Daniel L. New relationship is bringing up TMS pain

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Question

Recently, I have entered a serious romantic relationship. All the fears I have had about not being good enough which I had thought I had put into place have all re-surfaced. As a result, so has the pain. Intellectually, I recognize that I am afraid of getting hurt and that I am trying to ward that off either by throwing up a wall or making sure I maintain my partner's favor through some people-pleasing measures (I get caught up in what is an appropriate compromise). Any advice or questions to ask myself to help navigate this?

 

Answer

I started over-thinking the answer to this question and got stuck for awhile, before realizing that the most obvious answer is the simplest one.

I really hate fear. It’s the worst. Especially the kind of fear that only hinders your chances of continued relationship success. That said, you know what will encourage a decrease in those fears? Facing them.

Right now you’re afraid of not being good enough in the relationship, when your partner in this relationship may not have thought twice about that. Or maybe they have, but the point is you don’t know that yet. You need to talk to them. Tell them that you have insecurities about not being good enough and that you’re working on them, but right now you’re sensitive to that. If they are a good person, they’ll be receptive to talking about this and understand that it’s an area where you need support.

Think of this as an exercise going to war with fear, and this is the final battle. Open, honest conversations are the best remedy for fear in a relationship.

Besides, making a habit of having these kind of conversations in a relationship can only benefit you in the long run.

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Thanks for your response. My boyfriend and I have discussed my fear and my feelings of not being good enough; he is being extremely patient with me. I had always been a believer that the fear I felt in the pit of my stomach was telling me the truth about someone or a situation and I should run (Although I have been known to fight, in relationships, I usually opt for flight). He has been the first one to make me question my fear and consider that what I am feeling is not the reality of the situation, but rather a defense to protect me from getting hurt. However, I am finding it difficult to see past the fear. Where I once was very clear about how I felt about this man, as our feelings intensified, I have found myself wavering... I think out of fear. I have been completely open with my boyfriend and, usually, he does not take the things I say personally despite the fact that I have been quite rejectful of him at times.... he feels it is just my fear talking and not really how I feel.

I am having tremendous pain in my left leg from top to bottom and just experiencing a general feeling of fatigue. No strategy I have employed is working. As a marathon runner, I am completely frustrated. I am supposed to be in training for a fall marathon and I have been barely able to run.

I found this and though it describes me pretty well:
Fearful Avoidant Attachment – A person with a fearful avoidant attachment lives in an ambivalent state of being afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to; they can’t just avoid their anxiety or run away from their feelings. Instead, they are overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms. They tend to be mixed up or unpredictable in their moods. They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go towards others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you. In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.
As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows. They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close. Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner.
How do I get work through the fear to get clear on my emotions??

 

Hi, Guest. I think the replies you've gotten are great. I would just add that you should just believe you are worthy of your new friend's love.
Don't doubt you are worthy of it. Just accept and embrace it and him. Maybe a previous relationship has made you feel unworthy. That needn't have anything to do with the new relationship. I hope you can just relax and enjoy being with the new person. The more you enjoy him. the more he will enjoy you and the better the relationship will be.