Day 1 My story

[berlinale]

My background:
I am here for my stomach issues (burning pain, reflux/burping, stomach pressure after eating, significant weight loss as a result etc.) that started 7 months after I had a knee injury that required a surgery and forced me to stop my favorite sport since then and maybe/probably for ever. I did all the necessary GI tests to rule out any serious physical reasons, but nothing was found, so I was diagnosed with functional dyspepsia and sent home.

On a rational level, I am convinced that the stomach issues are TMS as both my personality traits (perfectionist etc.) and my "background" fit nearly perfect: I had a serious disease as a child and a relapse in my 40s (which were clearly physical) but I am now healed from it. I thought I have processed these traumatic events very well but it not unlikely that it looks quite different in my unconscious. And as the sport helped me a lot to come back to normal after the relapse, the prospect of never been able to practice it at all (or at least not at the level I was) probably brought up a lot of that trauma and was probably a trauma of its own.

My actual "TMS status":
I discovered TMS approx. 4 weeks ago. I have read the book by Sarno (the divided mind) and Gordon (the way out) and completed the online pain recovery program. I also subscribed to the curable app. Although all sources mainly talk about chronical pain, I could very much identify with most of it. Since what I did so far, did not lead to any improvements yet, i decided to do the SEP now step-by-by and started today. As it is recommended a lot here, I also ordered the Claire Weekes book today. I am single, live alone and currently working from the home-office. I know that this not helpful for my recovery but it is nothing I cannot change shortly.

Although I am very much convinced that what I have is TMS, I realize that my unconscious is fighting against it, raising doubts that I will ever heal and recover (despite being TMS). I get optimistic when I feel a bit better, but when I have a flare up in symptoms, the doubts & fears come back to surface. Although I feel of not making progress, I guess it is already a step forward to be aware of that inner fight that goes on as a first step to overcome it.

I think this is all for now. Sorry if it became a bit too long but thanks a lot for reading it anyway.

 

[homorobothead]

Hey @berlinale,

Is it possible that you might be working too hard on the program? I'm just like you. I strive and am a perfectionist and really, really like to get things done. I found that once I limited myself to just two times a day (in the morning to do the actual program) and just a few minutes in the evening to answer any replies, my progress really shot up. It really clicked with me what Dr. Schubiner said about becoming indifferent to the pain.

I know it sounds silly, but when the pain flares up I kind of laugh at it and think of it like Jay from Jay and Silent Bob, and say "Fuck off, buddy. I know you like me and want to be around me, but I've got shit to do." It helps me be less serious about it and he's such a harmless character that I feel a sort of affectionate irritation instead of doom-spiraling and worrying. Like he's around sometimes trying to sell me weed or chase skirt, but he'll get bored and leave eventually.

I know it can be hard for folks to make friends outside of work, but have you considered auditing a class at your local community college (something just for pleasure and learning) or joining a Meetup group for something you're interested in?

I'm a potter which means I'm alone a lot in my studio, so I decided to take a high level ceramics course and it's been joyous watching brand new students learning to center and pull their first forms.

I know you can do this! Stomach rebellion sucks, but you are so capable. You healed and felt good before and you'll do again!

 

[berlinale]

Hey @homorobothead

Thanks a lot for your kind words. you are right. I think I work too hard to get better. I want to give the best I can to become better (as quickly as possible) but that is obviously counterproductive. I am convinced about the concept of outcome independence on a rational level but i am struggeling to put this into action. In fact i start to blame myself for not getting better because "since I don't i must do something wrong". I know these are stupid thoughts but it is hard to stop them for me. The good thing is that I become more and more aware of that negative cycle. hopefully this is the first step to break it.

 

[Diana-M]

Although I am very much convinced that what I have is TMS, I realize that my unconscious is fighting against it, raising doubts that I will ever heal and recover (despite being TMS).

Hi, @berlinale
It’s been a month since you wrote your story. Are you still doing the SEP? I’d like to do it next. How are you feeling? Is your fear subsiding? Claire Weekes makes my fear subside the most. And this forum. I hope you’re feeling a little better!

 

[berlinale]

Hi @Diana-M

Thanks a lot for asking and caring. yes, "of course" I am still doing the SEP (i am a perfectionist so I do not give up ;-) . I am currently on day 31. I am mixing it with "my own program" a bit though. For example I sometimes journal about what I want to journal instead of what is recommended by the program. I am also doing a meditation daily. I read Claire Weeke's book but honestly it did not help me much. But I am glad it helped you so much. And I am currently listening to the "tell me about your pain" podcast by Alan Gordon and Alon Ziv. it is really great and I can definetely recommend it. It is not only great content, it is also very entertaining. Alan Gordon is such a nice guy. it is a pity that he is not around here anymore.

Yes, mentally I feel a bit better already. My GI symptoms are still there but I do not care as much as before. Maybe they even improved a tiny little bit. But it is difficult to say and I am trying not judge them at this point.

..and how are you doing these days? Are you also enjoying that spring is starting now slowly?

 

[Diana-M]

Yes, mentally I feel a bit better already. My GI symptoms are still there but I do not care as much as before. Maybe they even improved a tiny little bit. But it is difficult to say and I am trying not judge them at this point.

This is fantastic! You will finally forget about your symptoms and they will go away! I’ll check out Alan’s podcast. Did you know I think he used to do standup comedy? Maybe that’s why his podcast is entertaining.

Good for you on the SEP! You’re Sticking with it! I think that takes a lot of discipline. I like how you’re making your own program.

Sorry Claire Weekes didn’t help you. Not everything works for everybody. But Yes, I just love her. And I’m feeling better too! Still have a way to go—but I’ll take the new good feelings. Spring is also a big help. Nice weather and lots of flowers! Take care!

 

[berlinale]

This is fantastic! You will finally forget about your symptoms and they will go away! I’ll check out Alan’s podcast. Did you know I think he used to do standup comedy? Maybe that’s why his podcast is entertaining.

Good for you on the SEP! You’re Sticking with it! I think that takes a lot of discipline. I like how you’re making your own program.

Sorry Claire Weekes didn’t help you. Not everything works for everybody. But Yes, I just love her. And I’m feeling better too! Still have a way to go—but I’ll take the new good feelings. Spring is also a big help. Nice weather and lots of flowers! Take care!

Great to hear that you are feeling better And even if there is still a way to go for us..as long as we can see movements in the right direction, it is so much easier to deal with everything.

I did not know but I can very well imagine that Alan did standup comedy. He really has a good sense of humor. And being able to laugh is so important for us folks..