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Need to get this out

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by kimaya, Jul 17, 2018.

  1. kimaya

    kimaya Peer Supporter

    I started sep iam on day 18 I maintained a dairy to write my lists and feelings on it today accidentally my mom read 2-3 pages of it starting were past stressors thankfully i saw her and snatched it away i felt a sudden rush of emotions when i saw it i just wanted to dug a deep hole and get in it
    It was so overwhelming i wanted to cry and she started asking some questions , she was never there in my anxiety struggle since childhood she doesn’t even know a single thing about them because all she cared about was my brother (she always wanted a boy yes these things do exist even today) i have always felt neglected.
    But with what happened today i was never overwhelmed or this embarrassed in my whole life iam not even able to face her all i want to do is cry and sleep hoping it would be over tomorrow
  2. plum

    plum Beloved Grand Eagle


    Crying and sleeping are probably the two best healers for you right now. What happened today must have felt horrible, but you truly have no reason to feel embarrassed. Those pages were personal and it is an invasion of your privacy that your mum read them. This action is telling in itself and maybe something to explore through journaling at a later date. (You may also consider journaling digitally on a device that is solely yours and has password protected options).

    For now though treat yourself kindly and rest. The intensity of these experiences fade with time. Try not to dwell on it too much.


    Plum x
    Time2be, karinabrown and kimaya like this.
  3. Bodhigirl

    Bodhigirl Well known member

    So sorry to hear!
    Sending a prayer that you get some autonomy from mom!
    Such an invasion, so glad you stopped the process. As Plum said, password protected devices are best for private journaling. I second that.
    Don’t stop! We are rooting for you to continue and recover. Most of us had parents who didn’t understand our anxiety. It’s so lonely in those childhoods. All three of us kids were anxious. And the adults were skeptical of our feelings.
    Take good care!
    kimaya likes this.
  4. ash86

    ash86 Peer Supporter

    Hi Kimaya, I am sure that was so difficult for you to go through!

    Right now, I am reading The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. And it's possible that today can be seen as the first step toward forgiving your mother. I think forgiveness is a big part of healing from tms. Desmond has a fourfold path toward forgiveness. And telling your story is the first step. Maybe reframing about your mom reading your journal into the first step toward forgiving her, which really is for our peace, will help?
    Time2be and kimaya like this.
  5. Ivanka

    Ivanka Peer Supporter

    I always burn my journaling as soon as I am finished.

    I had a really traumatic experience when I was younger. My parents found my journal, they took it to the therapy group we were all attending at the time and they were reading it out aloud in my presence.
    There was some pretty heavy stuff inside and they judged me harshly for every single word.
    Since then I am sort of afraid to write, although I find writing therapeutic. That is why I decided to continue writting and just burn everything. It helps me feel calmer.

    I am sorry this happend to you. But don't get discouraged. Just try to find a way to get some privacy. There is always a way.
    kimaya likes this.
  6. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    I used to keep a journal, for many years. I decided this year to destroy each of them. They only writing I kept were the poems I wrote (one of my pleasures in life). Although I never had the horrible experience you had as a younger woman/child I was concerned that these journals could/would be misconstrued at the least. Dr Hanscom who wrote "Back in Control" advised his readers to destroy their journaling just after writing. I have done this and actually find it very uplifting. Letting go of past hurts, trauma, whatever. Try it to see.

  7. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    Sorry Ivanka, I reread and see that you are also destroying your journals. I think kimaya may find some solace if following your lead in this.

  8. MWsunin12

    MWsunin12 Beloved Grand Eagle

    I'm sorry to read this. She was probably looking to see if you had written down anything about her.
    The most painful thing must be that she demonstrates that she favors your brother over you.
    It will always hurt. One thing that can help is to find a woman who can be a mother figure to you, someone who likes you for you.
    This will prove to yourself that you are lovable.

    Don't do anything to create pain for yourself simply because your mother is so self-involved that she would disrespect your privacy.
    You get to be a human being with human emotions. End of story.
    kimaya likes this.
  9. kimaya

    kimaya Peer Supporter

    Thank you everyone for your kind words iam on the mend since that incident happened one thing which i found disturbing which i still do is i never share alot of things with my mom so she doesn’t know most of the times what iam going through but even when she did see my emotional state she just asked me some question about someone (like who is she) entirely unrelated to me and just ignored it didn’t even try to understand what iam going through she just ignored it and moved on like nothing happened which is really difficult for me to grasp , if any such thing would be happening to my child i would make sure to atleast understand the situation
    I know she never wanted me but still it hurts
  10. Time2be

    Time2be Well known member

    Could you seek psychological help? What you experienced is hard, I really sympathize. I am not sure if forgiveness is the right goal for you right now. As I see it you need to find stability in yourself and in the long run being able to tell your mum how you experienced her. This will put you in a position to decide what kind of contact you want to have with her. But that’s nothing that can be done in a few days or weeks.
    plum and Lainey like this.
  11. kimaya

    kimaya Peer Supporter

    I do want psychological help but sadly it’s very expensive also I don’t earn yet iam in college so iam entirely dependent on my parents
    It’s my last year of college though i’ll be getting job next year until then i think i’ll have to rely on self help
  12. Lainey

    Lainey Well known member

    Depending upon where you go to school....Sometimes the counseling/psych dept. offers free counseling, at a campus based clinic. The therapy is usually done by graduate students who are studying/becoming therapists who are under the supervision of a counselor/therapist. This may be free (depending upon the school).
    Time2be and plum like this.

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