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New to the community -- my story

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by Steve J., Nov 17, 2014.

  1. Steve J.

    Steve J. Well known member

    Hello all,
    It feels so good to finally be a member of this community -- I have been a frequenter for the better part of a month now, reading all of the wonderful insights and communications of the members.
    In my junior/senior year of high school I began to develop Pure-O OCD coupled with some mild depression. In the years that followed, they sort of came and went and I managed.
    In 2011, after a study abroad to Spain, I returned home with terrible abdominal pains and other GI issues that had me concerned and worried for at least a year -- gastroenterologists (a lovely colonoscopy), urologists, etc., nothing was found. It was a big concern in my life, but eventually it dissipated. I still have some digestive issues, but nothing major.
    During this time, my OCD came storming back into my life with a vengeance, this time with a much grimmer and terrifying line of intrusive thoughts than I had ever experienced before. (Though looking back, I had instances of OCD when I was 10-11 years old)
    This basically sent me into a tailspin of depression. I felt at a complete loss and I felt horribly disconnected from my family, friends, and society--basically, without getting into too much detail, I had convinced myself that I was a complete and utter monster that should be locked away in prison somewhere north of the Eskimos. During this time I met and fell in love with an amazing woman who was compassionate, understanding, and supportive of my journey to overcome these thoughts. After 4 months of psychotherapy and CBT, I was feeling better, and on the road to full management. After those four months, I sprained my wrist playing golf--no big deal. I braced it, iced it, and continued to play with mild discomfort for the remainder of the summer. In June of 2013 I was arrested for DWI. I had not been driving, however, my girlfriend was, and I had switched with her because I felt more comfortable to drive. The police pulled over (we were at a stop sign, I'd literally just sat down in the driver's seat) and then arrested me. I do not have a drinking/substance issue. If I did, I would tell you.
    However, because of my history of anxiety, and the result of a questionnaire called the "Riasi," I had to undergo substance abuse counseling. This shattered me. Everyone that I told was in disbelief, and I felt trapped in this injustice. I was angry. I still am. I had this counseling, my wrist was not improving, it was getting worse, and my left leg began to hurt (attributed to an old injury). TMS clues all over the place. All MRIs, x-rays, EMG, bloodwork came back with flying colors. Structurally, I'm fine.
    My relationship began to deteriorate -- I was in another job that I hated (I have a lot of existential and career stress). My pain was not going away. I was obsessed. I babied the heck out of it.
    Fast forward to May of the following year (2014). My girlfriend and I broke up and I was unemployed within the same week (I quit the job I hated). I blamed my pain. I hated it. This was going to be a fresh start though, I thought. I’ll get healthy, I’ll get happy (which I wasn’t, the depression of being in counseling and of being pain was becoming too much) and I would win back this amazing woman. She is ten years older than me and has a son, so we are at different phases of life, but we were great together—right person, wrong circusmtance. It’s still a avery tough pill to swallow.
    In the months following the breakup and learning that she had started dating someone new, my right arm and leg began to be painful. So now, all 4 limbs. I began seeing an acupuncturist, who helped marginally. then I started seeing a chiropractor because my neck was bothering me and I had heard about fascial manipulation, so I wanted to give that a shot. I didn’t like him from the beginning. My neck gradually felt fine, but after about 4 sessions, my lower back was in pain. The leg pain had gone away. Symptom imperative anyone??
    I had never had low back pain before. So now, for the past six weeks, my back has been in pain, and both arms hurt. I am so worried, even though only two months ago I had an MRI done of my back by the neuro, and they said it was fine. Then all of a sudden I see this chiro and its been hurting ever since? Did he injure me? What could he have done? This is what I think about. I no longer see the chiro or the acupuncturist, or anyone, because I’ve read two of Dr. Sarno’s books as well as SteveO’s book. On an intellectual level, I know that I have TMS, 100%. But, as SteveO points out, this is only a superficial knowledge, one that has not yet reached the unconscious.
    My depression has been as bad as ever since the break up, and I have ceased all communication with my ex. It’s been an incredibly dark time for me. As I write now, my arms feel okay, but my back is not happy. The pain in my arms is vague and usually constant, but has no real pattern—no specific activities flare it up. My back…well I don’t know. Could the chiro have injured it with just a few adjustments? It’s been six weeks…it’s not really in the acute phase anymore, and I’m so worried.
    With my obsessive and negative tendencies, I have become pretty despondent in life. It sucks. I miss myself. I know where the answers lie, but I can’t seem to drive them into my heart, into my gut. I overthink, as many of you do, I’m sure. My patience is waning.
    Oh, and I’m in the midst of a career change, in hopes of reaching happiness. I quit another job this morning and I’m going back to school in the spring. I’m lucky enough to have a mother who is willing to help me financially in the next couple of months before the semester starts.
    Anyway, there is a lot here, and there is still a lot missing, but I really am glad to be here and I hope that some of you will be willing to take the time to read and respond to my story. I’m ready to be on this journey, I’m just so danged overwhelmed….
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hi, Steve J. I'm sorry you are in pain and are stressed, but it's no wonder with the emotional roller-coaster you've been on.
    Since the MRI didn't find anything structurally wrong with you, I believe the pain is from TMS, your emotions.
    And your subconscious has not yet gotten the message that you believe your pain is from TMS. Or that you have discovered
    the repressed emotions that cause the pain. Or that you have sufficiently dealt with your OCD.

