Day 32 new pains and new discoveries

[Pietro Carloni]

Hello everyone,
finally I find the time to write on these very difficult days.

The pain in the last month has changed, has moved from the legs to the upper back, a pain that appears at the first light of dawn and some mornings does not let me breathe and forces me to get out of bed.

I'm going through a very difficult period with my wife, after the birth of the second child difficulties and hardships in the family have increased a lot and it's hard to find time and space to take care of myself.
My sense of duty leads me to neglect much of my time and my dreams and I feel very conflicted about it. A conflict often turns into anger and resentment towards my wife, perhaps because unconsciously I hold her responsible for this situation and I can not accept this new family balance.
These difficulties affect my body in a thousand ways and in a thousand fears. sometimes I try to find a new balance and I try to carry out those activities that make me feel good, but most of the time I miss time, strength and desire and I feel only the frustration of not being able to do everything I want .
Despite this, however, I continue to go to work, to take care of my children trying to pretend that the pain is not a problem, but the mind always returns to the pain.

I think I have internalized the fact that it is a mind-body syndrome, but I think it is not enough, to really feel well maybe I have to look myself with more compassion than i usually do, because perhaps only the joy of life can truly heal and make us understand that we deserve all the love of this world.

a warm hug

 

[plum]

You may be going through rough times but you possess the warmth and beauty of heart to endure all this situation throws at you. Certainly be more self-compassionate, and where you can extend some gentle compassion towards your wife. These life-changes are massive upheavals for everyone involved.

When my hubby was first diagnosed with Parkinson's, we muddled through pretty well but as time went on I began to feel the burden of care weigh heavy. My TMS pain went through the roof and my health fell apart.

I recognise your frustration and suggest you do your very best to find a balance between self-care and care for others. I found myself spiralling into resentment for a time and that felt really horrible. These days I swim twice a week and that time out and away provides much needed me-time. We all need this and our TMS is a relentless teacher and guide when we fail to honour our needs.

The truth is our lives have changed. We have to find ways of re-jigging things so that harmony, health and happiness prevail. It really is possible but can take a bit of trial and error to artfully strike it right. Healing is above all creative and along the way we do have to hone the skills that make us resilient yet supple. It's an expansion of who we are, not a diminishment although it can feel that way sometimes.

You'll work it out my dear.

Plum x

 

[Pietro Carloni]

dear Plum,
Thank you for your kind reply and for your words of courage.
Actually, before all this, I did not even know what compassion meant for myself and for others. I was always so taken by problems and difficulties and it is as if at some point I had forgotten who I really am and what really made me happy. Perhaps the resentment is born from this issue and I know that I can not blame anyone for this because it is only my responsibility, yet unconsciously I feel angry and I think that anger is my personal reaction when I'm afraid of something. I can not control this anger that comes out sometimes in an unexpected way.

I understand when you say that it is an expanding process, but there is something in me that through pain and fear forces me intimately to stay still and not to make decisions, even the smallest choices, sometimes they seem extremely difficult to deal with.

As regards the relationship with others it is really difficult to manage the change, especially since I started trying to find more time for myself, I noticed that people do not always understand what is happening, despite the good they feel for us.

How can I make them and my wife understand first of all that all the suffering that prevents us from living well do I need time and space for myself?
How can I understand what makes me feel really good? Sometimes I think I'm fine, but the pain keeps telling me that there's still something wrong and I do not understand the cause.

I agree with you: I'll work it out, I'm already doing it and it's an extraordinary experience