My TMS Story

S

scottyboy8

Peer Supporter
I remember waking up one morning, 2 years ago, and feeling a cramp in my left buttock and was in so much pain that I started laughing. I always thought it was funny that I was laughing, and only now do I understand why, it was because I had something else to focus on that what I was trying to block out from my consciousness.

My "success story" is a little premature, as I am not where I physically want to be (I am 99% better but still don't feel confident enough to play competitive sports and I still haven't gotten rid of the pains that are expected when getting rid of TMS pain i.e. the pain has moved from my left buttock and is now in my shoulder, inflamed tendons or rash form. However, I am pain free and I am for the first time in almost 2 years, feeling positive about the future. Moreover, I am still pessimistic about labelling myself as a success story as I have to overcome an emotional pain that has came on me since I opened up a big can of worms in my head. But, after reading all of the success stories on this forum from my new TMS family, and the reviews on Amazon, I know that I can overcome this.

When I was 2-years-old, my father's brother committed suicide and that had a detrimental effect on my father's mental health, then shortly after his mother died from cancer. My father couldn't handle the emotional trauma and his inability to deal with this separated him and my mother, and turned him into an alcoholic and then a drug abuser. When I first read Sarno's books I attributed all of my pain on my anger towards my father for not being part of my life, as I feel he chose the life of drugs over his own son. I felt abandoned off of someone who is supposed to show me unconditional love. But when I was focussing on this my pain wasn't disappearing. Not completely anyway.

My mother brought me and my sister up herself, with some help from her nuclear family. She was my rock. Then when I turned 18 and was going through a lot of stress with university studies, I discovered my mum had her own drug habit and I she pleaded with me to keep it our secret. My sister has recently had a baby, and my mum has apparently put her drug habit behind her thanks to an ultimatum from my sister. However, this is my real cause of anger I believe. The fact that my mum was my rock, and she knew exactly how much it hurt me that my dad abused drugs and that I felt abandoned, yet she done it to me.

Now I look at it, what my mother did was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, yet at the time I never reacted to it as much as I feel I should/would have. It took me a few days to figure this out, but the second I realised that this was the cause of my repressed anger I burst out in tears and started rolling around on my apartment floor, screaming "I am a good boy, I don't deserve this".

The next morning I woke up and I was feeling better, now after 3 days I feel 95% better. I am now experiencing pain in other parts of my body, but I know that this is TMS and it will go away soon as I know exactly what it is. But to not have the back pain anymore is a Godsend.

To say that mindset has changed in the last few days is an understatement. I live in Bangkok and was getting aggravated by the Thai people every day as they move so slow/try and rip me off because I'm white etc. but now I just don't care, I accept it. I do not mean I repress these bursts of rage, I accept it. The same way that I accept that what my parents did was their own decisions as they were both battling their own demons.

Also, I am working as a football coach/Physical education teacher, and I was always putting pressure on myself from my inner-bully to be the best coach possible, and I wanted to be the highest qualified coach as possible. This was a perfectionist trait that was crippling me. Now I do not even care, it is crazy, and what a relief to not care.

I am going to live in a temple for a few days and meditate and get taught more about acceptance. As I need to learn more about acceptance as I am struggling to come to terms with that maybe my life is predestined after all.

I could write more here but will leave it like this, and if anybody has anything they want to know or ask they contact me or leave a comment on this post.

P.S. I was so skeptical about this as I was a firm believer of Descartes' philosophy as the mind and body being separate entities, BUT if you have one ounce of doubt this will not work, you have to believe it 100%.

Thank you all for listening, thank you Dr. Sarno, and thank you God.

Scott x
 
Hi, Scott. I really like and appreciate your post today. You are definitely a success story.

I relate especially to your feelings about your mother. I had them about my father, too.
They divorced when I was seven, she then married a stranger because he had a house,
which meant a roof over my and my older brother's and sister's heads. A year later she
remarried my birth father, but their old problems returned (money worries during the
1930s Great Depression) and he died ten years later. Soon after, she married one of his brothers,
who had had two previous bad marriages and was a very unhappy man who drank a lot.

