New symptom (sortof)

Hello,

Ive been working with TMS for 3+ years now, thus far it only got worse. But im staying hopeful since this is my only hope. It started about 10-11 years ago when i was 18 with panic attacks because i was scared of my heart, no real reason why though. I didnt have palpitations back then, just a racing heart probably cause of the panic. I also abused alcohol at this time in my life i struggled with university being around new people and didnt fit in so i stopped going.

It went bad and good on and off. I even started obsessively working out but ending up injuring myself in my trapezius and didnt take the time to let it heal, it never really got better so had to stop training.

Then at 21 i abused drugs (amphetamine) and overdosed a bit and ended up in the hospital with at the time risk of heart rhythm issues or something. But only during the effects of the amphetamine. After that the panic attacks and anxiety reached new hights. I couldn't get out of the house anymore because the anxiety would be too great. I started gaming and drinking as a distraction.

When i was gaming i was tensed all the time cause of the anxiety, soon i developed pain in my right forearm together with the trapezius pain of the injury of working out which i had for a few months already but it got worse gaming. I gamed like 14-16 hours a day.

I never let my pains heal but kept gaming till i was in so much pain which cost me extreme exhaustion that i had to stop a few days before getting back to it. I also developed heart palpitations from these days on getting worse the following years.

I ended up in a rehab clinic when i was 26 or something so about 2 years ago. I had 3 months rest there from a computer at least, i felt a lot better in that time. Like 90% better i told myself if this will stay like this my life is pretty good again.

When i was back home i started working out again and working behind a PC thinking it should be TMS etc but the pain slowly increased with that came being tired again. Working out wasn't possible anymore because it got so bad i got extreme nausea from the pain. On and off i struggled with the TMS approach, TMS getting my hopes up going forward continuing activity until everything got so bad i lost faith again because it was not bearable anymore.

Meanwhile i developed pain also in my upper back, neck, arm, hand, elbow. Even started on the left side too with now being pretty bad there too.

Anyway now i started work again for 3 days a week and i game now and then because i enjoy it. I even went jogging again and picked up a guitar which i never dared with my pain and ive been playing for 5 weeks now. Believing in TMS even though my pain increased. I must say i kept it up pretty long for 5 weeks straight which is amazing. But now the pain is so bad again and the exhaustion and since yesterday i started getting pretty bad vertigo almost going knock out it seems to come from the pain in my neck/spine or something. Which is pretty unbearable and scary to be honest.

Another symptom which developed slowly during the years is my stomach feeling extremely bloated also increases when pain etc increases or the other way around.

So again im at the point where im forced to rest which is reinforcing me to be scared again and doubts to settle in. I probably shared parts of my story already but i felt the need to put it out here like this and maybe some one can give me some tips as i am confused now.

To be positive as well: I always had bad anxiety which got a bit less as i am more confident in the health of my heart even though it palpitates. So my anxiety is 50% less then usually which is nice.

 

I think key is to address your anxiety and mental health in general.
Anxiety affects your body in multiple ways and can make your pain worse.

 

Yeah thats true.. But it feels my anxiety follows my pain and not the other way around but maybe im mistaken..

 

It's a vicious cycle... a loop. When you cut off the fear and anxiety, there's no fuel for the symptoms. It's not about eliminating symptoms. It's about reducing fear. When you really get this concept, that's when you disable the tms strategy.

 

I try, but my stomach is so bloated and my heart beating hard how do you reduce fear then? It is there if i reduce fear it still seems to be there.

 

The thing i cant get over is that my symptoms seem super logical in a structural way. You hear in stories people start to notice odd things with their symptoms, telling them if it was structural why didn't i have pain when....


But with me it seems there arent any of those odd things where TMS shows itself. It all seems logical structurally, atleast i think so..

I resume activity pc,mobile etc my RSI symptoms increase gradually, so cause of increased pain i get more tired and fatigued. Adrenaline kicks in and anxiety as well. Stomach bloats palpitations start. All due to rsi pain. And when i stop activity and take rest it slowly decreases again till a certain point but 60%-70% better.

Also when i grab my right elbow with left hand and try to hold IT while i push nu right elbow outward my shoulder head area hurts alot, seems structural?

The only maybe weird thing is my left trapezius and back and arm started to hurt as well only less and not the shoulder head when pushing my left elbow outward then left shoulder head doesn't Hurt.

I feel like my RSI pain gets so bad that my body ( brain,heart) cant take it anymore. Like some one who gets tortured where their healthy heart can fail due to pain.

Anyway maybe i sound like a crazy person but that's how i tend to think sometimes.

 

Now as well, i am working a bit behind pc my body hurts, mostly right arm, trapezius and back. But i was okay with that and then my heart starts to flutter all the time... which scares me a bit, it is because i am behind the pc because of more pain it seems annoying.

