New here and trying to escape pain, obsession and despair

Thank you I may fall, but I'll get back up.

 

[QUOTE="Baseball65"

When I reach the point where I am no longer interested in what I have to offer me...than I am totally free, open and the pain goes away.[/QUOTE]

Wow, Baseball65! This was an ah ha for me! Thank you!

 

My pain journey is fascinating in how the pain jumps around. Friday was my right neck and trap. Sunday was my right neck and trap. This morning it was my lower back, and now it's a spot I've experienced in the past on my upper bicep that hurts today. Normally I would be panicking, upset and catastrophizing, but I am looking at it from the point of, "What am I feeling emotionally?"

 

Excellent! Plus, we always get all excited when our symptoms move around because it means we are putting our TMS brain on the run. It’s trying different tactics to scare you because it knows you’re not believing it anymore. That’s one of the first signs of getting better.

 

I'm making progress, but TMS likes to give me another test after I pass the previous test. So my IT band, which is always tight, was worse yesterday. I don't freak out about except when I feel it in my knee. That definitely triggers catastrophic thoughts. My goal today is to stick to telling myself its TMS and to focus on what I'm feeling, which is a lot if anger at being a goodist in the past, at the expense of mysekf and as a result being taken advantage of by others.
I did a workout yesterday despite my IT band, although I did speak to a trainer and warmed up properly. I wasn't going to do it, but I'm determined to get back into the shape I was in a year ago. I did it, and I'm glad I did.

 

Does this sound like TMS? Sorry in advance for the long story. Last May i bought new sneakers from a store in which they pick ones after having a machine check your feet and gait so that they are right for you. This one particular salesman helped me, and it wasn't long after when I started having soreness in the sides of my knees and calf that moved around. I tried different sneakers at other stores snd went to PT. The soreness moved around my knee, the sides of my knee and my calf. It would go away for awhile and then come back. I had my knees xrayed in August and the dr said they were perfectly normal for my age. In November I went to the original store, told a saleswoman the story. She said I was given the wrong sneakers and fitted me for new ones. The pain went away I go back to the store a few days ago and the salesman who sold me the original sneakers was there. I said i just wanted a new pair of the ones I bought from the saleswoman. I stand and walk a lot during the day so footwear is important. He said the kind I have has been updated but were basically the same. It was the same brand and kind so I bought them even though I kind of blamed him for the knee pain in the first place. He did use the machine to check my feet and how I walked. Anyway, a couple days later the pain has come back. I'm wondering how much is my IT band which is chronically tight, the sneakers or my TMS. I obsess and catastrophize about my knees and becoming incapacitated, but I'm trying to use this program to not do that. Ironically, I was literally just thinking my knees have been great for quite some time, and I feel I've really been making progress.

 

Jimmy,
Is there any reason in particular that you focus your fear on your knees? Usually TMS hits a spot of some kind of significance. Maybe that can be a good place for you to dig.

 

Thank you, @JanAtheCPA. This morning I wrote all about my repressed anger and childhood incidents to help me focus on that and not body parts. I got much better at that when it comes to my back, neck and abdomen pains. My knee is a little scarier because I fear being trapped and not able to be active. I am focusing today on that emotion and other issues that distress me. The knee is a new mental battle, though. As you say, I have to not stay focused on the body parts. I did look at my post and took out all the parts about body parts.

Thank you as well, Diana-M. I am obsessed with always using the gym, exercising, eating healthy. Also, I take public transportation to and from my job which requires me to be standing and moving around most of the day. The knee going means, in my mind, the end of everything: being able to support myself, enjoy life through activity, having control, basically.