    I hope you will start the Structural Educational Program which will lead you into a process whereby you will discover
    your repressed emotions and help modify your OCD.

    You are going to become a much healthier, happier person if you practice TMS healing techniques in the SEP
    and elsewhere in the forums at this web site. Welcome to a very caring, helpful community.
    Steve J. likes this.
  3. Steve J.

    Steve J. Well known member

    Thank you, Walt. I always see your words of wisdom within these threads. It's an honor to have your input here. I have a lot of respect for your perspective on TMS and life in general.

    I recently began reading Dr. Schubiner's Unlearn Your Pain and was going to begin his outlined program. Do you think I should give SEP a shot first, or no? Are you familiar with Dr. Schubiner's program?

    Thanks again, Walt. I look forward to hearing back from you.
  4. Steve Ozanich

    Steve Ozanich TMS Consultant

    If I can't help someone named Steve who can I help? I hope that helped you to write that out like you did, it's important to see yourself synopsized.

    Don't start multiple programs, pick a team and root for them. Slow your thinking, focus, and stay the course (whichever you choose).

    You are experiencing and re-experiencing separation rage, and the Two Trauma Mechanism. All TMS comes from separation fear. When you can learn to love yourself, and not depend on others to make you happy, or to fulfill you, you will be balanced again. Don't wait for others to bring you flowers, plant your own garden.

    It's possible that a chiro can hurt you but not probable. They've killed and paralyzed people before but it doesn't look like you were injured by it. Your brain needed a diversion at the time, and a deeper part of you didn't want the manipulation. So you're angry at yourself for becoming vulnerable to it. I've seen quite a few TMS initiations begin from testing too. The doctor performs a routine unnecessary test and it triggers a lengthy TMS episode. The person doesn't want the test, but does it to appease the doc, and then is angry at himself.

    You're in the middle of a TMS vortex of career and relationship, of course you're going to need a good distraction, and adding to it is your obvious Type T personality.

    The worst thing that you wrote here was that your patience was waning. That's a no-no. Ask LifeTimeCoachGal about time and healing. It's not about time or healing. It's about doing the correct things to change how you react to life. You don't take away pain, you take away the need for the pain. And that means focusing on the fear.

    You're doing the right things it appears. Be patient and seek happiness.

    Steve #1
  5. Boston Redsox

    Boston Redsox Well Known Member


    Steve is right lol…don't look for outside sources to make you happy find it within yourself believe me, I was looking for other people to make me happy and it just suck me into a vortex of pain. Walt gave me some good advice a while ago, its find time to laugh everyday no matter what I put this ahead of meditation mindfulness, journaling well this could make you laugh…anyway. I found it a great friend in the battle of tms.

    God Speed
  6. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    When things look darkest, I laugh. I tell myself my worries are all a piece of s--t, laugh, and they go away.

    On dark days, I turn on lights in the rooms I'm in.
  7. Steve J.

    Steve J. Well known member

    Thank you all so much. I've realized what a tremendous oppressor fear has been in my life, in all sorts of shapes and sizes. The journey towards healing definitely begins with seeking happiness, I know this. I quit another job in the field that I went to school for, and I'm going back to school for Writing in the spring! It's something that I've wanted to do for many years and now I'm finally taking that plunge...though of course it brings with it its own set of worries and "oh sh--s."

    I've really become interested in the concept that SteveO outlines regarding intellect vs. emotion. I've always considered myself a very self-aware, introspective type. I realize now how I've over-intellectualized my life over the years. As an INFP I find it interesting that this overthinking has played such a prominent role considering this personality type. Perhaps this is where the conflict lies? My mind has strayed from my heart to the point of chronic imbalance. Wondering if anybody here could share some insight on that dynamic of intellect vs. emotion and how to really reverse the "over-intellectualization."

  8. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    I can't answer your question because I don't even know what intellect vs. emotion means. Haha.
    I'm really a dummy when it comes to psychology. I'm a fulltime freelance writer but don't recommend it,
    because magazines and book publishing has changed so much and gone electronic.

    You may find that you still have to make a living at something other than writing,
    but you can write nights and weekends on anything that you like.

    Just for the heck of it, take a look at my published books, at www.walteroleksybooks.com

    I also have had a lot of magazine articles published over the years.
    My new books have all been self-published by CreateSpace. Look them up on the web.
    They publish all books free and give lots of online and phone help.

    Good luck and try to just love life every day. Practice deep diaphramic breathing and LAUGH.
  9. Steve J.

    Steve J. Well known member

    Wow, Walt...you've had an incredibly prolific career.

    Yes, the literary/publishing world is a daunting one no matter how you look at it. I'm hoping to not only hone my creative writing skills but also fuse the degree in writing with my bachelor's in international business in order to pursue a more creative outlet in the business sphere (advertising, etc.) I also have a passion for food...I hope to be able to combine my interests in some fashion down the line!

    Not many things make sense to me in this world aside from art and creative endeavors. A little romantic? Perhaps. But I'm okay with that.


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