 

Hi @Mark1122 ,

The brain creates ALL sensations. People have gone "blind" and been "paralyzed" and lost their voice due to faulty signals in the brain...NOT due to catastrophic disease. People have had limbs amputated and STILL feel the symptoms even though the limb is no longer there. Why? Because that's how the brain perceives it. That is not to say your pain etc is not real...it's simply not stemming from where you think it is. You don't have tissue damage or some kind of heart problem. You're not dying. It's that your brain perceives danger and sends signals to alert you to this perceived threat. The danger alarm center is being continuously activated by your thoughts fear rumination, analyzing, monitoring and hypervigilance. The symptoms are meaningless and utterly harmless but you keep reinforcing them through your preoccupation and focus. Your brain has also developed conditioned responses to "triggers" like movement or positions or activities. TMS is simply "learned pain". It's anxiety expressed through the body. The question is, what is the cause of the anxiety? What are the underlying emotions or aspects of your life may you be avoiding? TMS is always a symptom. It's not this scary monster and you don't have a life and death illness (like tumors or even a broken bone). All injuries heal. After that the brain has taken over. The way to reduce fear is to not freak out in response to symptoms. Keep reminding yourself you are fine and healthy. The sensations are harmless and temporary. Gradually start tolerating your fears and challenging them. Allow the fear and sensations to just "be" while you remain unconcerned. Start engaging in life.

 

Thanks for your reply i appreciate it!

Yeah ive heard things like these before, when i read it again now i feel a little bit better about my situation. It is so hard to think that the pain in my shoulder and back could be because of only my brain but i have readt about it and i know it's possible but when it happens to yourself it seems like it's not the case i guess.

It's just when i am behind the pc again (with already some pain and tired feelings) and i am confident in TMS and dont feel scared it still gets worse and worse until it gets so bad (after a day/few days) that i do get scared.

Yeah i also heard about this, but even when i reassure myself of conditioned responses it doesn't change anything after a few days/weeks i end up being in a lot of pain and exhaustion and thats where i don't know how to continue it seems pgysically impossible at some point.

I have thought about that a lot and i know i am insecure in life expecially around other people (people i dont really know mostly). I think im scared of the world and rather sit home where i am safe. I did write about it etc but didn't do a whole lot for me. I do know i must have issues because of my addiction past and still get urges in the now.

I will try again and i did try before but the annoying part is that it can get so bad that i cant take it anymore and especially when i get a huge panic attack which i cant seem to stop somtimes even when trying to sooth myself etc.. But i have to keep trying

 

And maybe it takes longer with me than the quick heal cases because i guess my life has been pretty dead since i was 21 and started already at 12 getting worse at 18 and from 21-22 its been a disaster. Addictions, depressions etc. So maybe my psyche is just really fucked up and its gonna take more work.

You hear cases of people working, living a decent live and getting pain in their hand/arm at work behind their pc. They got some troubles with their boss, maybe with the authority they use over them. Maybe a case like that is easier solved? I down want to say theirs isnt bad but i dont know just thoought about this just now.. Maybe my TMS is just mega hard to heal because i ignored my psyche badly for a long long time. IDK

 

Hi @Mark122,

Your age, duration of symptoms, emotions, location of symptoms, history of trauma or addictions etc. is all irrelevant in terms of your ability to get better. You have your whole life ahead of you and tbh you haven't been on the planet long enough to even have such entrenched patterns lol! There are people who were bedridden for 20 years who got better, people in their late 80's who got better... None of that matters. All that matters is a willingness to do the work and have an open mind. The brain is incredibly neuroplastic and you don't need to make TMS this big scary thing. It's just anxiety and "learned pain" that can easily be unlearned. It's very common and very reversible.

 

Okay thanks for your reply, that does sound nice to hear. I do get motivation to keep going reading these posts so thanks. How would you suggest i go on when im in a lot of pain and my anxiety hits top levels where i can't manage to sit behind the pc for work anymore? Cause this happened today again and i don't want to stop working because il give in but i literally cant keep going my heart exploded almost. Or is it just that i have to keep digging for psychological things and find the root cause. I feel like ive already dug enough but i dont know then. It's hard not to freak out on symptomps when your heart literally races like mad and i feel just sick. Even if i dont freak out it still gets worse.

Now that i heard today that my ex girlfriend who i was with 7 years and broke up with 7 months ago has a new relationship for 4 months already that she deliberately hid from me while still engaging with me in talk you dont have with normal friends my heart really exploded and it felt so unhealthy i was scared because it felt so freaking bad, normally i if i hear somethin like it i would have a reaction too like any sane person but not like this with my heart feeling like it could give in, like a heart attack. Anyway this situation i can understand a little cause i was clearly frustrated. But when sitting behind pc working that i cant understand and i dont know what to do since im not in fear at that moment... But it gets so bad i have to stop.

I feel so bad now because i feel so sick so unhealthy so sad.... I want to move on as well like my ex did i want to show her i can be fun and i can get on wiith my life as well. Instead i am still the same mess as i was before and she is indeed better off without me

 

On a positive note i do notice now that my back pain between shoulder blades is a lot less then when i was stressing about that revealing of my ex. And i am a lot calmer so it definately got a lot worse when i was panicing over that. Maybe thats a good sign for TMS. I still got my other pains but it got worse when panicing over my ex.

