Need help NOW

[marley16]

I cannot believe I am back here posting on this forum as it was my obsession with TMS and healing myself that catapulted me into worse symptoms (how ironic)

Here's my background -

2010 traumatic event that caused alot of shame - 6 weeks later felt dizzy and it didn't go away (still hasn't) but was managed by antidepressants and I lived a full(ish) life

Definitely had some relationship and emotional problems along the way but no change in symptoms. In fact I lived a pretty wild life - lots of partying, drugs, infidelity on my part and others, drama etc

2016 I had a health scare after doing some drugs which caused numb hands and I found the tmswiki - numb hands cured! Could I also apply this to my dizziness? I threw myself into the process.

At the same time I had just met my husband and I had some doubts in the past few months and was still chatting to a few other potential guys - ultimately I realised that was a silly thing to do and committed to my new relationship.

Here's where it gets interesting - my now husband proposed, I was getting more obsessed with the perceived monster that is TMS, anxiety and dizziness were increasing and suddenly BOOM my emotional side exploded - how could I have betrayed my husband by entertaining other guys? I felt so ashamed and felt I needed to confess it all to him which I did, but it didn't alleviate my own pain - in fact I was then obsessed with any events in the past where I had acted in a way that I was ashamed of (and there are MANY given how wild and reckless I was at times)

I think somehow I made the connection in my brain that all these things I have done are the REASON for my symptoms and BOOM the symptoms get even worse again. This time I have to quit work - I am going through almost suicidal emotional and physical pain - going over past events again and again in my head.

I abandoned TMS work altogether and went back to the doctors for more pills for dizziness. Things improved slightly as I got back to life and then had a baby 7 months ago.

I still had this underlying sense of anxiety and also the dizziness but I was living life again - very active and managing easily to take care of my baby. But I still wanted answers to the dizziness itself... And I returned to searching the TMS literature...

And now I'm suddenly back obsessing about the past, what deep emotional problems I must have, how can I get out of this situation etc.

I can't sleep, eat or function other than to take care of the basics my baby needs. I have no idea why or how I am going through the same thing again and replaying old issues over and over (I think I'm seeking the holy grail as Steve o Calls it) but it is NOT helping and I am really struggling with life.

I have no idea what I am asking except for some insight as to where I have gone so wrong with TMS healing and where the way out might be this time

 

[marley16]

Also I have really tried the "don't fear the symptoms" approach - perhaps I haven't got it right? I have tried feeling my emotions but all I can feel is anxiety. I know I am ashamed of my past actions but surely things that happened AFTER my initial symptoms can't be the root cause of it all? I am so so so confused and very aware that I am over analysing everything but cannot stop and its ruining my life

 

[David88]

TMS can take a long time and a lot of work to overcome. Don't get down on yourself because you have gotten stuck and frustrated. It can happen to anyone.
Have you consulted a TMS professional, either a doctor or therapist?

 

[Andy Bayliss]

Hi marley16,

It might help to simply understand that you're prone to TMS, and a sort of "obsessive mind," and treat this very matter-of-factly. This takes the ability to witness, without putting more fuel on the fire.

I get that you're suffering, and then you're fearful about how to get out of it, and you're pressuring yourself to figure it out, and do the right course. All this can be witnessed. It is OK, all this stuff. It may not feel OK, but you're scaring yourself. From a distance, it is normal, and expected when the mind spins. I think the worry is a greater activation than the symptoms at this point, a greater distraction.

Have you tried a month or two of say 20 minutes per day mindfulness meditation? How about turning your thoughts toward satisfying moments through the day? In short, it might help to attend to your mind, and not worry so much about the TMS techniques per se right now. The mindfulness training will help immensely with TMS, because you learn to not "believe everything you think."

Andy