1. Alan has completed the new Pain Recovery Program. To read or share it, use this updated link: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/painrecovery/
    Dismiss Notice

Need advice and support to draw a boundary

Discussion in 'Support Subforum' started by SunnyinFL, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. SunnyinFL

    SunnyinFL Well known member

    The more I work this program, the more I recognize steps I need to take in my life to feel my emotions and address stressors which are in my control. Here is one stressor that has been weighing on me - although a relatively minor type of stress, it causes me to worry and prevents me from caring for myself, which then makes me feel frustrated, irritated, and angry: When I go to the gym, I do it for me, it's my time, and I've started doing (silent) affirmations while I work out (i.e., "I am healthy," "I am safe") -- I'm finding this powerful! But, there is one male who constantly interrupts me and will stand and talk to me about whatever is on his mind. He does not respond to my hints (i.e., "I need to finish and get to an appointment" or just backing up and walking away (he follows me)). It's so frequent that I dread going to the gym, even though it's important to me. I have promised myself I will draw a clear boundary so I can get my own needs met (i.e., looking forward to going to the gym and using it as time to care for myself). Can anyone - especially a male - tell me what exactly I need to say to make my boundary stick, without making a big scene (because we live in the same community - I don't want to create a new awkward problem while trying to fix this one!)?
    Reza2kn and David88 like this.
  2. Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021)

    Walt Oleksy (RIP 2021) Beloved Grand Eagle

    Sunny, maybe that guy is just flirting with you. He's a real jerk to stop you from exercising. He obviously only cares about himself.

    Maybe tell him you need to finish exercising so you can hurry home to your husband and four kids! Mention that your husband is a policeman.

    If worse comes to worse, just tell him you don't have time to listen to him. Who cares if you hurt his feelings. I don't think he has any. Some people like that are just self-absorbed.

    I always loved taking my dog for walks, but then a woman moved next door who is married with two little kids and began taking their dog for walk and we walked our dogs together. But she would stop and talk to all the neighbor women who we passed. I got tired of standing and waiting so I began walking on with my dog. I got tired of listening to her and her girlfriends, so I started walking in the other direction. I worked. Problem solved.
    Tennis Tom likes this.
  3. David88

    David88 Well known member

    Sometimes guys are slow on the uptake. He's not getting your hints, so be direct. Use a matter-of-fact, level tone:

    "Excuse me, Joe, I want to concentrate on my workout. I don't want to talk."

    Be polite, but not apologetic.

    If he keeps talking, don't escalate. Say it again in the same tone. Repeat until he gets the idea that he's not going to win.

    Let us know how it goes.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2015
  4. Mala

    Mala Well known member

    I'm not male but here are my suggestions for what they r worth.

    Maybe go at a time he is less likely to be there.

    Put some earphones on & pretend u don't hear him.

    Tell him politely "I'd really like to chat but I need to focus on my workout. Maybe we can talk later over a juice."
    That is if u think u would like to speak to him. Then when u r more relaxed u can explain better why u don't want to be disturbed.

    Then again u may want to examine why such a minor thing is bothering you & worrying you.

  5. David88

    David88 Well known member

    Mala, respectfully, this does not sound minor to me. The man is repeatedly interrupting Sunny's workout, and even following her around the gym when she walks away. That's boorish behavior, at least, and shouldn't be minimized.

    Sunny, trust your instincts about this man. What do they tell you? Is he just the typical self-centered, clueless male? If so, you're doing him (and everyone) a favor by telling him how you expect to be treated. Or does he seem creepy? If so, you might have to alert the gym management, or even find another place to go.

    It's hard to give advice in a situation like this, not being there to see it. These things can be complicated to figure out. Most likely he's just being clueless, and will leave you alone if ask him to. But one thing I'm sure of -- trust your gut about him. It's your best guide.
    Reza2kn likes this.
  6. balto

    balto Beloved Grand Eagle

    I love this. Yes, this work many time. I have witnessed it. When the guy try to have a conversation with my friend at the gym despite the fact that she is having her head phone on. She politely told him to hang on a minute until she is finish with her favorite song. hehe, that was an hour long song.
    Mala likes this.
  7. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    Wear headphones.
  8. Mala

    Mala Well known member

    Last edited: Jul 27, 2015
  9. Reza2kn

    Reza2kn New Member

    Since I get into these situations in the gym myself , I'd say be totally frank.

    Say : I Wanna do this set. Just Go and do your set , get focused on your reps. The headphone thing is good too , but changing your plan to arrive at some other time that he may not be there doesn't sound like a powerful choice to me.. We're here to face our problems , not runaway from them.

    While I think It just could be the flirting thing too, You could make it totally clear to him that your going to do your sets. you could also talk to other people there who you might like. and if worse comes to worse , you could talk to one of the managers about this guy if you're not that comfortable with confrontations (I don't recommend it though) ;)

    Good Luck beerbuds
    Tennis Tom and David88 like this.
  10. SunnyinFL

    SunnyinFL Well known member

    Thanks so everyone. David88, thanks so much for giving me a script to follow from a male's perspective - I used it and drew my line in the sand this morning. I hope it's effective!
    David88 likes this.
  11. Tennis Tom

    Tennis Tom Beloved Grand Eagle

    Hope that works, if not next step is talk to management and tell them you are being harrassed.
  12. David88

    David88 Well known member

    Good for you! Let us know how it works out.

Share This Page