Thank you both for listening, responding and helping me keep focus. I appreciate you

 

Hi, Jimmy,
My current symptoms have temporarily taken my mobility—so my “worst” fears have actually happened. And I can tell you that life still exists. I’m realizing that no one and nothing can take away your joy unless you give it away. And the same is true with mobility. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You would find a way to still live and work. Don’t let your bully TMS brain bluff you. Maybe you could laugh at the fear? Tell your brain you can’t be conquered. (Because you can’t be!) plus, the good news is, you have TMS, and NOTHING is actually wrong with you. You can get out of this!

 

@JanAtheCPA has inspired me to write a post without mentioning a body part. This is actually a challenge for me because I have been brought up with this belief to keep some things "secret." Also, I'm such a "goodist" I think I'll be bothering people by "trauma dumping. "
Anyway, my TMS symptoms started last year literally within meeting snd starting a relationship with someone for whom the feelings were very intense. I had not been in a relationship in about 20 years. The relationship is same sex and conflicts with my Catholic religion, which I do practice because I believe in the teachings of Christianity. That same week my mom's health took a turn for the worse and she hovered toward death off and on until she finally passed in March. I was raised very traditional, so there was quite a bit of homophobia. I came out to my parents and they did not take it well and told me never mention it again. My father became sick, then my mom after he passed. My mom had cancer, survived it, then ended up in a nursing home. I repressed my anger and still did everything I could to support them,including helping pay my mom's bills and visiting her twice a week which was not easy because she needed a lot of care. My partner and I are still in relationship, but in addition to a lot of anger I have from emotional and sexual abuse as a child, I have a fear of abandonment. Therefore, when my partner saus or does something that upsets me I most often withhold my feelings because I have this notion that if I express whom I really am or how I feel I will be abandoned. This program has helped me focus on all this anger I've been carrying around. I am in the middle of Dr. Sarno's book The MindBody Connection. So when @JanAtheCPA asked what I was really trying to tell everyone nice enough to read my posts, I guess this is it, which was not easy to write.

 

Good for you, @Jimmy Todd ,
I bet that was hard to write! But now you have become vulnerable and revealed your true self to us. This will help you heal. It sounds like you have lived through a lot of pain. I’m sorry you had to! I’m glad you are reading The MindBody Prescription.

I’m sure there’s a lot to unload!

I think this is really difficult. But it’s enraging to hold stuff in. I recently told my husband of 27 years that his drinking was intolerable to me. I have been so miserable, but afraid to tell him. What if it was a deal-breaker. Well, it wasn’t. And it felt so amazing to get through that and after his initial anger, have him respond favorably to something I have kept hidden. Each time you let a little bit of your true self out, you get bolder and bolder. At least, that’s what has happened for me.
❤️

 

I have been listening to Dan Buglio on youtube and he brought up something interesting that one of his success stories said. She said that she realized it wasn't the pain it was the fear she had to address. Once she dealt with that the pain dissipated. This has me focusing on fear, as well as anger, as opposed to pain.

 

Yes! Sarno states that we are to focus on the psychological!

 

Today will be a challenge to focus on the psychological. I was doing really well with it the past two weeks, but yesterday I did planks with walkouts. Nothing hurt, but later when I was focusing on stressful things with my therapist and financial issues, my right trap started to hurt. This morning it's pretty sore and my mind is catastrophizing. I don't even know if the planks did it, it just popped into my mind, and I though, "It's my fault." The other day I was doing a SEP writing exercise and wrote about a fear I always have is that a situation will be my fault. Anyway, I'm trying to reign in my mind.

 

You got this. Don’t go there to the physical. Think psychological! Maybe journal on the issues you talked with your therapist about?

 

Bingo.

 

“wrote about a fear I always have is that a situation will be my fault”

Great! Now you know a trigger! That’s a big one for me too!

people make mistakes because we are humans.
Mistakes can be reversed.
99% of the time it isn’t your fault! When situations came up I’d normally blame myself for making poor decisions, I practiced not blaming myself and seeing were or whom was at fault and instead of being resentful, felt the anger once and clearly communicated that I expected that person to put it to rights. After a few times, the trigger is so much softer!