Need help/feeling hopeless

[ikreim2]

Hi All,

I've been an active member on the TMS forum for many years now. I've known about TMS for almost 5 years and have journaled periodically since then. I've had all the TMS symptoms you can possibly think of, but my number 1 symptom that has been a constant struggle has been my anxiety. I have never been able to get a handle on my anxiety.

My anxiety particularly heightened when I got engaged two years ago. I got married 5 months ago. I know that a lot of my anxieties are from my childhood and my parents fighting all the time. I feel like I've done all the digging I can, yet my anxiety persists. Not only does it persist, it feels like it's getting worse. Sometimes, I get the most irrational fears that I don't even want to share because they're so embarrassingly irrational and silly.

I also have been having varying episodes of insomnia where I only sleep a few hours a night for many weeks on end. The lack of sleep + anxiety seems unbearable right now so I'm just trying to get through each day without falling asleep at the office.

Also, I've been going to therapy for 4 years now as well and it definitely helps, but I just feel very hopeless. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but this last month has been incredibly hard for me. Please, if anyone has some words of encouragement, please feel free to send them my way. Thanks for listening and I appreciate any help you all can provide me.

Thanks,
ikreim2

 

[Tennis Tom]

Are you seeing a TMS therapist? You don't have any info in your profile here, some info would be helpful, it's hard to give advice to someone you know nothing about.

 

[Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)]

Ilan, have you gone through the Structured Education Program? It's a great way to learn why you're
in pain and how to get over it.

The sleeplessness is probably because you're thinking or worrying so much about healing.
When I go to sleep, I try to live in the present moment and tell myself I am going to be sleepy.
Deep breathing and saying a positive matra help. I also tell myself that I will leave to tomorrow
anything that troubles my mind and keeps me from sleeping.

 

[ikreim2]

Tennis Tom, I've been seeing a therapist who Dr. John Stracks, a TMS physician, referred me to for about a year. Before that, I was going to another therapist, but I wanted decided to change it up after not seeing any major results. My current therapist is not a TMS therapist per se, but Dr. Stracks works with many therapists who he thinks are credible for helping guide patients in their healing process.

To give you an overview, I started having TMS pain 5.5 years ago when I graduated from college. I was a hypochondriac and worried about my health relentlessly. I couldn't stop worrying for almost a year. I had back pain for a year and went to physical therapy for many months. Nothing worked. I then randomly came across Sarno's book and read it. Obviously, I was very intrigued and knew that I was the person that Sarno described in the book. I've always been very prone to pleasing people (specifically my parents), trying to do good, and overworking at anything I have to do. I am the typical TMS character type.

I've learned over the last 5 years that I have an immense amount of anger towards both of my parents. I grew always having to witness my parents fighting and yelling all the time. My parent immigrated here from a foreign country when I was very young, but my mom never wanted to leave. My mom has resented my Dad ever since, and she makes it very clear to him when they get into arguments. My Dad also had a really bad temper when I was growing up. He never physically abused me, but he was always very harsh with me. He expected a lot out of me when I helped him around the house and when I didn't do something correctly, he would get very angry and scold me for it. When I wouldn't help out around the house, he would make me feel guilty.

When I didn't have that to deal with, I dealt with my Mom's Jewish guilt. I always had to adhere to her needs when she would get into an argument with my Dad because she was always the victim. I always had to provide her with emotional support, yet no one would really take care of my emotions. All of those emotions have stayed with me over the years making me think that I am not safe. My mom always made me feel guilty when I didn't do something that she didn't like. So I have a hard time doing things that I want to do when someone else doesn't agree. I know when I got married, these anxieties were amplified, but I still am having a tough time letting go of a lot of these suppressed emotions. I know that every relationship isn't perfect and my wife and I do have work to do, but I really don't think I made the wrong decision to marry her.

I feel like the more I dig into my emotions, the more anxious I get. I've tried meditation and journaling more often than I used to, but I seem to continue to be anxious. I fixate over irrational fears that make me really anxious. A year and a half ago, I got anxious thinking I contracted HIV even though it was impossible for that to happen to me. I've had anxieties about going to jail and being raped. I always fixate over really extreme irrational fears so it's been very difficult for me to stay positive.

I hope this is a more detailed overview that you were looking for. Let me know if you want me to give you more details of my childhood.

Also, thanks, Walt. I appreciate your suggestion.

 

[nowtimecoach]

ikreim2 - Well it certainly doesn't sound like fun... what you're experiencing!! UGH! Throw in a couple of nights of no sleep and I can just imagine how your anxiety is having a field day. I am currently reading Dr. Martin Rossman's book The Worry Solution. Its really excellent. There was a post with a youtube of him talking about what happens in our brains when we worry or have anxiety. Take a look at it because the more information you have about how your brain is scaring you to death, the more probable it is that you can have some control over it. (Well at least when you can get some sleep!!!) Here is the link http://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/turning-anxiety-into-calmness.5861/
If you go on Youtube - you can get some other meditations also. But I do recommend the book. Its helped me a lot! Good luck and keep us posted. You Will Get Better!!!

 

[Steve Ozanich]

Hang in ikreim, I've seen people like you get much better. You're suffering from attachment disorder. Commitment is an enraging thing to a perfectionist that doesn't feel worthy of love. The problem is, you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself first. Your wife closes your proxemic space.

Healing comes from within you, there's work to be done.