Anyway, in journaling I was able to do what you did, learn that my parents had their own
TMS pain from repressed emotions. That led me to forgiving them and that healed my back pain.

Understanding and forgiving are so important in TMS healing. You'll see how great it works.

Meanwhile, keep believing 100 percent in TMS and having faith in it. It's a life-changer, for the better.
 
scottyboy8 said:
To say that mindset has changed in the last few days is an understatement. I live in Bangkok and was getting aggravated by the Thai people every day as they move so slow/try and rip me off because I'm white etc. but now I just don't care, I accept it. I do not mean I repress these bursts of rage, I accept it. The same way that I accept that what my parents did was their own decisions as they were both battling their own demons.

Also, I am working as a football coach/Physical education teacher, and I was always putting pressure on myself from my inner-bully to be the best coach possible, and I wanted to be the highest qualified coach as possible. This was a perfectionist trait that was crippling me. Now I do not even care, it is crazy, and what a relief to not care.
Click to expand...

Hi scottyboy8,

I think you have really seen a miracle in your life, thanks to your hard work to explore and feel what is up for you. When folks talk about how TMS helps us grow, I guess yours is a great example: finding acceptance and feeling a natural growth not to pressure ourselves so much.

I think that as you continue to work on TMS (and see the SEP here by the way, for a good free program), you will have a lot of "evidence" for the cure not only from your pain reducing and moving around, but also by this intense realization of a sort of "pschychological cure" ---a distinct change in attitude about life. When you combine your physical symptom and emotional breakthroughs you have incredible evidence of the whole "Sarno" picture. Congratulations!

Andy B.
 
Hi Andy,

Thanks for your nice words. I have definitely seen a miracle, and have a fresh outlook on the world now. It feels great.

To be honest, I don't think I need to do the SEP as my pain has resided pretty much 95%, but I am still scared to play football (maybe because I am a perfectionist, and I want to be the best player as I am a coach, I am holding onto this syndrome as an excuse for not being the best). So, I think I will give the SEP a try, to see if it can give me my confidence back.

Can I ask, did you do the SEP and are you 100% alleviated from your pain?

Scott
 
Scott, I'm glad you are in far less pain, but hope you will do the SEP.
TMS is not only to be rid of pain but to understand its psychological causes,
repressed emotions and perfectionism. TMS helps us understand ourselves better
and makes us not only healthier, but happier.

I had severe back pain, read Sarno, did the SEP (journaling was especially helpful for me,
to learn repressed anger and other things going back to my boyhood), and the pain left me.
 
Hi Walt,

Many thanks for your help.

I have made the decision to do the SEP thanks to you, so today is day 1.

I will keep you updated on my progress.

Thanks for taking the time and showing an interest in me, it's nice to know people care.

Scott
 
scottyboy8 said:
Can I ask, did you do the SEP and are you 100% alleviated from your pain?
Click to expand...

Hi Scott,

I did not complete the SEP. I only started it. I had already done a couple of months of journaling and inquiry. At the time I started the SEP, I already had had huge relief from symptoms. As I began to engage the SEP, I realized it brought up for me a sense that I needed to do more about my (small remaining) symptoms, and not just ignore them and get on with my life. I realized a sort of perfectionist fuel was added to me, doing the SEP, that made me doubt my progress. This was my experience and it has to do with the pressure I put on myself to perfect and "better" myself. This is part of my TMS personality.

Seeing this, I actually made a conscious decision to move away from the Forum here. To not focus on TMS at all and just go to the mountains, and work and hike, and use the 12 daily reminders. And journal about feelings.

I still have occasional symptoms, which have also moved around some. And I can often connect them with my feeling state at the time, and they subside. I have also learned to ignore them more. I also have had 98% relief in other correlating TMS stuff like a long "whiplash," and cat alergies!

For me it is a process of getting better and better dealing with fear, and "thinking psychologically." I would say that my symptoms are 99% gone, but not "perfect." When I accept that, I am more relaxed and less prone to symptoms.

