted to give that a shot. I didn’t like him from the beginning. My neck gradually felt fine, but after about 4 sessions, my lower back was in pain. The leg pain had gone away. Symptom imperative anyone??
I had never had low back pain before. So now, for the past six weeks, my back has been in pain, and both arms hurt. I am so worried, even though only two months ago I had an MRI done of my back by the neuro, and they said it was fine. Then all of a sudden I see this chiro and its been hurting ever since? Did he injure me? What could he have done? This is what I think about. I no longer see the chiro or the acupuncturist, or anyone, because I’ve read two of Dr. Sarno’s books as well as SteveO’s book. On an intellectual level, I know that I have TMS, 100%. But, as SteveO points out, this is only a superficial knowledge, one that has not yet reached the unconscious.
My depression has been as bad as ever since the break up, and I have ceased all communication with my ex. It’s been an incredibly dark time for me. As I write now, my arms feel okay, but my back is not happy. The pain in my arms is vague and usually constant, but has no real pattern—no specific activities flare it up. My back…well I don’t know. Could the chiro have injured it with just a few adjustments? It’s been six weeks…it’s not really in the acute phase anymore, and I’m so worried.
With my obsessive and negative tendencies, I have become pretty despondent in life. It sucks. I miss myself. I know where the answers lie, but I can’t seem to drive them into my heart, into my gut. I overthink, as many of you do, I’m sure. My patience is waning.
Oh, and I’m in the midst of a career change, in hopes of reaching happiness. I quit another job this morning and I’m going back to school in the spring. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who is willing to help me financially in the next couple of months before the semester starts.
Anyway, there is a lot here, and there is still a lot missing, but I really am glad to be here and I hope that some of you will be willing to take the time to read and respond to my story. I’m ready to be on this journey, I’m just so danged overwhelmed….
Steve
