My TMS therapist said I'm "Recovered". Now I am having a big symptom flare.

[Celayne]

I've been seeing her for three years. I think I have been close to feeling 100% healed for a least a year, but I liked the security blanket of knowing I always had another appointment coming up "just in case". In fact, most of the times in the past year when appointment day came, I would wish I hadn't booked it but I didn't want to be a last minute cancellation. I would have to pay anyway, and I didn't want to burn bridges.

Now she is going on maternity leave. I've known about it for a couple of months and was actually glad for the upcoming break. Earlier, we talked about referring me to a different therapist but I didn't want to do that. I was ready to go it alone, and she agreed. It sounded like we would just have a longish break but it wasn't The End. This week, though, it sounded very final and "this is goodbye, good luck to you".

It all seemed so great, so freeing. Cured! I was so happy after our final appointment! I was ready to move on. Now with this unpleasant and anxiety-provoking flare up of my symptoms, I am not so sure. Is it fear of the unknown? My brain feeling rejected, abandoned? The anxiety of a major change?

I've done all this before and come through it just great. Mentally and emotionally, I've felt 100% healed; physically 95% but I thought the physical would follow the rest eventually. Today, I've felt back at Square One, although that isn't possible. I have learned too much in the pst several years.

Just writing this has calmed me down, let me explore the feelings I wasn't acknowledging.

If anyone else has had a similar experience after ending therapy, I'd like to hear about it.

Celayne

 

[Balsa11]

It's ok to miss her and to feel a little uncomfortable with change. Almost any momebt when your attention is not occupied with something else is an opportunity for TMS so it's frustrating but you're not actually back at Square One. Do you have any fun plans for the MLK day weekend?

 

[Cactusflower]

Ceylane!
I feel you. I pretty much freaked when my TMS therapist went on leave, but I still needed someone and found a fantastic new coach, but that too is winding down now.
A dear friend reminded me that winding down is good, that one should not focus on the personal identification of having TMS because its the same pitfall as thinking of oneself as “sick” or helpless.
I look at this as my learning to be more independent and to move forward. I decided to take a Presence Process workshop as another way to support my journey and independence. What can you do to support yourself? My TMS coach joined poetry groups online because that’s her thing.
What do you enjoy that connects you with others, and that supports self kindness and fosters self-confidence? What skills did you learn and utilize earlier in your journey? If they worked then, go back to them and create that similar safe space for yourself or start one of the programs here again. You can do this!

 

[miffybunny]

There's no cure for being human and it's actually terminal lol. When you no longer fear symptoms, you are "healed" so to speak. All sorts of things can pop up in the body throughout the course of our lives. It all depends on how we respond. "Embrace it to erase it". The truth is you don't need the therapist and I'm sure she will stay in touch anyway. All the power is within you...just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.

 

[BloodMoon]

I decided to take a Presence Process workshop as another way to support my journey and independence

Hi @Cactusflower,
Did you find the PP to be of any help to you? And if so, did you do the full 10 weeks and then repeat for one or more times? I'd appreciate hearing your experience with it.

 

[Diana-M]

Today, I've felt back at Square One, although that isn't possible.

I think you are right here. Don’t pay attention to your flare. Fear will fuel it. Just journal and find out what’s on your mind; what’s the conflict? Maybe just allow yourself to be sad because you will miss her, today. Who knows what the future holds. You don’t have to decide now.

Here’s something I love from Hope and Help for your Nerves, by Claire Weekes. I think it applies to you. She’s talking about someone who has recovered from nervous illness:

Your inner core of confidence is there, firm as a rock against any destructive suggestion. This is your security against all further nervous illness. You understand and therefore are unafraid. You know the way in, but you also know the way out. YOU WILL NEVER BE LOST IN THAT MAZE AGAIN. YOU HAVE BEEN RESCUED FROM BEWILDERMENT.

(Capitalization is Dr. Weekes’)

 

[Cactusflower]

Hi @Cactusflower,
Did you find the PP to be of any help to you? And if so, did you do the full 10 weeks and then repeat for one or more times? I'd appreciate hearing your experience with it.

Ha NO! It wasn't a good fit for me at the time, I was so incredibly anxious and it made me far more anxious. I've since found out that this type of reaction to TMS work or this sort of inner work is quite common - my brain was perceiving this as a whole giant new set of responsibility and "fixes" for what was "wrong". Someday I might go back to it. It's a series of lessons with breathing practices and might be wonderful for someone who finds meditations difficult. The book gives you a series of mantras to consider each lesson. I prefer body scan mediations which slow my mind instead of continually engage it.

 

[BloodMoon]

Thanks @Cactusflower. I've got the book and I too might try it later on.