Howard Roark
New Member
Heyyo!
My name is Howard, I am 31 years old and I have been suffering from TMS for what must have been almost 20 years by now. I first stumbled upon the concept of TMS almost exactly three years ago.
In the course of some TMS program that I completed (not sharing the doctor's name for privacy reasons), I had to write down my story, of which I will share an unedited (sorry for the swearing; I did not intend shared my writing with anyone) and almost uncensored version with you here in a jiffy. You don't have to read through all of it and if you only wanna know what my pains are at the very moment, please feel free to jump right to the ending (after the indentation). There you go (the text is from about half a year ago):
So that was the story that I wrote down about half a year ago. Ever since, I started developing a pain in the bone below my left big toe; the inflammation around my right Haglund's deformity is back (was gone for years); my right-knee pain got much worse; my lower-back pain keeps flaring up again from time to time; and I developed a completely new kind of pain, which is apparently called TMJ (pain in my jaw right next to my right ear). So things seem to be getting worse for me.
What have I tried so far to combat TMS? I read John Sarno's first three books over and over again; I read Steve Ozanich's book; I went to see the only TMS doctor in my country and completed his program but neither liked the doctor (in the sense of him giving me a credible TMS diagnosis) nor his program; I completed Alan Gordon's TMS Recovery Program; I went to analytical psychotherapy for two years (just discontinued it a week ago); I tried hypnosis; and I engage in both yoga and meditation on an almost daily basis – to no avail.
I have also been suffering from a rather severe substance-abuse problem (mostly alcohol and cannabis; but I am highly functional) ever since the age of 15, which I probably used to keep my depression that has been there around for about as long at a manageable level. I also seem to be having OCD and OCPD and yes, I am highly conscientious and a perfectionist.
When I started a break from every and all kinds of drugs at the beginning of this year (have been hanging on for more than two weeks now – yay!), my pains got massively worse and new ones popped up (see three paragraphs above).
The reason I am writing all of this is that I am extremely desperate. I mostly believe in TMS (I really want it to be true and there is just so much evidence it is), but doubts keep popping up and the pain is there, despite my ascribing it to TMS (the pain below my left big toe is killing me in this very moment). I am starting Alan's new program tomorrow but other than that I don't know what else to do.
I am very much curious on your thoughts and cannot wait hearing from you, guys.
All the love,
Howard
My name is Howard, I am 31 years old and I have been suffering from TMS for what must have been almost 20 years by now. I first stumbled upon the concept of TMS almost exactly three years ago.
In the course of some TMS program that I completed (not sharing the doctor's name for privacy reasons), I had to write down my story, of which I will share an unedited (sorry for the swearing; I did not intend shared my writing with anyone) and almost uncensored version with you here in a jiffy. You don't have to read through all of it and if you only wanna know what my pains are at the very moment, please feel free to jump right to the ending (after the indentation). There you go (the text is from about half a year ago):
I first started having knee pain when I was a teenager and it not only made me stop playing handball but I started going to the PE classes in school less and less. Now that I think about it, I neither liked playing handball anymore (but I felt like I couldn't stop without having a reason for it) nor did I like PE (I hated football, which we played basically all the time because everyone else seemed to love it). The pain was there for several years, I got a different diagnosis from pretty much every single doctor I went to see and none of them was ever able to help me. At the age of, say, 18ish, the pain just disappeared all by itself.
After I started studying, I got stressed like a bitch and at the very same time did not only develop a drinking habit but also a bunch of GI-tract issues such as cramps, diarrhea and irregular bowel movements. The cramps went away at some point but the two latter problems have stayed with me to this very day and I am suffering from them as they are restricting my life in a way that I am not living it to the fullest I can as I am constantly avoiding bigger things like traveling or smaller things like going for a hike on the weekends. Throughout the years I saw many doctors and had several examinations such as colposcopies performed on me but nothing serious has ever been found, so the final diagnosis was IBS, which is not exactly helping.
