My Story Elaborated

I feel the need to dive into the series of events that lead me to where I’m at now.

When I discovered TMS and read Sarno's books, it was a total revelation to me about the pain I was suffering from for nearly a year. Up until that point, I had no idea what was causing my pain. I was scared, confused, thinking that I was doomed to be in pain for the rest of my life. Honestly, I pictured myself 10 years from now, 20 years from now, etc. and still being in pain. I was a total victim in my mind. And than I stumbled upon TMS, something that described EXACTLY what I was going through. Not only did it bring me hope...it essentially saved me from death. My pain was so excruciating at times, it made me feel suicidal. I honestly just wanted to die at certain points. And than came Dr. Sarno. This man was my hero. I inhaled his books overnight. I was so thrilled at my new discovery, that I embraced the diagnosis fully. I was 100% free of pain within a few days! No joke. I felt delivered from a horrible horrible fate. The pain would try to come back here and there, but I was so confident now in my new discovery that whenever the pain tried to to creep back in, I would simply laugh at it and say "I know EXACTLY what you are, I'm honestly not afraid anymore, get lost TMS." and the pain would go away within MINUTES. In fact, on one occasion, I felt the pain attempt another trick on me and I simply burst into laughter and hysteria for several minutes. All this time it was just an illusion, a desperate trick by my brain. I never felt such freedom. It had no power over me. I pitied the TMS! I posted Sarno's 12 Daily Reminders on my fridge proudly and read them daily.

My prolonged period of total relief (Over a month which had never happened before) gave me continued confidence in my power over the TMS. I was ecstatic for a while about the pain relief, and I promised myself and God that I would forever appreciate this new pain deliverance. I thought "Now, I can finally get on with my life". But the truth is, my appreciation and zeal for the TMS breakthrough didn't last. I was back pain free but not happy. I merely turned my attention to my numerous other issues. My financial problems, my social life problems. I was still depressed, bored out of my mind, hating life. I was extremely lonely. I felt no purpose or meaning in life. Not to mention I was still dealing with chronic migraines on almost a daily basis. Freedom from the pain did not stop me for long from pouring out my emotions on my girlfriend and my family. Somewhere along the line, I had such a terrible day that I let everything spill over into my relationship. I cried, I yelled, I had a total meltdown. I turned into a child having a temper tantraum. This prompted my girlfriend to announce she was leaving me for good for her own health and sanity. I felt shockwaves through my body. The girl I loved and was with for 6 years was about to leave my life for good. The only real good thing I had going was this relationship. I thought she was going to leave me for good this time and that I would be alone the rest of my life. I knew I had to convince her to stay at all cost. It took an entire day before I could see her and convince her I was done with that behavior. For the sake of my relationship, I decided to suck it up and hide the inner child in me that I was constantly displaying. She made it clear she had enough stress and issues going on and did not need to deal with this stuff. I honestly believe that sent a message to my brain that I was back in danger and to turn on the pain again. When she didn’t leave me, as insanely relieving as it was, the pain wouldn't go away immediately like it did before. I was quite concerned but chose to stay calm. It would go away soon, I assured myself. Days later when it still wouldn't go away. I tried everything I once did to maintain my pain free state. I talked to my brain and told it to cut the sh** out. I read the 12 Daily Reminders until I was blue in the face. I reread Sarno's books and reaffirmed what I already knew. I thought of all the things that were going on in my life and bothering me. Nothing affected it. As it became apparent that this was not going to go away anytime soon, I started to panic full on. I replayed the series of events the lead me to where I was. Over and over. Everything I thought that happened before, my total deliverance from TMS pain (or so I thought) was fake, only a temporary phase. I felt the power I had over the TMS dissapear in a heartbeat. The pain went from being a pesty fly I could swat aside effortlessly, to the frightening monster it once was.

I think I indeed experienced outcome independence (as someone suggested to me) upon reading about TMS for the first time. As I think about it, the mere fact that I finally knew exactly what was causing my pain was my definition of total success for me. I wasn't so concerned about getting instant relief. For the first time since my back pain began in December, I had ANSWERS. Maybe the key lies in this somewhere.

Why do I further elaborate on this? Who knows, maybe it's therapeutic for me. I just know everything happens for a reason. TMS happens for a reason. What happened to me when it did happened for a reason. I do not see how it could be a coincidence. Maybe the TMS monster just decided to take an extended vacation and inevitably returned. Who knows. But I honestly think what happened between me and my girlfriend lead to a chain of events that lead me to where I’m at here. If it didn’t happen, who knows, maybe I would still be pain free and you wouldn’t be reading these endless posts. I’m just trying to connect the dots.

Thank you for your patience and understanding. I apologize for such a lengthy post.

 

David
Thanks for sharing your story.
Many, many years ago I also was a very angry, young woman. I had rages, was so very, very angry I had difficulty controlling this anger when with my beloved. I reached a point, after a number of years where I FINALLY could pause, and see myself in this harmful state. I made a silent pact with myself to STOP this behavior. That is when my physical pain began to manifest. First arthritis, then back problems, followed by knees and hips. A long journey into lots of pain, but simultaneously self-discovery. I grew an acute awareness of many of the reasons behind my pain. How my childhood had set me up for this scenario. I was not surprised to read where you too had reoccurring pain.
I finally discovered Sarno's books and began to apply some of the ways he suggested to really delve into the sources of my pain (TMS). I am still a work in progress, but know that this is the path for me. I have good days and not so good ones, but each day is building upon the last and when reflecting on my own discomfort 6 months back, I am immensely improved.
Stay the course David.
We'll make it.
Lainey

 

Hi Davideus85,

I have been following your posts on the site. Thank you for sharing this. I really think that all the reading I have been doing from other people's posts has helped me a lot. I haven't had a reduction in pain yet, in fact mine seems to be getting worse so I can't really relate to a relapse but I can relate to the fear and frustration that you are experiencing. Yesterday I was dealing with a new symptom that started up a few weeks ago and continues to get worse. It's disheartening, to say the least. The fear this generated was almost overwhelming.

This morning, Day 26 of Alan's program is on dealing with fear. A coincidence? maybe but definitely a good one. As I was pondering this new symptom this morning I realized that some of my other symptoms have decreased or disappeared. I guess my brain is working overtime to keep me from getting to the deeper emotions (by replacing old problems with new ones to keep me off balance) because the deeper I try to dig, the worse things seem to get. Maybe this is somewhat relevant with what is happening with you.

Hang in there. I hope you can work things out with your girlfriend but remember that ultimately your health and happiness are what's important so take whatever steps you need to, to overcome your TMS. I know if we keep trying, eventually the brain is going to have to give in.

You are in my prayers daily, along with everyone else who is dealing with this. Have a great day !

 

That 'only good thing in your life' needs some serious reflection., I would hazard a guess that your absolute dependence on another human being for your well being is at the root of your issues to look at. ... And other people tend to run away from needy people. Your anger (and subsequent pain) probably has a lot to do with that feeling of dependence. .... in fact it is the OPPOSITE of the 'outcome independence' (formerly called stoicism) that you speak of. Anything we have to have , we hate....anybody who has to have us usually repels us

 

Baseball, David,
Yes, dependency on another is something to be looked at seriously. Each participant in this dance needs to evaluate and resolve their own part in this relationship. Sometimes relationships can improve with the help of an insightful, caring and skillful couples therapist. Sometimes the individual needs to do this seeking on his/her own to resolve their own interdependence issues with another and tease out their own part in this dance of life in order to determine if this is what they need/want. This is difficult work, that is why I suggest working with a counselor.
Lainey