 

Hi again @Mark1122 ,

When symptoms and pain are overwhelming you, you have to remind yourself that you are safe and these sensations cannot harm you. They are just signals from the brain...like false alarms. Just allow them to be there and allow yourself to have any feelings that come up as well. If you are feeling fear....just let it be there. There's nothing to "do". Don't fight it. See how much work you can do on the computer without freaking out. If you're not able to do a lot...it's ok...at least you challenged your fear and did a little. It's a matter of practice. If feelings of sadness or loss or grief come up about your ex girlfriend and the breakup, that's ok too! It's normal and nothing to judge. Have compassion for yourself. Allow those emotions to arise and pass through. Emotions are safe just as symptoms are safe. By communicating to your brain that emotions are safe, it will let go of it's grip and stop sending signals to distract and "protect" you. Patience and persistence are the name of the game. See if you can catch yourself in certain negative thought patterns like "my gf dumped me...I'm a loser...I'll never fall in love again....I blew it, etc etc etc" and reach for other more accurate thoughts like "it didn't work out...maybe there was a reason...maybe the timing wasn't right and I have lessons to learn still...maybe there's someone else out there who is meant for me....maybe one day we can try again". Basically allow for possibilities . Every time we suffer, it's an opportunity to learn and grow.

 

Okay thanks a lot. I will try to stay positive an remind myself that it is not dangerous and that nothing is physically wrong with me, even when things get real bad like they are now. I have to overcome this now. And yes i will have compassion for myself, yesterday was just a tough day that some one who you have been with 7 years is lieing and lieing and probably has been lieing all those years. But it's fine now i will stay strong and be positive.

 

Today is still not great i have a deep feeling of despression or something and i feel alone and i feel like i will be forever, like no one really cares about me. I know this is not all true but that is how i feel. I feel like i gave up some things in my life and im mad about it and sad. I am mad that i dont face the world and cant make friends and give and take love. I am mad that i have a deep feeling of failure, i always see what others accomplish and im mad at myself for sitting scared at home and making nothing of myself. Its making me sit safe at home but i actually dont want this deep inside, its just safe to avoid to face what i really need and want.. i even couldnt resist grabbing a drink today and i feel dissapointed and hope i can ever live like a normal person. I am scared alcohol will always follow me and can take me over at any point. But yeah its a negative feedback loop.

I don't know how i became like this, i want to blame my mother and sister somewhere, and somewhere wish i grew up in a different family. I was always a loving child but my mother and sister have always been cold. Now i actually act as if im also cold when i am not deep inside.

I also think bad of myself thats rooted so deeply i guess because i was never good enough for my mom. Only negativity and in my worst times i received a letter from her: You say it would be nice if i said something positive about u sometimes, but there is nothing positive to say about you. Stuff like that.

And i have some very good friends whom i actually dont speak to alot anymore maybe once a month or even less. I always valued those friendships a lot but i guess they don't so thats alos a tough pill to swallow. No one really ever checks up with me but i guess thats normal. I valued friendships highly but they actually shouldnt be valued highly in my experience.

On the positive side i guess i got a lot i still have to sort out in my life, a lot not to avoid anymore, maybe that's what i really need.

 

this evening i went to work some more and my pain and bloated stomach got worse and worse normally i wouldve stopped and told myself tomorrow you will have a rest day to rest ur arm, trapezius etc. But now i went on and on while i got vertico attacks and insane bloating in my stomach but i kept going telling myself its okay, nothing bad will happen its just ur brain making symptoms and i closed my eyes 20 seconds and calmed myself down and that helped a bit and 10minutes later i felt 80% calmer and now i feel not great but alot better than an hour ago while i was still working behind the pc. So i hope this is going in the right direction

 

Today i woke up with extreme exhaustion but i just live my day if im not tired or anything although a bit hard. Also next to my trapezius, shoulder, arm pain my ribs hurt and crack a lot. So kindof weird (ive had this before but now its back and bad again). Anyway just an update and i just live my day normally instead of what i normally would do is worry and take rests and sleep all day. I wont do that now.

 

I went for a run went okay at first but after 12minutes my heart acted up and i stopped and walked further, maybe there was a little fear before but not a lot. I started getting more anxious and when at home i wasnt feeeling great i got light headed a lot. I placed my face in the palms of my hands and sat like that for 10-15minutes i felt lightheaded and extremely tired. After about 45minutes i felt a lot better again. But it was kindof a bad experience and i don't feel like running again because i felt horrible.

 

Hey Mark,

I think you should not just try to push through the pain and other symptoms. You need to calm down your nervous system. That is easy to say, I know.
What helped me was Dr. Hanscom's https://www.amazon.com/Back-Control-surgeons-roadmap-chronic/dp/0988272903
book, specifically the "expressive writing.