New here - Chronic constipation and identity crisis

[BloodMoon]

My life completely revolves around this symptom, I've made every single decision based on it, which leaves me helpless when it comes to "focus my attention on something else".

'Focusing your attention on something else' can start with something very small. For example, as you go about your day doing the mundane things of life that we all have to do, stop and do an 'active meditation' for half a minute to a minute... if you're sitting you notice the feeling of your back against the chair, you then relax your shoulders, arms and jaw and take a deep breath and then you listen... you hear the clock ticking, the traffic passing by, a bird chirping or whatever. You then get back to the chore or whatever it was that that you were doing. Pepper your day with doing this. It introduces your brain back to noticing things other than how your gut is feeling and opens it up to the possibility of focussing on and doing other (eventually bigger) things. For more on 'active meditation' see https://backincontrol.com/the-4-stages/stage-1-laying-the-foundation/start-active-meditation/ (Active Meditation - Back in Control)

One big challenge for me is that I don't know who I am. I spent all my childhood trying to please my parents so they wouldn't punish me...

I don't know if I'm a sports kind of person, an artistic kind of person, or meditative, or anything. Of course I can try activities, which I do, but everything seems unnatural, as if "living" was like handling a machine and I lost the manual.

I completely understand and relate to this. I had a similar upbringing. At the heart of TMS is not only rage but anxiety; the two are entwined. I suggest reducing your anxiety by doing the 'active meditation' as described above plus other techniques too, to gradually reduce the stress chemicals/hormones that are making it virtually impossible for you to do anything else other than worry about your constipated gut. When you do this, very gradually you gain the capacity to notice things and activities that give you a glimmer of joy and/or a spark of interest. You can then explore those things, with a positive inkling that you might enjoy them or some aspect of them or something connected to them. Also, I'd advise not to look for a category to put yourself in. You are you... and your interests and talents could go across the board and involve the arts, sport, science, meditation. For more on decreasing your stress chemicals see https://backincontrol.com/decreasing-your-stress-chemicals-anxiety/ (Decreasing Your Stress Chemicals (Anxiety) - Back in Control)

 

[Cactusflower]

"I don't know if I'm a sports kind of person, an artistic kind of person, or meditative, or anything. Of course I can try activities, which I do, but everything seems unnatural, as if "living" was like handling a machine and I lost the manual."

Which means you have the wonderful opportunity of finding out who you are! I think LOTS of people feel this way at 31. So now you can go out and simply experience things. Try things that are new, and do the things you enjoy again.
I NEVER thought I'd like yoga, and I do. I enjoy meditation but prefer guided meditations of specific kinds and really detest others...and I don't like complete silence. I enjoy reading and doing crafty things and gardening but when my symptoms were very high, I felt that those were not "my things" - but forcing myself to engage in them again showed me that I love doing those things ... in my own way.
I've never enjoyed sports - I'm not good at that type of sport - I prefer being "active" - walking, dancing (and was a professional dancer for a time), and doing these things in both uncrowded city streets and in nature.
I LOVE certain cities and exploring them but not in the way most people do.

So looking at those things, what do you like? preparing certain foods or eating at certain restaurants? Specific types of books or movies or music? anything at all you find yourself gravitating to (or you USED to but aren't necessarily feeling it now).

The alienation and "weirdness" will pass, I assure you.
I also had a similar upbringing with one parent, although my family looked completely normal to everyone else. It was often subtle and very hurtful. I spent all of my 20's trying NOT to be anything at all like that parent.
However what it taught me was that I was, in many ways because of learned behavior - the control of things (obsessing about symptoms is a form of attempting to control). I've lived with various TMS symptoms from at least the age of 6 when the stomach problems began and continued through much of my life - right now I've had particular set of at least 30 symptoms for about 12 years and they are fading. Many are gone.
You can do this.
You might occasionally get flairs but they aren't anything to fear - this is a normal function of the mind and body when you've not been able to acknowledge or accept feeling the sensations of deep emotions, have stocked away a great well of rage that is subconscious, mix in personality traits and current stressors and it just builds up. Your symptoms might alleviate quickly or enjoy hanging out for a bit because your nervous system is cranked up a bit again.

You might like to try something new, same work - new approach that you can experiment with. Dr. Schubiner's book Unlearn Your Pain, the free SEP on this website which you can slowly, or look forward to Nichole Sach's upcoming book Mind Your Body in which she details simple steps of challenging work that will get you feeling better and help keep you on track by teaching how to incorporate the "work" as a habit you retain for life.

These things will use the tools you already learned to help yourself during those 9 months, but might just put a fresh new spin on things and give you more insite. All you need to do is choose one. Just one.

 

[JanAtheCPA]

I can try activities, which I do, but everything seems unnatural, as if "living" was like handling a machine and I lost the manual.

You might be trying too hard, and putting too much pressure on yourself, as if you are running out of time. You aren't! Lots of people turn their lives around and head in a different direction at all ages.

Don't overthink it.

One activity you can do for absolutely no reason other than health is to start exercising regularly. Take a weekly yoga class which will combine body awareness and mindful breathing. Add a weekly aerobic class, and another for weight training. If you have the money, hire a personal trainer who understands the mindbody connection and the role of fear, who can help to challenge you to expand your comfort level in spite of fear.

Another activity you can do for your health is to learn or enhance your cooking skills in order to cook more meals using starting with real food ingredients. Or learn to cook a new cuisine. Or, you know, divine desserts (although I'm not sure I can legitimately advocate desserts as healthy, even if they are made from scratch ...)

These are two activities that will enhance your life and your health and which everyone (IMHO) should be doing anyway.

 

[narcissus1888]

You might be trying too hard, and putting too much pressure on yourself, as if you are running out of time. You aren't! Lots of people turn their lives around and head in a different direction at all ages.

Don't overthink it.

One activity you can do for absolutely no reason other than health is to start exercising regularly. Take a weekly yoga class which will combine body awareness and mindful breathing. Add a weekly aerobic class, and another for weight training. If you have the money, hire a personal trainer who understands the mindbody connection and the role of fear, who can help to challenge you to expand your comfort level in spite of fear.

Another activity you can do for your health is to learn or enhance your cooking skills in order to cook more meals using starting with real food ingredients. Or learn to cook a new cuisine. Or, you know, divine desserts (although I'm not sure I can legitimately advocate desserts as healthy, even if they are made from scratch ...)

These are two activities that will enhance your life and your health and which everyone (IMHO) should be doing anyway.

Hello there, and thank you for the reply. This is very funny because the last few days, it occurred to me that I should exercise regularly, for overall health and wellbeing, and not as a means to end my specific symptom. I started with a small stretching routine in the morning, and it helps a lot with overthinking and anxiety