Day 9 My relationship between Self criticism and TMS

Hi Guys,

So today's day 9 was about self criticism. I'm a very self critical person, and I am quite aware about it, to the extent that I don't really know how to change it about myself but I wish I would.

I think from having experienced abandonment in some really special relationships that fell through, and my bestfriend's death and my father's death when I was 11- then both my grandmothers; I have sor of existed with the reality, that I am wrong.

That there is this monster inside of me that is the 'real me' and once people get to meet that person, whoever she is, they will not want to associate with me anymore. I don't know why; I think I just always used to get called bossy as a child, and bullied for being sort of outspoken. So, this ends up showing up in relationships, like I'll try and convince someone out of being with me, and there was this one time, I didn't do that; and I thought I found the one. Then i got hit by a severe depression thing and he just abandoned me. That story is ripe because he shared a lot of similarities with my father, and I still don't know why I think about it almost every second day. I think I'm over the guy himself; yes I am. But that abandonment sort of confirmed to me that I wasn't worth anyone's time- even if they claimed to love me.

I'm also a theater artist, and the things we do and work on are so difficult and the past week I've been feeling roles I don't usually fit, and that fear is doing many things to me.

 

Abandonment is a huge issue for us humans! It's also a very normal emotion for us to have, because we are such social beings, but it seems that it's one that our brains think is too dangerous for us to fully experience and acknowledge.

When it comes to abandonment by death, we often have a sense that we must be selfish for feeling abandoned by the deceased individual (I've been there) so our brains repress it for that reason. It's much healthier to acknowledge it and accept that we feel that way. Because it's normal.

For you to have had so many devastating losses at a young age had to affect you in ways that I don't think I can even imagine (I was over 60 when I experienced the abandonment of three important people in my life within two years). There's no way you could have processed your emotions in a healthy way, and your primitive brain stepped in to "protect" you by repressing the whole thing.

I have to ask if you can even start any kind of relationship without worrying when you will lose it? Your brain might very well be protecting you from looking at that dangerous question.

 

Hi, Cookie. I too know what abandonment is all about and how it can be a TMS repressed emotion. My parents divorced when I was seven and I didn't realize how much it would affect me. I discovered through journaling in the SEProgram that it left me with deep feelings of being abandoned, and also feelings of insecurity. I've also lost loved ones, both family and friends, and over the years four wonderful dogs, one at a time.

I hope you will do as Jan suggests and be open to new relationships. It's a trial and error thing with many people. That's why there are so many divorces. Be positive that you are going to find the right partner.
Keep a smile on your face... it attracts people more than a frown.

 

I actually always do think about that- anytime I meet someone new my brain is mapping out when I will lose them - either because of death, or because they don't want to be with me anymore. And so if I actually like someone, and they like me, I worry mostly about death taking them from me, and if we are having issues, my fears on abandonment come cropping up. My best relationships, come to think of it, are the ones that had sort of a deadline. Like we only had one semester left before graduation, or we all are on this trip that ends in a few months. But when people can be a part of my life for a longer unquantifiable period; I get stressed. So How do I change this? Wow, this sounds like a big problem.

 

Thank you Walt. I will definitely remain positive