New to Forum Seeking Help and Healing

I am 54 and have struggled with what I believe is TMS/MBS since my early 30s. I have purchased several "self-help" books, but self-sabotage seems to be ingrained somehow as a barrier to making progress.

In my early 30s I was told by a rheumatologist that I had "fibromyalgia." My first symptom had be unusual exhaustion. I would do an activity for example go to a horse clinic on the weekend and then feel like it took me an abnormal time to recover my energy. This happened more than once. I told my family dr. and he referred me to the rheumatologist. I did not know about trigger points, but I did have them when the rheumatologist pressed the "sore spots."

I am a registered nurse and to make a long story short, I did not embrace or accept this diagnosis. At one point I was reduced to resting in bed. I was put on an anti-depressant etc. Because I worked in healthcare, I knew the medical community thought fibromyalgia was a bogus diagnosis for "crazy" women (I even sat at a dinner once next to a rheumatologist and had to listen to him talk about how he hated fibromyalgia patients...sigh).

I did a lot of reading then, but did not find any information on TMS/MBS until about 2 or 3 years ago.
I have managed my energy by not scheduling too much activity and knowing that if i did do something strenuous, I would "pay for it" and need rest days after.

Fast forward to my recent life. I have been unable to get through a TMS book/program. I believe the root of my issues is emotional. Last year I became ill with an actual cytomegalovirus which gave me a pneumonia like illness and a "mono" syndrome. I was out of work on leave for about 2 months to recover. While on FMLA I decided that my nursing work was too stressful and the illness was a "warning sign" (most people when exposed to CMV would not get sick like I did unless they had an underlying immune problem which i did not).

We decide to sell our home, I have not worked in about a year. My depression has returned, and I am back on wellbutrin (the only anti depressant that has worked for me).

I have both of Dr. Schubner's books on ending pain and ending depression/anxiety, but something is "blocking"my healing. I live almost like someone with agoraphobia. So, I am seeking help. I realize I may need a psychotherapist. This led me to come here to see if I can find someone to see me over the internet/skype, etc.

I still get the exhaustion and have depression/anxiety, other symptoms appear like wrist pain, back pain, muscle stiffness, etc. I try and ignore it and tell myself and my brain it is TMS/MBS and not an actual disease or deformity. That helps, but not as much as I want it to. Every time I think about going back to nursing, I feel such anxiety and panic, I decide it is impossible to go back. My last work place was pretty rough (we know healthcare is stressful work). But, I need to get healthy enough to engage with life again. I could go on. I know if you are on this forum too, you understand.

This is my first post, I just want to introduce myself. I live in Texas have 3 grown children, 2 grands, and have been married to my husband for 34 years this December. I would love to hear particularly from anyone who has been successful with long-distance psychotherapy. I feel like I need a practitioner that specialized in TMS/MBS so they will "get me" and help me dig into why I can't seem to move forward with healing.

 

Thank you so much for your reply. I am cautiously (ha) hopeful. It took me a long time to get online and look for a psychotherapist. So it is definitely progress.
I don't recall any childhood physical abuse, but I do remember being bullied having a significant effect and my mother is for sure quite "exacting" in her approach to things. She was a reader of Dr Spock (as were many moms), and I do feel that my emotional needs were not met or validated. I don't know how to process them. I have found some relief with iRest meditation and am currently listening to Dr. Schubiners meditations on emotions etc.
Just taking action also gives some hope and relief.

 

That makes a lot of sense

 

I’m seeing this several days after you posted it, but I wanted to respond because it definitely resonates with me. I’m also 54 and while not diagnosed with fibro, I have been diagnosed with myofascial pain syndrome by a physical medicine and rehab doctor (and co-diagnosed by me with TMS).

I was fraught with terribly painful trigger points years ago. I still have them causing me discomfort and pain but they are far less painful and prevalent than they were. Overall my pain is far less but it still limits me. I stopped working after 4 years of pain. Even though my pain had already come down a lot by then (actually through Mindbody-based bodywork), I still found I couldn’t keep up with work (as an environmental consultant).

I definitely went up and down with being depressed over my situation. It’s been 10 years now since I stopped working. My younger child went off to college this fall, so as empty nester I wondered if I’d be able to work. But every time I do a few things I realize I still am not up for it. I know people who say they just keep pushing through and don’t think about the pain when they know it’s TMS, and they’re able to function fully, and I get that, but I’m still blocked somewhere I think. Instead I do things I can manage on my own schedule (I’m almost done with my memoir about this whole journey— been working on it for almost 12 years!).

Anyway, I seem to have difficulty digging deep into my own issues, too. I can’t tell you about long-distance therapy but I do know that the bodywork I got really helped me tap into the buried emotions that I otherwise couldn’t seem to access.

If you want more info about my journey, I describe it in my personal website (https://healingfromchronicpain.com).

Reading Sarno, Brady, Ozanich, Schubiner, etc. have definitely helped me, but I feel like I needed the bodywork to tap into my deeply buried repressed emotions (and there was definitely childhood stuff for me).

Also, I know Sarno denounces physical therapy but this Mindbody-based approach really worked for me even though it works on the body. It taps into the fascial system that literally holds emotions in our bodies. I say this with confidence because I’ve experienced it myself.

This doesn’t mean it’s not TMS. It’s just that I’ve found there are different ways to tap into the hidden emotions.

Best of luck and feel free to contact me. Since I gave up my career job, my hope is that at least maybe I can help others by sharing my experience.

Take care!

 

@JanAtheCPA That’s a great book! (imho)

I also have some quotes and a list of several books and articles related to trauma and pain if anyone is interested:
Gen info and quotes:
https://healingfromchronicpain.com/trauma-&-chronic-pain
List of resources:
https://healingfromchronicpain.com/resources#4bbbda04-c064-406d-a48a-a4063e0bac28 (Welcome to HealingFromChronicPain.com—support to myofascial pain sufferers)