Hello, I would like to introduce myself and share my TMS story.
I am a 38yo man who started having TMS pain when I was about 23yo. A former DI College soccer player, I loved working out, and was running about 30-40 miles per week. Looking back, I was depressed, lonely, and isolated; I didn't care about relationships or anything else except exercise. Exercise gave me a sense of accomplishment and kept my depression in check.
Then, I started having chest pains while running. It was devastating, and I went through all kinds of medical exams (echocardiogram, endoscopy, etc.) to hear there was nothing wrong with me. I remember thinking that I almost didn't want to live if I couldn't run-- it was so much a part of my self-image.
I transferred my passion to cycling and enjoyed this for a while... until the knee pain started. I had X-rays, MRIs, bone scans, all of which found nothing. (I'm thankful they didn't find a slight structural abnormality because I certainly would have insisted on surgery.) I went to physical therapy, but nothing improved.
Unable to run or cycle anymore, I started swimming... until I developed back pain. With pain beginning to develop all over, I started to suspect a systemic disease. I began searching the internet for answers (since my doctors were stumped) and diagnosed myself with lyme disease. My lyme tests were negative, but I insisted that the doctor give me antibiotics anyway.
My last desperate attempt was to go to the Lahey Clinic for a full diagnostic workup. I saw several doctors, but they found nothing physically wrong with me. One doctor did ask me if I had any "life problems" and I remember being so insulted. I told him that the only problem I had was physical pain.
I got home from that appointment and was just hopeless. I called my Primary Care doctor and told him I needed to see a shrink because I was unable to cope with the pain anymore. He said, "I think that's a good idea Mike. I wonder if depression might actually be causing your pain."
Somehow this resonated with me and I said, "I just can't believe I might be doing this to myself?"
He replied, "Mike, it's not your fault."
With that, I just exploded into tears, and felt the pain literally drain out of my body. I haven't cried like that in my life. I went into the shower and remember just saying, "I'm sorry," to myself over and over again.
This epiphany convinced me that my pain was psychological in origin. Unfortunately, the pain did return. I spent the next few years trying to find a therapist who could work with me, but almost none of them bought into the idea that my pain was not physical. They all assumed it was fibromyalgia. This left me depressed and hopeless again. Here, I had this breakthrough and no one really believed me.
At some point I came across Dr. Sarno's books and it made a lot of sense. I was no longer worried about injuring myself, and I would say the quality of my life improved significantly. I got into golf, and barely thought about my pain out on the golf course.
But the pain never went away completely. I was fine if I had a distraction (golf, work, alcohol, sex), but I would have intense pain standing in line at the supermarket or standing talking to a co-worker.
Lately, I have had a full blown relapse and I feel like I'm back to square one. I am reading the TMSwiki everyday, trying to get to the root of my TMS. I know I have all the personality traits that generate these symptoms (low self-esteem, self-sacrificing, perfectionist, goodist). I just can't seem to connect with my feelings on an emotional level. I am starting to think I may need a TMS counselor to help me.
Thank you for letting me share. I wish the best to all of you who are suffering. I know how awful the pain can be, and how it can wear you down.
Mike
I am a 38yo man who started having TMS pain when I was about 23yo. A former DI College soccer player, I loved working out, and was running about 30-40 miles per week. Looking back, I was depressed, lonely, and isolated; I didn't care about relationships or anything else except exercise. Exercise gave me a sense of accomplishment and kept my depression in check.
Then, I started having chest pains while running. It was devastating, and I went through all kinds of medical exams (echocardiogram, endoscopy, etc.) to hear there was nothing wrong with me. I remember thinking that I almost didn't want to live if I couldn't run-- it was so much a part of my self-image.
I transferred my passion to cycling and enjoyed this for a while... until the knee pain started. I had X-rays, MRIs, bone scans, all of which found nothing. (I'm thankful they didn't find a slight structural abnormality because I certainly would have insisted on surgery.) I went to physical therapy, but nothing improved.
Unable to run or cycle anymore, I started swimming... until I developed back pain. With pain beginning to develop all over, I started to suspect a systemic disease. I began searching the internet for answers (since my doctors were stumped) and diagnosed myself with lyme disease. My lyme tests were negative, but I insisted that the doctor give me antibiotics anyway.
My last desperate attempt was to go to the Lahey Clinic for a full diagnostic workup. I saw several doctors, but they found nothing physically wrong with me. One doctor did ask me if I had any "life problems" and I remember being so insulted. I told him that the only problem I had was physical pain.
I got home from that appointment and was just hopeless. I called my Primary Care doctor and told him I needed to see a shrink because I was unable to cope with the pain anymore. He said, "I think that's a good idea Mike. I wonder if depression might actually be causing your pain."
Somehow this resonated with me and I said, "I just can't believe I might be doing this to myself?"
He replied, "Mike, it's not your fault."
With that, I just exploded into tears, and felt the pain literally drain out of my body. I haven't cried like that in my life. I went into the shower and remember just saying, "I'm sorry," to myself over and over again.
This epiphany convinced me that my pain was psychological in origin. Unfortunately, the pain did return. I spent the next few years trying to find a therapist who could work with me, but almost none of them bought into the idea that my pain was not physical. They all assumed it was fibromyalgia. This left me depressed and hopeless again. Here, I had this breakthrough and no one really believed me.
At some point I came across Dr. Sarno's books and it made a lot of sense. I was no longer worried about injuring myself, and I would say the quality of my life improved significantly. I got into golf, and barely thought about my pain out on the golf course.
But the pain never went away completely. I was fine if I had a distraction (golf, work, alcohol, sex), but I would have intense pain standing in line at the supermarket or standing talking to a co-worker.
Lately, I have had a full blown relapse and I feel like I'm back to square one. I am reading the TMSwiki everyday, trying to get to the root of my TMS. I know I have all the personality traits that generate these symptoms (low self-esteem, self-sacrificing, perfectionist, goodist). I just can't seem to connect with my feelings on an emotional level. I am starting to think I may need a TMS counselor to help me.
Thank you for letting me share. I wish the best to all of you who are suffering. I know how awful the pain can be, and how it can wear you down.
Mike
