New here and on day three

[Jules]

Hello all,

I am on day three of the structured program, although this is not new to me, as I have been trying to get rid of chronic pain using Dr. Sarno's methods for the past four years. Obviously, there are still many emotions I haven't been able to bring to the surface and process, or my pain would have gone by now.

I am seeing a therapist, who has helped me with a number of emotions, primarily anger from being bullied as a child, by my classmates, as well as my twin brother who just hated life.

This Trumatic experience followed me through the years, all the way into adulthood, where I was so concerned about how people thought of me that I would do anything to make them accept me, including things that I didn't want to do, which of course was enraging.

My therapist correlated something that I didn't even think about, and that was that as a child I always wondered what I did wrong to deserve being bullied, and into adulthood, what I have done wrong to have this chronic pain. This makes a lot of sense. It really made me think about putting up a wall, and that is that I can control my pain, whereas as a child, I couldn't control being bullied.

Anyway, I feel like I need to get to where at least dealing with these angry feelings and emotions from childhood, will finally help me find a way to deal with the traumas of my adulthood life, including almost dying after the birth of my third and last child.

I finally have acccepted that I have TMS 100%. And after almost 20 years of chronic pain, I finally have a huge amount of hope that I can finally be pain-free again.

I look forward to getting to know people on this forum and hopefully we can support each other through this challenging but rewarding journey.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Hi, Jules. Your post is very interesting. I'm thinking that perhaps some thing or things recent in your life may have triggered anger from the past... such as bullying. Maybe you're even bullying yourself, as you recognize you are a people pleaser so you can be liked by others. These things put a lot of emotional pressure on a person and you know from reading about TMS, that can cause physical pain. It will take work on your part, but I suggest you try to ease up on your expectations of yourself and also what you want from others.

Try journaling to discover why your twin bullied you. She may have had her own TMS pain. By understanding her better, you can work on forgiving her. She may be at the root of your TMS pain. Forgiveness is the great healer.

There are some good videos on YouTube about forgiveness and also self-esteem you might watch.

 

[Jules]

I thought about the self-bullying. It makes sense. I think maybe because I figured no one else would love me, then why should I love myself. I wanted that, but my dad had a near death experience just a couple months after me and my twin brother was born, and I felt like even though it wasn't our fault, per se, because of the extent of his injuries, he had to learn how to walk again, and we were not allowed to climb up on his lap and couldn't hold us for quite a while, which I think subconsciously we thought he didn't love us.

Couple that with the bullying as a child as well as the many times we moved and instability, along with traumatic experiences that happened to me, I think was the catalyst to chronic pain.

I have seen many videos, and have read many books, I just needed to finally accept that my pain was 100% TMS.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

We moved a lot when I was growing up. That left me with insecurity.

You're doing a great job of analyzing your childhood experiences. You may just have to finally let them go and forgive everyone. And live in the present. Not easy, but I suggest you work on tjose issues. Have as much fun as you can.

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi Jules and Welcome!

Like Walt, I enjoyed reading your post. You know so much about what may be the root causes of your TMS. It is great to see you have such insightful support in your psychotherapist.

My therapist correlated something that I didn't even think about, and that was that as a child I always wondered what I did wrong to deserve being bullied, and into adulthood, what I have done wrong to have this chronic pain.

The core sense of wrongness and being hurt --perhaps because you were wrong, seems to be a very deep place. Even now, you are wondering what it is you "did wrong" or "did not do enough right of" in working with Dr. Sarno's theory. It may be helpful to simply feel the core wrongness and lack of outer support, fear of not being OK, as experienced by deeper, tender parts of you. We all have these places, but few dare to tread! It may be that your search for more specifics to discover and feel is not needed, so much as an appreciation, growing deeper, of the suffering you have had, and how this wound "does not want to be felt." Knowing these tender places, directly knowing they exist, through experience, gives us great evidence of Dr. Sarno's theory. And it sounds like you have attuned support to go very deep.

I say this. because in my own case I never made a great specific discovery about "what deep feelings do not want to be felt." Rather, I already knew myself deeply, and it was just connecting Dr. Sarno's theory to what I already knew about myself, which helped me. As soon as I accepted his theory, then I could explain my symptoms, because I knew there "was a war going on down deep." Until I really accepted Dr. Sarno's work, though, I could not believe my inner life could possibly be causing me so much pain. Now I know.

I wish you the best in your work here, and only make these comments to stimulate your thought.

Andy B