I don't not do anything because my foot my feel stiff. I just skied around Crater Lake, which was 35 miles in two days with a backpack, alone. This was a challenge for me 20 years ago, and I am proud that I could still do it. This is probably my 15th trip, and I did in the fastest time ever. This, after more than 3 years essentially disabled with the TMS.

Having said that, each person obviously finds their own way, and I am glad you are starting the SEP. I come from a long history of self-exploration, understanding of my own personality, and the inner pressures and inner suffering involved, so in a way, I had a leg up from the beginning. I just needed to connect my feelings of hurt, helplessness, rage and so on to the symptoms. I also have more to learn, and I hope I am open to that.

My best to you in your journey, and my only advice is to be patient, and you will get all of your life back, in a way that works for you. Try to use the SEP to support understanding yourself, and a softening of the habitual ways you might treat yourself. The materials are brilliant. My hope is that you don't focus too much on "progress." Focus on increasingly being with yourself, and the progress will happen.

Sincerely,

Andy B.
 
super advice. I've found a lot of resistance to doing the actual work.
as long as I know the symptoms have emotional origin then improving my interactions in future will hopefully alleviate symptoms. as Sarno says, knowing that the process is a distraction is enough rather than identifying specific hurts etc.
relaxation and doing things you enjoy make a huge difference
 
My 2 cents on doing SEP. I admit to not doing all the exercises, but I did find the material AMAZINGLY helpful. The Alan Gordon video. Nicole Sachs interview. Even if you don't do every single exercise, every day ... it's worth going thru each day for the resources. And, definitely read Steve O's The Great Pain Deception. REALLY helpful. Get the book. I keep referring back to it. Hang in there. I'm not pain free, but working hard towards that. When I have a 'bad' day, if I talk about what I am learning, my pain reduces immediately. Try the Saturday chat sessions. That's been really helpful too. Hope this helps.
 
Thanks for your opinion guys,

I am not sure if the SEP will help me, as I feel it is just reiterating stuff that I already know through reading the books and watching the DVD (I have the DVD on mp4 file if anyone wants it btw).

When I really think about it, I am not even in pain. If the pain just came today I would pay it never mind, but because it has been there for 2 years I feel that it is more of an annoyance and I am associating it with pain. Therefore, I am only interested in the SEP to alleviate any physical restriction, but, as with Irishsceptic, I feel that if I keep thinking about the TMS then it will never 100% go away. If I was to live the rest of my life with this level of pain and physical restriction I would take it, no question about it, so I am not sure if it's worth doing the programme and risking another flare up.

Wendyd, you say you are much more pain free now. I am curious to the reduction of pain this has had on you. What was your pain level before, and what is it at now? Also, what percentile do you 'believe' in the diagnosis?

Again, thank you all so much for your support, wisdom and encouragement.

Scott x
 
Hi Scott,
Not sure what experiences you got from the books and dvd, but the SEP will give you experiential learning, that I do not believe can come from books or dvd. My experience was journaling and exploring made the difference. Again, good luck in finding your own way!
Andy B.
 
Scott, I don't think the SEP program will bring on another "flare-up" of pain.
It has been very successful in doing just the opposite, helping us to find the psychological causes of our pain.
Give the SEP a good chance to help you. It definitely will not hurt you.
 
Scott...what I said was that I'm not pain free. Thats the truth. Its hard to put numbers on this, but in November when I had a bad episode, I'd say for me, it was maybe 8/10. (I have a high pain threshold). As I started the program it slowly went down, although not a straight line. (good days bad days). In January, while on vacation, I read Steve O's Great Pain Deception, did yoga, relaxed and I'd say pain went to 2. Then, when I headed home it jumped up again. I would say intellectually, I'm 100% convinced. I say that because I still have pain, so on some level, there must still be fear/uncertainty/uncovered rage. I had my first appt today (locally) with a therapist who recognizes and embraces mind/body and wants to work with me on this journey. I'm optimistic that she will help me uncover unconscious rage and get me back on the path of being pain free. I'm scared and excited and very very ready to do the hard work. Wish me luck. As I do you!
 
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