At the end of my first semester at uni I got eye-laser surgery and three months later, my eyes were fine again. Half a year later I got my eyes lasered again and after that, the dryness never went away again – also to this very day and from this I am suffering even more than from my GI issues as I think about it every single day right after waking up and before falling asleep. Of course, I went seeing shitloads of doctors for that problem as well but nobody could ever help me. Interestingly though, a bunch of doctors I saw said my eyes don't seem as dry as I am saying they feel, that is from an objective medical point of view they look rather fine.
During my masters I started developing back pain and at some point also pain in my left upper leg, which made me go to see a doctor who sent me to get an x-ray and MRI done. He then diagnosed me with two spinal-disc herniations. I somehow managed to live with the pain and it also got better but never went again. A few years later the pain was back – even worse – after my moving to another city and I again managed to get better (not meaning good), narrowly avoiding surgery (I was considering it for a sec). I have been having lower-back pain to this very day but ever since the last super-bad occurrence it has been manageable.
At around the same time my right knee started making problems again in the form of a slight pull while walking. My orthopedist told me this was caused by my lower back, so I stopped questioning it. Only like three years later I went to another orthopedist as it got worse, who then quickly diagnosed me with a torn meniscus (it's really bad that I know all these medical terms in English lol) and performed surgery on my knee. As the pain was still there, he performed yet another surgery about a year later. This was more than two years ago and the pain is still there.
Also at around the same time, I (or somebody else, probably my mom) noticed humps in both my heels, so I went to a doctor and was diagnosed Haglund's deformity. Ever since that discovery, wearing shoes with hard heels got more uncomfortable and was unbearable at some point so that I started wearing running shoes with my suit in my first job, which was absolutely killing every last bit of my self esteem. Two or three years ago I started wearing Reebok sneakers again and I have been doing fine but I am still afraid of wearing any other pair of shoes.
Shortly before I started wearing sneakers, I started getting pressure marks on my left big toe (probably that was a reason for me to try another pair of shoes than the one I was always wearing). The problem comes and goes but is always there to some extent and it is really annoying as I like having nice toenails. Also, it got kinda worst last few months and I really don't know what to do against it.
About three years ago I developed pain in my right lower arm and the more doctors I saw, the worse it got. At some point, my doctor told me he was giving up on me as he cannot verify that anything with my arm was wrong and he was running out of ideas. After reading John Sarno's "The Mindbody Prescription" twice, the pain went away and only came back for a short period of time last year. Today I am free of that pain.
My latest pain is upper-back pain, mostly in my left shoulder. It really only appears when I am stressed, mostly at work, and so far it always went away again after de-stressing in the evening or on the weekend.
In summary, I myself am shocked how much pain and shit I have been having throughout my life and the last ten years especially. It is annoying, it is restricting, it fucks my life in a bad way and I feel powerless.
After I started studying, I got stressed like a bitch and at the very same time did not only develop a drinking habit but also a bunch of GI-tract issues such as cramps, diarrhea and irregular bowel movements. The cramps went away at some point but the two latter problems have stayed with me to this very day and I am suffering from them as they are restricting my life in a way that I am not living it to the fullest I can as I am constantly avoiding bigger things like traveling or smaller things like going for a hike on the weekends. Throughout the years I saw many doctors and had several examinations such as colposcopies performed on me but nothing serious has ever been found, so the final diagnosis was IBS, which is not exactly helping.
At the end of my first semester at uni I got eye-laser surgery and three months later, my eyes were fine again. Half a year later I got my eyes lasered again and after that, the dryness never went away again – also to this very day and from this I am suffering even more than from my GI issues as I think about it every single day right after waking up and before falling asleep. Of course, I went seeing shitloads of doctors for that problem as well but nobody could ever help me. Interestingly though, a bunch of doctors I saw said my eyes don't seem as dry as I am saying they feel, that is from an objective medical point of view they look rather fine.
