Sergie
New Member
Hi my name is Sergie. I just turned 25. I'm new to the TMS Wiki, but i'm pretty familiar with TMS (i've read Sarno's Healing Back Pain) and am currently reading Never Good Enough: Freeing Yourself From the Chains of Perfectionism and Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong: A Guide to Life Liberated from Anxiety. Reading this material has helped me temporarily, but my pain always resurfaced and stays fairly constant. I fit the bill for Sarno's TMS-sufferer description perfectly: goodist, perfectionist, worrisome, conscientious etc. My story and plea for help is below. Thanks for taking out the time to read this and helping me!
My mid-back pain started in December 2010 after 3 months of self-induced stress. The stress/pressure started when my boss told me I had 3 months to find a different job (i’m a graphic designer. He knew he wasn't able to pay me what i deserve for my type of work and wanted me to find a better job. (He's a really good guy!) The reason things started going wrong was because I felt i wasn't good enough for a full-time job, so I spent the next 3 months (from September to December) working on all the different ideas that i've been wanting to do in order to have them in my porfolio & resume. I thought that if i didn't have those things then I won't be good enough "in the eyes of employers". I felt like i would have no worth unless i can show my full potential. Here my perfectionism became extreme and became entwined with my own evaluation of my self-worth / identity. I felt like i was fighting myself trying to prove something, that i was worth something, and i was trying to do this by being perfect. I was and have always been anxious about my self-worth, especially when it comes to my performance. But at the end of the 3 months, after all the hard work every day, i wasn't able to meet the perfection i thought i needed in order to be ready for "that perfect job". Through November i had very small episodes of back pain which i didn't think about much. In the middle of December it became full blown. It seemed like it came out of the blue because of how painful and constant it was. I visited several doctors, had tests and scans done and nothing abnormal was found. I've tried countless massage and chiro and nothing helped.
After December my boss actually gave me a raise and told me that I can get a job in my own timing and that there is no pressure. I spent January-March applying for different jobs but i ended up giving up because I thought "If it is extremely painful to sit at my computer and work then how will i be able to work at this new job?". During this time I rarely came in to work because of fear of pain. Last summer I decided to start working out, thinking that my body was somehow week and this would help the back pain. It didn't help the back pain, but it did help me realize i can do anything and that i'm not fragile. Later in the year i started going back to work consistently. I've been consistently working out and working even with the chronic back pain always bothering me. I recently bought a bike and have been biking to work. But the mid-back pain is always there, especially when i sit for long periods of time, particularly for work-related stuff.
Other things i’ve noticed that are weird: 1. My back pain disappears sometimes, literally disappears when i finish work and hang out with my girlfriend - it’s like my subconscious anxieties are a non issue when i have something else on my mind. 2. When i get anticipatory anxiety, that is when i begin get excited or stoked about the possibility of something happening, my back gets really tight. I feel it’s usually exasperated when i’m worried about what people will say about something i’ve done or will do in relation to my work. 3. This past january I got serious about updating my portfolio and reapplying for jobs. When i was the most confident that i was “good enough” to step into it I had absolutely zero back pain for 2 straight weeks! Once i realized how much work i really had to do and that i wanted to include my latest work the pain begin to creep back in. Sometimes i don’t know if it’s because i sit wrong or if i sit too long or if it’s all psychological (purely TMS). Sarno’s Healing Back Pain was okay, but not very in depth practically so i’m looking for other resources and thinking about doing Dr Schubiner’s Unlearn Your Pain program. I ordered Pain Free For Life yesterday to read. Any thought’s on these resources?
There’s a lot more I can say, but this is a lot already! Thanks for reading.
What’s your interpretation? Thanks for your help!
My mid-back pain started in December 2010 after 3 months of self-induced stress. The stress/pressure started when my boss told me I had 3 months to find a different job (i’m a graphic designer. He knew he wasn't able to pay me what i deserve for my type of work and wanted me to find a better job. (He's a really good guy!) The reason things started going wrong was because I felt i wasn't good enough for a full-time job, so I spent the next 3 months (from September to December) working on all the different ideas that i've been wanting to do in order to have them in my porfolio & resume. I thought that if i didn't have those things then I won't be good enough "in the eyes of employers". I felt like i would have no worth unless i can show my full potential. Here my perfectionism became extreme and became entwined with my own evaluation of my self-worth / identity. I felt like i was fighting myself trying to prove something, that i was worth something, and i was trying to do this by being perfect. I was and have always been anxious about my self-worth, especially when it comes to my performance. But at the end of the 3 months, after all the hard work every day, i wasn't able to meet the perfection i thought i needed in order to be ready for "that perfect job". Through November i had very small episodes of back pain which i didn't think about much. In the middle of December it became full blown. It seemed like it came out of the blue because of how painful and constant it was. I visited several doctors, had tests and scans done and nothing abnormal was found. I've tried countless massage and chiro and nothing helped.
After December my boss actually gave me a raise and told me that I can get a job in my own timing and that there is no pressure. I spent January-March applying for different jobs but i ended up giving up because I thought "If it is extremely painful to sit at my computer and work then how will i be able to work at this new job?". During this time I rarely came in to work because of fear of pain. Last summer I decided to start working out, thinking that my body was somehow week and this would help the back pain. It didn't help the back pain, but it did help me realize i can do anything and that i'm not fragile. Later in the year i started going back to work consistently. I've been consistently working out and working even with the chronic back pain always bothering me. I recently bought a bike and have been biking to work. But the mid-back pain is always there, especially when i sit for long periods of time, particularly for work-related stuff.
Other things i’ve noticed that are weird: 1. My back pain disappears sometimes, literally disappears when i finish work and hang out with my girlfriend - it’s like my subconscious anxieties are a non issue when i have something else on my mind. 2. When i get anticipatory anxiety, that is when i begin get excited or stoked about the possibility of something happening, my back gets really tight. I feel it’s usually exasperated when i’m worried about what people will say about something i’ve done or will do in relation to my work. 3. This past january I got serious about updating my portfolio and reapplying for jobs. When i was the most confident that i was “good enough” to step into it I had absolutely zero back pain for 2 straight weeks! Once i realized how much work i really had to do and that i wanted to include my latest work the pain begin to creep back in. Sometimes i don’t know if it’s because i sit wrong or if i sit too long or if it’s all psychological (purely TMS). Sarno’s Healing Back Pain was okay, but not very in depth practically so i’m looking for other resources and thinking about doing Dr Schubiner’s Unlearn Your Pain program. I ordered Pain Free For Life yesterday to read. Any thought’s on these resources?
There’s a lot more I can say, but this is a lot already! Thanks for reading.
What’s your interpretation? Thanks for your help!