During my masters I started developing back pain and at some point also pain in my left upper leg, which made me go to see a doctor who sent me to get an x-ray and MRI done. He then diagnosed me with two spinal-disc herniations. I somehow managed to live with the pain and it also got better but never went again. A few years later the pain was back – even worse – after my moving to another city and I again managed to get better (not meaning good), narrowly avoiding surgery (I was considering it for a sec). I have been having lower-back pain to this very day but ever since the last super-bad occurrence it has been manageable.
At around the same time my right knee started making problems again in the form of a slight pull while walking. My orthopedist told me this was caused by my lower back, so I stopped questioning it. Only like three years later I went to another orthopedist as it got worse, who then quickly diagnosed me with a torn meniscus (it's really bad that I know all these medical terms in English lol) and performed surgery on my knee. As the pain was still there, he performed yet another surgery about a year later. This was more than two years ago and the pain is still there.
Also at around the same time, I (or somebody else, probably my mom) noticed humps in both my heels, so I went to a doctor and was diagnosed Haglund's deformity. Ever since that discovery, wearing shoes with hard heels got more uncomfortable and was unbearable at some point so that I started wearing running shoes with my suit in my first job, which was absolutely killing every last bit of my self esteem. Two or three years ago I started wearing Reebok sneakers again and I have been doing fine but I am still afraid of wearing any other pair of shoes.
Shortly before I started wearing sneakers, I started getting pressure marks on my left big toe (probably that was a reason for me to try another pair of shoes than the one I was always wearing). The problem comes and goes but is always there to some extent and it is really annoying as I like having nice toenails. Also, it got kinda worst last few months and I really don't know what to do against it.
About three years ago I developed pain in my right lower arm and the more doctors I saw, the worse it got. At some point, my doctor told me he was giving up on me as he cannot verify that anything with my arm was wrong and he was running out of ideas. After reading John Sarno's "The Mindbody Prescription" twice, the pain went away and only came back for a short period of time last year. Today I am free of that pain.
My latest pain is upper-back pain, mostly in my left shoulder. It really only appears when I am stressed, mostly at work, and so far it always went away again after de-stressing in the evening or on the weekend.
In summary, I myself am shocked how much pain and shit I have been having throughout my life and the last ten years especially. It is annoying, it is restricting, it fucks my life in a bad way and I feel powerless.
So that was the story that I wrote down about half a year ago. Ever since, I started developing a pain in the bone below my left big toe; the inflammation around my right Haglund's deformity is back (was gone for years); my right-knee pain got much worse; my lower-back pain keeps flaring up again from time to time; and I developed a completely new kind of pain, which is apparently called TMJ (pain in my jaw right next to my right ear). So things seem to be getting worse for me.
What have I tried so far to combat TMS? I read John Sarno's first three books over and over again; I read Steve Ozanich's book; I went to see the only TMS doctor in my country and completed his program but neither liked the doctor (in the sense of him giving me a credible TMS diagnosis) nor his program; I completed Alan Gordon's TMS Recovery Program; I went to analytical psychotherapy for two years (just discontinued it a week ago); I tried hypnosis; and I engage in both yoga and meditation on an almost daily basis – to no avail.
I have also been suffering from a rather severe substance-abuse problem (mostly alcohol and cannabis; but I am highly functional) ever since the age of 15, which I probably used to keep my depression that has been there around for about as long at a manageable level. I also seem to be having OCD and OCPD and yes, I am highly conscientious and a perfectionist.
When I started a break from every and all kinds of drugs at the beginning of this year (have been hanging on for more than two weeks now – yay!), my pains got massively worse and new ones popped up (see three paragraphs above).
The reason I am writing all of this is that I am extremely desperate. I mostly believe in TMS (I really want it to be true and there is just so much evidence it is), but doubts keep popping up and the pain is there, despite my ascribing it to TMS (the pain below my left big toe is killing me in this very moment). I am starting Alan's new program tomorrow but other than that I don't know what else to do.
I am very much curious on your thoughts and cannot wait hearing from you, guys.
All the love,
Howard
